Eighteen Years Later - Word of Warning Contains Graphic Images

It has been eighteen years to the day since I had my right leg amputated.

Kotz Prosthesis

Kotz Prosthesis

September 11th will no doubt bring back memories for lots of other people for a very different reason,  that being the Terrorist attacks in New York on the World Trade Centre and the Twin Towers 11/09/2021

For me, 2007 was to be the beginning of a whole new chapter in my life. Having been diagnosed with a giant cell tumour in my right tibia, this was around the May of 1995. The tumour emerged about a month after I witnessed a horrific murder just down from my parents' house.

WORD OF WARNING CONTAINS GRAPHIC IMAGES

Whilst perusing my phone!

Lost2bFound -Glenn Johnstone

Hey, before I get started, I would really appreciate it if you decide to read my blog or grab a copy of my book and take a few moments to leave a comment. It's so simple to do, and I can assure you this will not lead to loads of spammy messages at your end. All you have to do is go to the bottom of the blog post and tap where it says "No Comments," or if someone has left a comment, you will see the number of comments and you can add to these. It's getting lonely in here talking to myself...

Book-wise wise if you do decide to pick up a copy, please, please do leave a review. Of course, it must be honest if you think I've made a shit job of self-publishing some complete nonsense, I would rather know. That said, I am feeling a bit fragile at the moment, so don't be too ruthless. I am, after all, a complete amateur

Well, I am back off work, ill once again. Don't worry, I am not going to go on and on about it. To be honest, I have  had just about my fill of my life revolving around health issues.

Anyone who knows me will know I am open when it comes to mental health. Over the years, just like a lot of people, I have experienced a few, shall we say, dark periods; however,  I have been able to use my past experiences and thought I had a pretty good handle on coping strategies. It now appears my strategies are not working quite as well as I had hoped, so I have decided to reach out for some help via work.

It's this ulcerative colitis diagnosis and the symptoms that come along with it that have brought me to a complete full stop. My mind is now in panic mode, and no matter what I try to do to convince myself, to just live in the moment, it's off conjuring up various scenarios that are set way off into the future.

Then there is that other really dark side which I have encountered before, but not in some time, it pretends to be my friend and whispers in my mind. It is devious with its words, with things like "You know when you fall asleep, well you don't have any pain, or stress, why not go one step further and seek eternal slumber". "Fuck that and Fuck You", and then.....it's gone, but just for a little while.

And so whilst I have been off bored, mostly lying on my bed and waiting for the gurgle of my tummy to start, then having to rush to the toilet, on elbow crutches I may add, to get on the toilet and then prepare for a sudden explosion of what looks like the same colour as chip shop curry, however certainly doesn't smell the same. It's ghastly. I rushed to the bog just the other day and a jet of: well, I wouldn't call it shit, hit the bowl and then splashed all around the rim, with a sample of the foul, horrible stuff launching from the toilet and landing on my left wrist. I mean WTF... "Ewww!". So far I have been fortunate and not had any accidents and shit the bed.

Anyhoo, after speaking with all manner of people over the last month, including my consultant, the Inflammatory bowel disease nurse and my GP, I now find myself back on steroids, Prednisolone. Following a review with my consultant, it has been agreed I should start on an antibody treatment called Vedolizumab, well, at least I think that's what the drug is called. 

At the moment, I am experiencing a whole range of different emotions where this new drug is concerned. You see, I can recall having a bad experience with another antibody drug named Rituximab when I was going through my chemotherapy treatment. But there I go again, you see, pre-empting the worst. Hopefully, this new drug will get me back on track, back in the saddle of my bikes, rather than on the seat of the nearest bog.

I just had one of those negative-to-positive thoughts, which made me chuckle. Thank God I wasn't reading one of my favourite books when all that shit came flying out. I would have  been devastated ruining a good hardback edition.

So, to the title of this post, "Whilst perusing my phone!"

I generally write down all sorts of stuff in my notes app on my phone. It can just be when stuff comes to me, so there are all sorts of random things. I readily admit I am not great at poetry; however, I do like to get things out of my head, much of which is based on my experiences. So I thought I would share a few bits and bobs on my blog, I mean, I haven't much else to write about at the moment as I have done Jack shit.

I wrote this selection of words based on my having the idea of shooting a video and using 3-second clips to document one of my rides. Unfortunately, I haven't managed to get out as yet due to not feeling well.

Three Second Clips

Three-second clips, memories captured through a lens. Pictures suspended in time. Those glimpses are a reminder of what is lost in the blink of an eye.

Images that play on an internal screen within our minds. Frame by frame, we attempt to make sense of a story that unfolds, what is it we have seen?

The now has already become the past as we enter the future. Valuable moments are stolen as you read the next word, watch the next clip and think your next thought.

Beauty is missed each day due to imposed life's time constraints. Unnoticed morning dew like a tiny crystal ball sitting upon a blade of grass, the song of a bird, the blue sky above, lit by our sun.

An unexplored area, eyes scanning, up close and personal and to the horizon. A new adventure, an excited inhalation of breath, as you're feeling free. This is how each day really should be.

Beautiful trees standing tall, speaking to one another in a language not understood by man. No war mongering or political views, no religion or jealousy, no possessions to lose.

Stood all alone, with eyes gently closed, in self-imposed isolation, a kind of out-of-body contemplation. Thoughts in place, but they aren't taxing, taking a gentle breath, it's so relaxing.

So much beauty can be taken from just three seconds in time. Why not stop and take a moment? Stop rushing to get to the end, as the end is here before you know.

Quiet Observer - Looking Within Ourselves.

Standing on a beach, a quiet observer watching the sun as it's rising. 

Searching for perfection within each wave, as it washes up onto the shore.
Looking out at the ocean, where the rays of light are dancing. 

Bright refracted colours, shimmering, my mind becomes so distracted.

Taking a seat upon the beach, a handful of sand is taken. Feeling its texture within a tight fist, then watching it fall in tiny grains. It's quicker than an hourglass from my hand, but the moment feels eternal.

In the moment, relaxed and at peace. Deep thoughts come from those lessons learnt. An understanding that it's inner conflict that makes us weak. 

True strength comes from the mindset we keep.

Time to accept those things that cannot be changed. 

Search for joy and happiness in what you can do. 

Stop being critical of the things in the past. 

The race is not as long as you think, don't change, and you will end up last.

Facing challenges with an open mind, 

it's ok to take chances, it's ok to fail, 

always remember tomorrow is another day. 

You can maybe try something in another way. 

Seeing beauty, others fail to see, as they live in a fake news conspiracy reality. 
Sharing kindnesses, sharing strength. 

Helping the fallen if they should fall, 

it doesn't matter who they are; we all have our hidden scars.

Not looking for perfection, your best will do, don't label people, or they will label you. 

Follow your dreams, build on your strengths. 

Try to create positive Karma in all that you do.

Now, this next bit I wrote just after getting work, Neville. I am not sure if you would class it as a poem, more like observations.

Border Terrorist

"Hello", "hello" projected from your eyes. No need for words, your thoughts you cannot disguise.
Lighting up our lives with so much unconditional love, you really have brought new life to this home.

Running around like some mental thing, spinning in circles with your favourite toy ratty rat held by his tail, (Obviously changed the name of the rat to "Isak)
You're a real joker with an infectious smile. Jumping around in a rough, scruffy ginger coat, maybe you're Ed Sheeran in disguise.

With bushy eyebrows and an old man's beard, you tilt your head to offer a quizzical look, really, you're saying "I don't give a fuck".
You're off to find Mister Stick and look for any trouble you can get up to with it. Or maybe you'll decide to dig a hole, investigate pots and kill a few plants.

Each time I go to make a cup of tea, I have to look all around. Because you're like an assassin and move in close without making a sound. 

Even though you're pretty small, you're bark can be heard echoing along the hall, it makes the doorbell start to ring, but not with its normal ding-a-ling.

You use the couch like a trampoline, jumping and bouncing like a dog possessed, or if someone sits down, you jump on the top to stick a friendly tongue in their ear. (Or if a fucking chin or nose is available...My God, your tongue is abnormally long for a wee dog.

That same couch is a place to lie when the day has been long and you want to rest. Any pillow will do to lay down your head, it's funny how you don't like your own bed.

When it's time for a walk, suspicious minds play in my head, as you set off, then pause, stop and look. You really are a paranoid pup "Fuck me, we're being followed" Please shut up.

You're a Border terrorist with a cunning and devious plan. Now a much-loved member of our clan.

This was something I wrote a bit back about, a relatively short ride and encountering some dog shit.

Dog Shit

An endless supply of drugs for an unknown disease. A string of antibiotics for a chesty wheeze.

A trip to the barbers to get my head sharpened in the same old style.

A ride out on my bike to clear my mind. 

Venturing around the same old loops, 

searching for something new to find.

A dripping, snotty nose I wipe upon my sleeve.

There goes that sodding cough again, 

that sounds more like a bark.

I then notice this smell that's been hanging around, 

it's been there for at least the last half mile.

I stop and check for dog shit to see if it's on my tyre.

I can't see any brown fudge, but I curse nonetheless.

Why do people just leave dog crap lying around? 

Even hanging there dog shit in branches of trees.

I jump back aboard my steed and continue upon my ride.

Until I come to a large pond. 

There I take a few quick photographical snaps.

I love to be out in nature, to just relax and empty my mind.

My revelry is broken at a sound.

Honking geese suddenly appear.

And go onto land with a splash nearby.

Time to start off once again, 

I'm so pleased my ankle is holding up. 

It's now time for a climb up the farmers' trail.

Which will take me to Wagtail Lane, then  the windmills and home.

I can still smell that dog shit lingering on. 

I'll wash my bike, shower and change.

Ahh no more dog shite,

it's been washed away.    

This little paragraph, I guess, is the start of something. It's taken from when I was pissed off,  I guess.

You've come again to test my will

You've come along to test my strength.

You've come along to play games with my mental health.

 

Another few thoughts 

 

An off hand conversation with people who pretend they really care.

A random pat on the back with a fake there, there.

Flicking through the wishful pages of all those broken dreams.

Searching through so many memories of places I have never been.

Feelings of being so lost, and the fear of not being found.

Inner thoughts that drive me mad, just goping around and around. 

 

This poem, I think, is in its original form: I can't recall if I changed it for my book "Lost2bFound".

Dreams of getting away

The grass lies withered and dead beneath my feet as it turning to dust. 

I live in the  pure  hope that one day I'll escape.

I allow my eyes to close shut and I drift off to sleep, 

sweet surrender, it's now felt as reality fades away.

A seed planted so deep whilst I'm in my sleep, 

tended to with so much love to bloom into life.
Wandering around in my mind, filing cabinets that store dreams

only opened by me, I have a secret key.

A favourite dream is found stored in place. 

Safe and sound in this place, my mind is free, it's where I am so happy.
I find myself beside a loch shore, it's so calming, tranquillity found there, it's good for my soul.

Washed up on the shore pebbles, each one a dream, so many lay there, which one to choose?
Pebbles polished by time, carried by ebb and flow, picked up and now treasured as a gratitude stone.

A tartan land is where I really long to be, the beautiful Monroe's the lochs and all the trees.
I picture a wee house, a place I can call home, no stresses or worries, there I rest my weary soul.

Now I'm inside my house, lying there on the couch, my hand resting on the floor. The house whispers now you're home.
A log fire is burning bright, giving off a warm glow, the flames casting shadows which dance on the walls.

Now I don't drink whiskey, but here sits a wee dram. It came from a local distillery right here in town
A needle in a groove, a record spinning in place, it's an old forty-five knocking out a wee tune.

My own piece of heaven, I carry it so deep within, will this dream come to pass? Only time will tell.
Tomorrow  I'll return and play out this same scene in the hope that one day all my dreams will come true. I allow my eyes to close shut and I drift off to sleep, sweet surrender, it's now felt as reality, it fades.

Well, that's it for now. Mainly just wrote a bit because I am bored. Apologies, no pics, well I mean I haven't been anywhere or done owt. In ending got to at least try and plug my book. If you follow my blog, or if you are just new to it and kind of like my style or writing and narration, by that I mean lots of swearing and dark humour, well, why not go and grab a copy? The book is much the same. 

It's available from Amazon or most good bookstores; there is a link on my blog on the front page.

Cheers, take care

Glenn

Lost2bFound

Two birds with one stone

I am sure you know what I mean when I use the phrase "Two birds with one stone". I don't want anyone reporting me to the RSPB for bird cruelty, as I haven't been out hoying stones at birds.

No, I called this blog's title that because today's outing yielded more than one positive result. Firstly, I went out on my bike and am sure I covered around 24 miles. However, my Beeline Velo only recorded 5.9 miles, which I know is completely wrong, as I could tell by the map. Plus, I was exhausted and had only 15% battery left when I returned home.

Little cards I designed and had made up 

During the week, I had come up with a cunning and devious plan... "Muhahahahaa!". I had gone over to Instaprint and designed some business cards, well, not quite business cards, but you get the idea, the same shape and size. On one side, I put the front of my book design with a picture of little old me, and on the other, I just put where to find my book, my email and blog address. I figured that when I was out on my adventures, if I got chatting to anyone and if they appeared friendly and interested, I would mention my book and well promote it. So today I gave away a few cards, who knows, I may get a few sales and some much-needed reviews.

GOPro shots are pretty pants to be honest

The second positive was meeting some thoroughly nice people on my journey. Meeting nice folks kind of restores my faith in humanity. There is nothing quite like heading out for a ride and on the way having the opportunity to stop and chat to pleasant and friendly people. Today, I think I spoke to six people on the various trails I was on, I didn't get the names of the first couple who were out walking with their dog, or the second young lady, as I got lost; however, the next gentleman I discovered was named Digby, what an unusual and fantastic name. Digby was delightful and we chatted about the old railway lines in the area, plus ventured into putting the world to rights, touching on politics and political correctness and how the world has gone mad. I told him I pretty much take after my dad and call a spade a spade, not a shovel. We talked about the use of the words "hinne, flower and pet", all of which my dad still uses. I then chatted to two separate other gentlemen on the way up through the bank and going under the roads through these tunnels. I think it's part of the Bowes railway where I was venturing up. These other two men were Mark and then a little further on Brian, again, two lovely chaps. Following getting to Birtley and getting on to the C2C, then riding up to Stanley, I stopped in at  Young's opticians on the way home. The lasses at Young's have always been so supportive and helpful, so in passing, I thought I would drop a few of my book cards in to let them know what I had been up to. Upon my return home, I had a text message: "Lovely to see you today. Book is purchased. Need it signed for when you are a famous millionaire ". Like I say, a great bunch of girls.

On the Bowes Railway Line  overlooking the fields

Bowes Railway Track

Unfortunately, today my GoPro decided it didn't like the lighting conditions, so I didn't get many good pics. I would much rather shoot in photo mode; however, the timer is only 10 seconds, so it doesn't give me time to get on my bike. Time lapse mode is very hitty missy for exposure and quality, I find.

Weapon of choice my new Scott Lumen

Love this bike

Bit of urban art

Upon my route today, I discovered some new trails over at Hedley Hall Woods, so thinking I may use these to shoot a video. I know what I would like in my head, it's something completely different in my mind to what I normally do, but getting it caught and edited is the difficult bit.

Okay, feeling wiped out with a banging head once again, so I think I will have to hide under my duvet for a little bit in the dark. 

Catch you later.

Grabb'in a few pics whilst doing local loops.

Truth be known, I didn't feel like heading out on my bike this morning. I had a proper upset tummy, which coincided with the usual and the shits. This ulcerative colitis is really doing my head in. I don't think I can tolerate the mesalazine medication; it actually makes me feel worse, and I was supposed to be going for an urgent sigmoidoscopy, which I think is a waste of time, as I just had one in April. Obviously, I want to try and avoid yet another camera stuck up where the sun doesn't shine. It now appears as if I am just being left to my own devices, not on any treatment and just hoping and praying that the god awful symptoms start getting better.

Before I went out on my bike, I checked the weather forecast. I'm not sure if in the back of my mind I hoped it was due to rain, that way I would have even more of an excuse to just stay in. Then I thought to myself, "Glenn, just get yourself sorted, you'll feel better once you are out", and so that is what I did.

I had no real plans on where I was going and just decided to ride and see where it took me. Then I was off on my new Scott Lumen. The other day, when I was out, I was thinking, "I am sure this bike has three power settings". It only took me a few minutes to figure out that I had to hold the power button in just that bit longer to get the bike to have no assist, "Ahh that is why it had felt like the bike rolled real easy the other day", I had been riding around in eco mode, so had a little bit of assist.

Making Time

"I would say we are all guilty, at times of just letting life get in the way". What do I mean by that statement?
Well, it's just when you get so wrapped up in what is going on in your life. A life that at times you feel you have no control over. You have commitments here, there and everywhere. Everyone wants their pound of flesh from you, and you have constant adverts pushed down your throat at every turn. Then you are told what you can and can't say, and from a young age you are taught to conform and just fit in.

And breathe...

Lee &John

Yesterday for a few hours I had the best time with a couple of my favourite people, my mates John & Lee. We haven't been out cycling together for yonks, and it's because of the after-mentioned "Life" I guess. What with one thing and another, work, health, time and probably at least on my behalf laziness.

A shot by John

John's Cube eBike

So following a brief too and fro of messaging one another, I was well happy that the 3 Amigos would ride once more, even if it wasn't going to be one of our longest adventures.
The morning started with John arriving down at my house, a little introduction to wee Neville, and then we rode over to Lee's. As soon as we all got together the fun began. Heckling one another, laughing, talking about bikes and adventures, sharing memories and basically putting the world to rights.

Lee is becoming quite the oracle of bike set-up and following assisting me with my shoe cleat and riding position, went on to help adjust John's saddle and offer some advice on seat height and foot position upon his bike.

Soon we all headed off, on what was a glorious morning, with the sun shining, the birds singing and 3 blokes pulling the piss out of one another, and of course, anything we felt worthy of having the piss ripped out of upon our ride out.

Today I guess I was an unelected route planner and decided to head over towards Craghead and down towards Fox & Parrot Wood. I wasn't sure if Lee had ever been that way before, and as Lee the proverbial mountain goat was going to be heading off  "Somewhere West", as he put it, on an overnighter in full-on "Stealth mode-avoiding detection", and bivvy out. A local loop, where we could end up in just the right place for Lee to continue. So this route I had planned in my head seemed appropriate.

Lee decided to bring along his camera equipment and shoot some footage. Like myself, he enjoys documenting his adventures and sharing his memories on YouTube. Lee is also quite the accomplished self-taught musician and composer, having produced some amazing stuff. Every now and again, we would stop for a natter and take a drink on board, as wow it was a scorcher—the hottest May on record, I think accordingh to the news. Lee would go on to direct both John and me for his video.

Me of course being the professional actor having now been in a film all about me, well I didn't need any encouragement, and hit all my cues...Lol. I hope you do know I'm jesting... I'm fucking useless and just spout loads of crap, however, sometimes it's really funny crap and I love it when John & Lee chuckle along.

Ickle bridge over stream

It was proper funny when after taking one clip, Lee played it back and I heard him chuckling on camera, he sounded just like Muttley from the Whacky Races cartoon.Riding through and down Fox & Parrot Wood, more photo opportunities and good craic. 

I was on ages trying to figure out where Macro is on my Goole Pixel 9 pro

I say you boys

Love the colour of me bike

Then climbing a short steep hill and then traversing a field where there was a kind of single track. We came out at a farm at Grange Villa, which had a public access route that would lead us into West Pelton, coming out near to where the Jingling Gate restaurant used to be. I see they are building some rather nice houses there now.

What I like about the houses is the view that whoever lives there would have, well as long as they don't build more out the back in the nearby field.
 

We were spoilt today when I think back, however, each of us took on board just how fortunate and grateful we were in some of the countryside we viewed, commenting on the beautiful meadow field, with its flowers and the woods we were approaching, which was yon side of Beamish.

Lee directing himself "Hello, Hello"

As we rode into the woods, it was pretty, with the bright sunshine breaking through the canopy of the trees and dappling the ground beneath us. It suddenly dawned on you, well at least in my mind, " Life doesn't get much better than this". Pain and discomfort out of the window, as I am caught up in the moment, the natural beauty surrounding me, doing one of my favourite things, riding my bike, with the sound of the leaves and twigs crunching and snapping, and of course sharing this with two people that I think the world of. 

Omg! That got a bit mushy there... Lol.

Me on my Santa Cruz Heckler Sl CC

More footage for Lee's video and also some brief local knowledge of what I knew about the area. When I say brief I mean miniscule as I actually don't know much at all, other than that there is an unusual, cone-shaped structure made from what looks like slate. I guess it's a sculpture-type thing. I didn't know how long it's been there or who built it, it's just there. Oh and whilst in the woods the all to familar sound of John "Aww man I don't beluieve it I have dog shit all over me tyre".

John at the sculpture type thing

Glenn at the sculpture

John with a newly discovered Poo stick

Riding through and down the wood we eventually came down to the footpath, which is near the Chester bypass, near Beamish, and I had the next bit of our route in my head.
A cross over the road, and heading down past Beamish Open Air Museum, which I believe is the biggest museum in Europe, I may be wrong and just made that up.

All the way down the bank past the Museums Farm and once down by Beamish Hall we turned Right and got on another trail that would lead us up into Beamish woods, and the rather large pond at the top. 
As we rode up Lee gathering more footage we stopped to admire some bluebells.

Pretty

Pretty Bluebells 

Whilst John was taking snaps of these Lee and I began discussing how as you get older your priorities can change. I am very much on the same level mindset-wise as Lee, in that we both just want to escape,

" The so-called rat race". We feel over the years forced into a corner of what is expected of us, when in reality it makes us miserable. I think that is why cycling, and getting out in nature, either alone or with trusted friends makes such a huge difference. It allows us time to clear our minds, reflect, reset and recharge. Always in the hope that one day we will realise a dream that we can escape and live the life we truly want.

For me my idea is simple, as few commitments as possible, get up each day with no real plans, go where I want, when I want and legally of course do what I want. Everyone by now knows my dream of a house in Scotland, however recently my overactive imagination has been thinking a campervan is the way to go. Get off grid, and have my bike along. I even suggested a hair-brained plan to my dad. Sell our house, buy some land, ideally in a wood, this would be home base if you like. Then get a static caravan, and a campervan, and from there just bugger off and lead a life of complete freedom, meeting folk from all over and each day having a new adventure. I think if my dad had been a bit younger he would have maybe gone along with the flow. I hope in the future I can gather the courage to follow through on my dreams. I hope opportunity comes knocking at my door as it has in the past. Who knows, that is what is exciting about life I guess.

Pond

Another brief stop at the pond, where we watched fish quickly come to the surface and make rippling effects on the glass-like water. The sun shining on the pond and reflected a myriad of flared colours. We could see ducks paddling way off near the reed beds, and then all of a sudden "Harry the Heron" flew in although he looked majestic in flight, his landing in a tree branch looked clumsy, as he bounced up and down, then became static and fixed in place. Not moving like some sort of a statue. Oh, and I'm not sure if his name is even Harry. I mean it could be Bob or Kevin, for all I know, it's just what I called him upon seeing him. No pics, unfortunately, as my phone couldn't focus that far away.

Next, a ride up the hill and onto another dusty trail, eventualluy coming out at a back road, which we followed as if heading towards Sunnyside, however, we turned off onto another trail way before then. This trail led us to Birkenhead, where the secret gardens and coffee shop is situated. A quick scan of the narrow country lane, which as I recall I tipped a small Morris Marina pickup over into a field when I first passed my car test. It had been raining heavily and I just lost the light back end, then went up and over a grass verge and through a barbed wire fence. Fortunately, the fence stopped my little pickup from going onto its roof. The most expensive part of that mishap was hiring a wagon with a Hi-Ab to lift my car back onto its wheels.  As I recall it only cost me £8 quid at the scrap yard for parts to repair the car.

Anyhoo as we continued on the opposite side of the lane on yet another dusty trail, as I was chatting to Lee, a huge fly went in my gob, and I proceeded to get it stuck right in the back of my throat. I had to stop and then started trying to hack it up. Ewww! I fucking hate it when that happens. So the remainder of my ride home from that point was of me making these awful sounds, which I guess if you are reading this and have ever swallowed a fly will understand what it's like and sounds like, "hack fuckety hack".

Reaching Tanfield Railway and the car park opposite, this is where John & I said our farewell to Lee. Lee not knowing exactly where he was going other than West and John and I heading back home, via the back road at Beamish, cutting down another piece of dusty and fly-strewn trail, where I kept my gob firmly closed. Then we rode back up by Beamish Museum and up Beamish Hills.

I said my goodbyes to John, with a passing comment, man I can remember a ride up this bank into No Place way back with another friend, Carl. It must have been in 2008. Shortly after that ride, I was diagnosed with non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. A good few years later I required chemotherapy, and just lately I have been for a checkup as I've had this sore area under my Right arm, with a small lump.

I'm not worried though, and certainly wasn't going to let past ill health, or what may lie in the future get me down, well not at that point, as I had had the most wonderful morning just being with my mates, doing the simplest of things. Nee worries or stress and that is what each and every one of us needs in our lives.

The ride home was easy. I headed up another trail at No Place that would lead me down the Famous Farmers Trail. I had this huge sense of excitement, you see I knew I would get to return to my new wee little mate Neville.

Wor Neville

As I got home my Dad and Nev were in the front garden, my Dad having propped an old gate sideways to keep Nev in. Our front door was open and as I opened the back door little Nev came bouling through the house and ran out to greet me. What a mint little pup he is. I could see the glee in his eyes, his little smiley face as if he was laughing, and at that moment in time I felt so very fortunate. My dad is on the mend and I had shared some time with friends old and now both new.

Okay been writing that real early, it's now 6:15 am time to get up and go and say hello to my ickle buddy, Neville

Big thankyou to John & Lee, with special thanks to John for sharing his pictures.

Ironically I'm attacking myself!

A little ride out with my dad, a lovely day with the top-down

When writing here on my blog I have always attempted to make the content both interesting and honest, with some added humour and possibly some fun facts here and there. Over the years I have written about good times, and the fantastic opportunities I have been fortunate enough to have come my way, as well as sharing some of my tougher experiences, all in the hope that someone may come across my words and either take inspiration or it might possibly help them in some way when experiencing what can be embarrassing or still stigmatised topics, things like mental health or problems in relation to other bodily functions.

I guess if you can read the words of someone who is going through a similar thing, my way of thinking is "I hope you understand you are not the only one" and possibly, or should I say hopefully you can reach out and find the courage and confidence to talk to someone, as in my experience that always helps.

And so I really don't want this blog to come across as all doom and gloom. I am going to try to as always leave it with a positive spin, it's what helps me get through.

Let's have a quick recap just in case you haven't read any of my previous blogs. Oh and in keeping it real I have reverted to my couldn't give a fuck attitude, so if you are offended at this point and think because I have my sweary head on the content is no less valuable, well thanks for reading to this point.

So in May of last year 2024, I took ill with what I thought was a virus. I had the usual upset tummy and the shits. I knew things were slightly more serious as after shitting through the eye of a needle for about a week, probably going to the bog about 10 times a day and feeling like death warmed up things were not improving.

Long story short after visiting my GP and getting a referral to the Inflammatory Bowel Disease Clinic (IBD), things were set in motion for various tests, most as you can imagine being very embarrassing. Now this is where my first piece of advice comes in for anyone going through this experience early on. I happen to work in a hospital and I can assure you we deal with all sorts as part of our jobs. I would like you to think of it this way going to hospital with a problem should be no more embarrassing than say going to get your car serviced, or heading out and buying a new TV. By that I mean the staff in each department are trained to look after you. So when you are thinking "Omg such and such is going to see my bits" or " I can't bare the thought of someone sticking either a finger or camera up my arse, how embarrassing". I know it is a natural reaction for many people, and that's okay. However, If you can stop and think of it in another way, you will see it is just a job that these professional doctors and nurses, who are trained, and I can assure you they will have seen many other people's bits and bobs, and seen just about every aliment the human body can go through. For them, it is just another day at the office. I think at times we can all get so wrapped up in our own little worlds and psyche, and in our heads make ourselves out to be super special, "The only one", and don't get me wrong you are special and you are the only one, however, in the grand scheme of things no one really cares about that zit on your face, if you are carrying a spare tyre, or you are walking with a limp. I mean farting in a waiting room and not admitting to it, then looking around to see if anyone heard you, is a totally different type of embarrassing situation, yep you can't blame the dog on this occasion.  

Anyhoo after several colonoscopies, a sigmoidoscopy, an ultrasound and an MRI I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis and this is where the title of this particular blog comes in. You see Ulcerative Colitis, although not fully understood could be caused by the immune system going slightly tits up and then your own body starts attacking itself. This illness as I have learnt can be debilitating, and I am fortunate as apparently mine is only classed as being mild. That said it has caused me to be off work numerous times amounting to over 6 months.

Treatment-wise last year I received a course of prednisolone a strong steroid and had to take additional calcium supplements with this. The drug was amazing, helping me feel relatively back to normal in a few days. The only side effect that I noticed was that I began eating like a proverbial horse for around 2 months. Unfortunately after a further month or so and going on to a drug called Octasa to try and treat my UC I had some really bad side effects after only being on the medication for 3 days. I was all over the shop, couldn't concentrate, had really bad tinnitus, and my work colleagues described me as like someone on speed. My UC began to flare up once again so I had to have another course of steroids, which you are only allowed to have twice per year. So that was my two courses in 2024.

I was then started on another treatment, this was Salofalk Granules. I started this in I believe late November and initially thought they were working. However in December of 2024 my first ride out on my new bike, when I  happened to do my Achilles in. I thought I had caught a flu virus. This virus and flu-like symptoms persisted for over 4 months and just wouldn't go away. I had to go to see my GP and ended up having two courses of antibiotics I also had to further go back as I felt I had gotten sinusitis, something I had never suffered with before.

It wasn't until I started researching the Salofalk Granules that I discovered some of there side effects. I could list them off and say "Yep got that, that and that!"

Joint pain, severe heartburn, runny nose, sneezing, sore throat and congestion. Flu-like symptoms include extreme tiredness, difficulty urinating, decreased appetite, generally unwell feeling, and nausea.

Something else strange occurred, however, it was not listed as a side effect of the Salofalk. I began getting the most severe and extremely frightening panic and anxiety attacks. I am not sure if these were brought on by not being able to breathe on a night. At times I had this sense of drowning whenever I lay my head on my pillow. My sinuses were killing me and I coughed so much that I ended up with a blood blister on my uvula, that dangly bit at the back of your throat.

I am afraid to say the panic attacks have remained and I now encounter them every day, and even worse they have presented themselves during the day. They come out of the blue over the stupidest of thoughts. For instance, if I cannot remember a word, a name, a movie or a song lyric. If I see one of those daft puzzles on a Facebook page, which I can't immediately solve, or if I am flicking through the channels of the TV and cannot find something to watch. In reality, anything can set them off. Apparently, it is your body reacting to its primaeval fight or flight response, hey I am a fucking one-legged bloke so there is nee way I can carry out the flight part, so I have to just hyperventilate, and try to fight the feelings of insanity. I discovered one thing that kind of helped. I now have to sleep with my bedroom window wide open, so I can feel the cool night air. The only drawback is, it can be fucking freezing on a night and I can't pull. The duvet over my head or I start flapping. I know it sounds funny, but unless you have encountered these sorts of attacks, they are absolutely terrible.

Moving along my whole world has felt like it has come to a standstill and not for the first time in my life. Memories of Black Dogs and their shadow, along with bottomless black holes come to mind. Dark places I really, really do not want to revisit. Following my amputation, cycling became my way of releasing a lot of stress in my life. Unfortunately due to the UC and also as mentioned hurting my Achilles, well I have found myself getting more and more isolated. 

Work became very stressful, and I was in so much pain and discomfort along with fatigue that I dropped my hours, going from 30, down to 24. I had to decide whether I could get through the two full days and two half days I worked without having a trouser accident. Morning became very, very stressful, " Did I need to go to the toilet, once maybe twice, even three times, as we know three is a charm before going to work". Getting on about embarrassment I am one of those people who absolutely hates going to any other toilet other than the one at home. I know, I know it sounds absolutely bonkers. By that I mean I don't mind going for a tinkle, but I hate going for a dump, even now more so that I have a stupid fake leg that makes it hard to sit square on a toilet. So logistically going anywhere other than home is a complete nightmare.

And that just about takes us to the beginning of this week, well Sunday to be exact. My UC began flaring up on Friday and Saturday, you see I had stopped taking the Salofalk on the 16th of March, I just couldn't tolerate the side effects. I decided to go to work and try my best. Starting at 8:00 am I was only there until 10:00 am, and had to inform my colleagues "I need to go home I feel really unwell".

Further contact with my IBD nurse proved difficult as the email messages were so slow, so I decided to wait to have a chat with my GP who I had already had an arranged telephone appointment with on Tuesday. I was so stressed and anxious that I just blurted everything out. My Doctor was absolutely fantastic in listening to my concerns, and in her response and call to action. She informed me she would get in touch with the gastroenterology department and get things sorted, which she did. I was informed  I would need to start on another course of steroids and the following day I was called by the IBD nurse and informed an appointment had been made for me to have another sigmoidoscopy, so that was yesterday, or Thursday the 10th of April as I type. "Oh, how wonderful!!!" and I hope from that you get my sarcastic tone and not the fact I was super thrilled. More fingers up my corn hole followed by the most uncomfortable camera, which felt like it was doing a loop the loop around the many curves of my inner bowl. At one point I thought the machine had broken down and the bloody thing was stuck up my arse. Especially as it felt like the endoscopist was doing some sort of a jiggy, jiggy action to try to remove it.

Upon having the procedure done and leaving the hospital with my trusty chauffeur, The Ern, as we drove home I commented to my dad "I cannot believe anyone would have something stuck up their bottom for mere fun" I can recall seeing a TV programme yonks ago, where they were talking about the types of "Accidents - he says with an undercurrent of a cough", where people came in with various things stuck up their bottoms. It's unbelievable... I mean why the fuck would you want to stick the likes of Buzz Light Year up your hoop, he is never going to get to infinity and beyond up there poor bloke. Then there are things and I shit you not like glass bottles, light bulbs, a fucking live eel, don't think it was electric! Love eggs, a jar of instant coffee with pins in the lid, "Why and what the fuck, how would it even fit", concrete and a can of deodorant, do these people not read the instructions, it's supposed to be used on the outside. The list is endless. It really does make you think that humans are a law to themselves and the most dangerous animal since time began.

Ooh, and whilst I am on about interesting facts, well I am not sure the last bit was interesting, more fucking scary, but do you know what the only creature here on earth is that can go for a dump and produce cube-shaped poo? And I am not making this up, the poo actually looks like little oXo cubes. It is a wombat. They have evolved over the years to have a poo in the shape of a cube so that they can leave the little presents as markers and they don't roll away when marking out their territory. Kind of handy if you get lost and don't have a ball of string, just have a shit and leave a neat little trail I guess. Anyhoo hope it hasn't put you off having an Oxo.

Cube-shaped poo, who knew?

If you are going in for a colonoscopy you can have a light sedative along with gas and air. I would suggest having both of these, it makes an unpleasant procedure a lot more comfortable. The worst part I can assure you of a colonoscopy is having to drink the horrible laxative drink. If you can, make sure you try to get all of the first 2 litres down, as if like me you can't and try and cheat,  then your endoscopist can't see clearly during your procedure, well you may have  to have another appointment made and go through the whole thing again, then they may ask you to drink 4 litres of the vial stuff. The sigmoidoscopy is easier in the prep a quick self-inflicted enema, which I can only describe as what I think it would feel like to squirt a bottle of Fairy Liquid up your arsehole, then after a few minutes you get the most awful burning sensation and as you rush to the toilet it just explodes at a rate of knots. The sigmoidoscopy although it doesn't go as far up in the investigative procedure I found was a lot more uncomfortable, and sedation is not generally offered, though you can request gas and air, which to be honest isn't great. 

Results are in Mayo1 which I think means mild UC. I have patchy areas of inflammation. If this is the case I just can't fathom how it is making me feel so unwell during a flare-up.

Anyhoo at the moment, three days on, and with the steroids, I feel loads better. I am ravenous and can pretty much eat anything I want, and now watch my prosthetic limb won't fit in a week or so as I will become increasingly porkie. The meds have also enabled me to go out for a few short walks with my dad, something I am really grateful to be able to do. Each day spent with my dad as he is now getting on,  and will be 85 this November is a special day. The older you get, the more you come to realise other people who are dear to you also age, and none of us are here forever. So that time spent in someone's company doing the simplest of things is very special.

Out for a little walk with The Ern

The Ern over by a reservoir on the moors near Consett

My dear old dad

I feel I have tumbled down that big mountain of hope and I am at the very bottom once again. My choices of what I decide to do next could be considered either easy or difficult. I could choose to just give up and let all these setbacks define me, or I could choose to pick myself up, face life's adversities and take one step at a time and climb.

I am not ready to quit just yet!

 

Over by the pond at Chapman Wells

Chapman Wells and the pond

As always thanks for reading, hopefully, people don't don't think I am a little too out there. I just think embarrassing subjects need to be talked about and I can talk "shit with anyone LoL"

A final word of advice "It's not big and it's not clever to intentionally go sticking things up your Bung Hole"