Whilst perusing my phone!

Lost2bFound -Glenn Johnstone

Hey, before I get started, I would really appreciate it if you decide to read my blog or grab a copy of my book and take a few moments to leave a comment. It's so simple to do, and I can assure you this will not lead to loads of spammy messages at your end. All you have to do is go to the bottom of the blog post and tap where it says "No Comments," or if someone has left a comment, you will see the number of comments and you can add to these. It's getting lonely in here talking to myself...

Book-wise wise if you do decide to pick up a copy, please, please do leave a review. Of course, it must be honest if you think I've made a shit job of self-publishing some complete nonsense, I would rather know. That said, I am feeling a bit fragile at the moment, so don't be too ruthless. I am, after all, a complete amateur

Well, I am back off work, ill once again. Don't worry, I am not going to go on and on about it. To be honest, I have  had just about my fill of my life revolving around health issues.

Anyone who knows me will know I am open when it comes to mental health. Over the years, just like a lot of people, I have experienced a few, shall we say, dark periods; however,  I have been able to use my past experiences and thought I had a pretty good handle on coping strategies. It now appears my strategies are not working quite as well as I had hoped, so I have decided to reach out for some help via work.

It's this ulcerative colitis diagnosis and the symptoms that come along with it that have brought me to a complete full stop. My mind is now in panic mode, and no matter what I try to do to convince myself, to just live in the moment, it's off conjuring up various scenarios that are set way off into the future.

Then there is that other really dark side which I have encountered before, but not in some time, it pretends to be my friend and whispers in my mind. It is devious with its words, with things like "You know when you fall asleep, well you don't have any pain, or stress, why not go one step further and seek eternal slumber". "Fuck that and Fuck You", and then.....it's gone, but just for a little while.

And so whilst I have been off bored, mostly lying on my bed and waiting for the gurgle of my tummy to start, then having to rush to the toilet, on elbow crutches I may add, to get on the toilet and then prepare for a sudden explosion of what looks like the same colour as chip shop curry, however certainly doesn't smell the same. It's ghastly. I rushed to the bog just the other day and a jet of: well, I wouldn't call it shit, hit the bowl and then splashed all around the rim, with a sample of the foul, horrible stuff launching from the toilet and landing on my left wrist. I mean WTF... "Ewww!". So far I have been fortunate and not had any accidents and shit the bed.

Anyhoo, after speaking with all manner of people over the last month, including my consultant, the Inflammatory bowel disease nurse and my GP, I now find myself back on steroids, Prednisolone. Following a review with my consultant, it has been agreed I should start on an antibody treatment called Vedolizumab, well, at least I think that's what the drug is called. 

At the moment, I am experiencing a whole range of different emotions where this new drug is concerned. You see, I can recall having a bad experience with another antibody drug named Rituximab when I was going through my chemotherapy treatment. But there I go again, you see, pre-empting the worst. Hopefully, this new drug will get me back on track, back in the saddle of my bikes, rather than on the seat of the nearest bog.

I just had one of those negative-to-positive thoughts, which made me chuckle. Thank God I wasn't reading one of my favourite books when all that shit came flying out. I would have  been devastated ruining a good hardback edition.

So, to the title of this post, "Whilst perusing my phone!"

I generally write down all sorts of stuff in my notes app on my phone. It can just be when stuff comes to me, so there are all sorts of random things. I readily admit I am not great at poetry; however, I do like to get things out of my head, much of which is based on my experiences. So I thought I would share a few bits and bobs on my blog, I mean, I haven't much else to write about at the moment as I have done Jack shit.

I wrote this selection of words based on my having the idea of shooting a video and using 3-second clips to document one of my rides. Unfortunately, I haven't managed to get out as yet due to not feeling well.

Three Second Clips

Three-second clips, memories captured through a lens. Pictures suspended in time. Those glimpses are a reminder of what is lost in the blink of an eye.

Images that play on an internal screen within our minds. Frame by frame, we attempt to make sense of a story that unfolds, what is it we have seen?

The now has already become the past as we enter the future. Valuable moments are stolen as you read the next word, watch the next clip and think your next thought.

Beauty is missed each day due to imposed life's time constraints. Unnoticed morning dew like a tiny crystal ball sitting upon a blade of grass, the song of a bird, the blue sky above, lit by our sun.

An unexplored area, eyes scanning, up close and personal and to the horizon. A new adventure, an excited inhalation of breath, as you're feeling free. This is how each day really should be.

Beautiful trees standing tall, speaking to one another in a language not understood by man. No war mongering or political views, no religion or jealousy, no possessions to lose.

Stood all alone, with eyes gently closed, in self-imposed isolation, a kind of out-of-body contemplation. Thoughts in place, but they aren't taxing, taking a gentle breath, it's so relaxing.

So much beauty can be taken from just three seconds in time. Why not stop and take a moment? Stop rushing to get to the end, as the end is here before you know.

Quiet Observer - Looking Within Ourselves.

Standing on a beach, a quiet observer watching the sun as it's rising. 

Searching for perfection within each wave, as it washes up onto the shore.
Looking out at the ocean, where the rays of light are dancing. 

Bright refracted colours, shimmering, my mind becomes so distracted.

Taking a seat upon the beach, a handful of sand is taken. Feeling its texture within a tight fist, then watching it fall in tiny grains. It's quicker than an hourglass from my hand, but the moment feels eternal.

In the moment, relaxed and at peace. Deep thoughts come from those lessons learnt. An understanding that it's inner conflict that makes us weak. 

True strength comes from the mindset we keep.

Time to accept those things that cannot be changed. 

Search for joy and happiness in what you can do. 

Stop being critical of the things in the past. 

The race is not as long as you think, don't change, and you will end up last.

Facing challenges with an open mind, 

it's ok to take chances, it's ok to fail, 

always remember tomorrow is another day. 

You can maybe try something in another way. 

Seeing beauty, others fail to see, as they live in a fake news conspiracy reality. 
Sharing kindnesses, sharing strength. 

Helping the fallen if they should fall, 

it doesn't matter who they are; we all have our hidden scars.

Not looking for perfection, your best will do, don't label people, or they will label you. 

Follow your dreams, build on your strengths. 

Try to create positive Karma in all that you do.

Now, this next bit I wrote just after getting work, Neville. I am not sure if you would class it as a poem, more like observations.

Border Terrorist

"Hello", "hello" projected from your eyes. No need for words, your thoughts you cannot disguise.
Lighting up our lives with so much unconditional love, you really have brought new life to this home.

Running around like some mental thing, spinning in circles with your favourite toy ratty rat held by his tail, (Obviously changed the name of the rat to "Isak)
You're a real joker with an infectious smile. Jumping around in a rough, scruffy ginger coat, maybe you're Ed Sheeran in disguise.

With bushy eyebrows and an old man's beard, you tilt your head to offer a quizzical look, really, you're saying "I don't give a fuck".
You're off to find Mister Stick and look for any trouble you can get up to with it. Or maybe you'll decide to dig a hole, investigate pots and kill a few plants.

Each time I go to make a cup of tea, I have to look all around. Because you're like an assassin and move in close without making a sound. 

Even though you're pretty small, you're bark can be heard echoing along the hall, it makes the doorbell start to ring, but not with its normal ding-a-ling.

You use the couch like a trampoline, jumping and bouncing like a dog possessed, or if someone sits down, you jump on the top to stick a friendly tongue in their ear. (Or if a fucking chin or nose is available...My God, your tongue is abnormally long for a wee dog.

That same couch is a place to lie when the day has been long and you want to rest. Any pillow will do to lay down your head, it's funny how you don't like your own bed.

When it's time for a walk, suspicious minds play in my head, as you set off, then pause, stop and look. You really are a paranoid pup "Fuck me, we're being followed" Please shut up.

You're a Border terrorist with a cunning and devious plan. Now a much-loved member of our clan.

This was something I wrote a bit back about, a relatively short ride and encountering some dog shit.

Dog Shit

An endless supply of drugs for an unknown disease. A string of antibiotics for a chesty wheeze.

A trip to the barbers to get my head sharpened in the same old style.

A ride out on my bike to clear my mind. 

Venturing around the same old loops, 

searching for something new to find.

A dripping, snotty nose I wipe upon my sleeve.

There goes that sodding cough again, 

that sounds more like a bark.

I then notice this smell that's been hanging around, 

it's been there for at least the last half mile.

I stop and check for dog shit to see if it's on my tyre.

I can't see any brown fudge, but I curse nonetheless.

Why do people just leave dog crap lying around? 

Even hanging there dog shit in branches of trees.

I jump back aboard my steed and continue upon my ride.

Until I come to a large pond. 

There I take a few quick photographical snaps.

I love to be out in nature, to just relax and empty my mind.

My revelry is broken at a sound.

Honking geese suddenly appear.

And go onto land with a splash nearby.

Time to start off once again, 

I'm so pleased my ankle is holding up. 

It's now time for a climb up the farmers' trail.

Which will take me to Wagtail Lane, then  the windmills and home.

I can still smell that dog shit lingering on. 

I'll wash my bike, shower and change.

Ahh no more dog shite,

it's been washed away.    

This little paragraph, I guess, is the start of something. It's taken from when I was pissed off,  I guess.

You've come again to test my will

You've come along to test my strength.

You've come along to play games with my mental health.

 

Another few thoughts 

 

An off hand conversation with people who pretend they really care.

A random pat on the back with a fake there, there.

Flicking through the wishful pages of all those broken dreams.

Searching through so many memories of places I have never been.

Feelings of being so lost, and the fear of not being found.

Inner thoughts that drive me mad, just goping around and around. 

 

This poem, I think, is in its original form: I can't recall if I changed it for my book "Lost2bFound".

Dreams of getting away

The grass lies withered and dead beneath my feet as it turning to dust. 

I live in the  pure  hope that one day I'll escape.

I allow my eyes to close shut and I drift off to sleep, 

sweet surrender, it's now felt as reality fades away.

A seed planted so deep whilst I'm in my sleep, 

tended to with so much love to bloom into life.
Wandering around in my mind, filing cabinets that store dreams

only opened by me, I have a secret key.

A favourite dream is found stored in place. 

Safe and sound in this place, my mind is free, it's where I am so happy.
I find myself beside a loch shore, it's so calming, tranquillity found there, it's good for my soul.

Washed up on the shore pebbles, each one a dream, so many lay there, which one to choose?
Pebbles polished by time, carried by ebb and flow, picked up and now treasured as a gratitude stone.

A tartan land is where I really long to be, the beautiful Monroe's the lochs and all the trees.
I picture a wee house, a place I can call home, no stresses or worries, there I rest my weary soul.

Now I'm inside my house, lying there on the couch, my hand resting on the floor. The house whispers now you're home.
A log fire is burning bright, giving off a warm glow, the flames casting shadows which dance on the walls.

Now I don't drink whiskey, but here sits a wee dram. It came from a local distillery right here in town
A needle in a groove, a record spinning in place, it's an old forty-five knocking out a wee tune.

My own piece of heaven, I carry it so deep within, will this dream come to pass? Only time will tell.
Tomorrow  I'll return and play out this same scene in the hope that one day all my dreams will come true. I allow my eyes to close shut and I drift off to sleep, sweet surrender, it's now felt as reality, it fades.

Well, that's it for now. Mainly just wrote a bit because I am bored. Apologies, no pics, well I mean I haven't been anywhere or done owt. In ending got to at least try and plug my book. If you follow my blog, or if you are just new to it and kind of like my style or writing and narration, by that I mean lots of swearing and dark humour, well, why not go and grab a copy? The book is much the same. 

It's available from Amazon or most good bookstores; there is a link on my blog on the front page.

Cheers, take care

Glenn

Lost2bFound

First Post of 2025 - A Round up of Not Much At All

I am going to start my first post of 2025 by getting my twisting out of the way, then hopefully that way I can end on a more positive note, and not have you all thinking "Jeez this guy is a whiny git, and I have just wasted 'X' amount of time reading this shit".

  

New/2nd hand Guitar

So both my dad and myself took ill with this virus type thing that had been doing the rounds. I know the exact date I started feeling unwell, it was Saturday the 15th of December last year, yes that's right last year. To date we are both still suffering the affects either from the last bug or a new one as I write. I knew when I started feeling unwell because it was the first ride out I had on my new Santa Cruz e-bike, and I blogged about the adventure. Now I can't be certain, so to avoid being sued I'm using the word "Allegedly".The only place I was really at, which was in close contact with other people was when I went into Greggs for a bite to eat and to get a hot cuppa, so "Allegedly" I think I may have caught a bug from someone whilst visiting there. 

Following returning home I felt like I had a scratchy throat on the evening. Over the course of the next few days this got progressively worse and I eneded up feeling dreadfull. Come the Monday my poor dad had also come down with something. He would go on to spend the next 5 weeks sleeping downstairs as he was so unwell and weak, he couldn't get up off the small 2 seater couch that we have in what used to be our dining room, and is now my dad's computer room, or "shit tip" as I like to call it. Me personally I guess I am not much better, preferring to think as where ever I have my stuff, it is more like organised "Chaos", where as if you look at anywhere where my dad leaves a mark it is just "Fucking Chaos", with shit all the shop.

I am the type of bloke who some would say has a perfectonist trait, also known as a "Right pain in the arse". For instance if I get any tools I take great care to clean them and replace them back in there respective places after use. As a kid I can recall going out with my dad on "Jobs". My dad being a mechanic he would ask me to hand him say a 17mm spanner, or maybe some other specific sized socket. I would then have to go rummaging around in his tool box for the next 15 minutes or so, in search of the desired piece of equipment as everything was just piled in, one on top of another. I mean imagine you have a toolbox, okay, and then you just give it a good shake, maybe drop it a few times, and then open it to discover everything all mixed up, and "Hey Presto", you have an idea of how my dad stored his gear. Things haven't improved as both my dad and I have got older. I can tell where ever Ern sets up shop, as he is a lot like how his Father used to be and a hoarder of crap that "Might come in useful". Saying which I have to laugh as I have a terrible habit of keeping "Boxes". Like you know when you get something new? I'll say to my dad, "We had better keep the box". Depending on the size of the box, it will either go into our loft, or in some cases get shoved in the outside shed.

Anyhoo moving on, also after that first ride out on my new bike I discovered I had done something to my ankle. I only have one good leg so trying to keep off it whilst using my elbow crutches was impossible, so basically I was proper "Hobbled". My ankle, specifically my Achilles and into my heel, was proper hurting. I know I have an altered gait, due to my prosthetic limb, but now I was limping all over and could hardly walk. I tried my best to deal with the virus and this new stupid fucking pain in my ankle, but inevtitibly had to take more time off work.

I managed to get a practice nurse to come out and see my dad and whilst she was out she also gave me the once over and we were put on a course of antibiotics. Oh and I also manged to get an appointment to go and see a Physiotherapist pretty quickly. The guy I saw was spot on and gave me great advice along with some esxercises to do at home, to strengthen my painful Achillies. I was advised to keep off my bikes for a while.

So long story short, it is now February 14th a Friday as I write this. My dad and I are still unwell, with cold like symptoms and coughing. I mean I am up writing this, because I can't sleep. I have a cough, sore throat and the most awful feeling in my sinuses. It's like I want to try and clear them by sniffing then spitting the horrible mucus out, but its just stuck there.

Oh and I followed the physio's advice and hadn't been out on my bike for about 3 months. I went out for a short 3.8 mile ride, it would be about 2 weeks ago now, completing a local loop, which was pretty much on the flat, apart from the Black Path over at South Moor, and when I returned home, man my Achillies was killing me again. Infact it felt even worse than when I first did it. When ever I bend my ankle its making a "Ratcheting sound". It feels like the tendon is being dragged through the protective sheath. I have also noticed if I stand for any amount of time, like at work my heel becomes very painful. So I am now awaiting another referral, and I have to say I am feeling rather low in mood and stressed. How long this is going to take to get put right? It just feels ever since getting diagnosed with that ulcertaive colitis my body is dropping to bits. I have never expeienced as much joint pain and fatigue.

Something else that has me feeling stressed and really annoyed is the fact that I want to take part in Arctic ONE's "Tour of the Isle of Wight", which will be a sponsored bike ride. I am trying to take each day as it comes, and not feel like I have the Harbinger of dooms mindset. The ride isn't until later in the year, around September. It's just that I had been off my bike 3 months and one ride out and I am back to square "none". It's soooo! Frustrating. I don't want to be sitting around feeling sorry for myself. Since being able to take up cycling it has always been a great source of inspiration and a release of all the day to day crap. Now I am struggling I have somewhat lost my "Mojo". This means I am having to look at other things to try and keep me motivated for what I hope is the short term.

Come April I will turn 57 years of age. If it wasn't for all these niggles I reckon I would be in pretty good shape. I mean yeah I am a bit like an old building being held up by bits of scaffolding, but hey! I am still hanging in there.

Epiphone Dot Limited 2019 Aquamarine

Anyhoo I decided to treat myself to an early Birthday present. I am terrible for "Googling" especially when I am bored. This is when I tend to purchase stuff I don't really need, however convince myself I do "It will cheer me up". That and of course like in this case, and my recent purchase of a new guitar, I have this internal image of me becoming a better guitar player. Of course in reality this is most definitely not the case, as it's hard work and practice that will improve my skills, not a new guitar. I could just as easily try and improve by using any of my other 6 guitars. Never mind this particular guitar called out to me from a far, so I bought it. 

Epiphone Dot Limited 2019 Aquamarine

Epiphone Dot Limited 2019 Aquamarine

The first time I saw the guitar in question was when browsing for something completely different. There was an image of this funky looking guitar and I wasn't sure what model it was. I could see it had an Epiphone logo and that was about it. Upon searching I just popped in Epiphone and the colour of the guitar which was "Blue & Green". After sometime I discovered it was a Epiphone Dot, that was produced in a limited run, so I couldn't buy it "Brand new".

After researching the guitar I discovered it was a Epiphone Ltd Edition Dot Deluxe FM Aquamirine Semi Hollow - A stylish guitar built to the exact diemsions of a vintage 335 style semi hollow arch top.

Fortunately I saw there was one advertised as being in "Mint" condition on a music site called Reverb. I went over and had a gander at the ad, and the description of the guitar from the advert sounded like it was brand new, even though it was a 2019 model. I cheekily messaged the seller with an offer. I didn't want to come across as being a complete "Douche", so aked the seller, would they be happy knocking £25 quid off, which they very kindly agreed to do. Apparently my new guitar should be with me today, so something to look forward to. 

I am continuing to get weekly one hour lessons, and although I can see that I have progressed in my playing and knowledge, as with anything it just doesn't feel quick enough. I want to be able to just pick up my guitar and be able to play any song at will, without struggling for chord shapes or having difficulty with strumming patterns. I am still terrible with rhythm and I know I can't sing, but it would be nice to be able to at least try and get some words out as I attempt to play. I just can't concentrate on everything that is going on with the guitar and then sing along at the same time. At the moment it's beyond my concentration levels LoL. 

Oh and in other news, my time has not been completely wasted, as I am up to just under 80,000 words in my book. I just need to go over the final chapters and hopefully when I can get out on my bike get a decent photo taken, so I can use it for a front cover. I am planning on the cover being black & white and I think I have thought of a good title which ties in with the book and it's story. Publishing wise I think I am going to go down the self publishing route, however getting a company to do the leg work in the set up and distribution. All in I reckon it could cost me anywhere from £600 to £1000, which I know is a lot of money and I could potentially do it cheaper. My way of thinking is I know I probably won't recoup that kind of money in any sales, however for me just getting it out there, and done correctly will be a sense of achievement. Even if one person buys it and offers some positive feedback, saying it was funny, helpful, thoughtful or a good read, well I would be well happy.

Goodness knows when I will update my blog again. It just feels like life is on a stand still once again, with not much happening, and the things I would like to be doing are being put on hold...Ah well that is life I guess.

It's 03:20 am and I can't sleep. I'm thinking of writing a book!

Man it's 3:20 am and I just can't get to sleep. I have been lying on the couch all night, my stomach all upset and cramped up, andit feels like its on fire. I am down to 4 prednisolone tablets per day, having reduced them from 8 per day, they are for this newly diagnosed ulcerative colitis. I think the medication creates cortisol, so I haven't been sleeping well for over a month now.

I have always struggled to switch off,  nothing to do with medication. My mind is constantly whirring around, analysing this or debating that. Sometimes it can be very useful and help me problem solve, and then other times it can be a real curse, as I try to tell my mind "It's time for bed now".

writing an e-book

Over the years quite a few people have said things to me like " I think you should write a book" or on occasion "Have you ever thought about having a go at motivational speaking". I never really gave it that much thought, just thinking they were being polite when they had heard some of the experiences I had been through. Then lately I gave the book thing a bit more thought. As for the motivational speaking I am not sure. I mean I guess if I was talking about certain stuff that I had experienced, it's then how to get it out, and inspire, the whole purpose of motivational speaking is in the title "Motivation".

Getting back to the book thing, it will be a fictional book, not an autobiography, more of a true story or a memoir, I think they call it. I have been hard at work writing, well typing, I mean it is 2024 and feathered quills are not in vogue. So far I am up to just over 29,000 words. It is a very rough edit, with lots of grammar and spelling mistakes. It recounts part of my journey from taking ill at 27 with a giant cell tumour in my right leg, up until present day. The story is pretty full on, as I have been very honest and not held anything back. There are a lot of dark times mentioned and I try to explain my mindset during these periods, there are also happy times, funny times and a few stories about when I was growing up. I have included very personal things and shared some of my poems and songs, which some people I am sure will think are a load of bollocks, but hey, they are my words and thoughts, special to me so I am not too concerned.

I am by no means a professional writer, or poet, this is just something I would like to try, I guess for myself as much as anything.

The difficult parts:

There are a lot of things to consider when writing a book, for starters it is incredibly difficult writing a true story, and those people involved in that story not being named. If  I do include peoples names I have to then approach them, and get written consent.  I have met that many people over the years, it would take me forever to contact everyone and get consent. So I have attempted to write in such a way that not many people are named. Its a real shame as I would like to thank each one for their support and by naming them. There is nothing I have written that is defamatory in my opinion, a few funny instances I have recounted, that is about it.

Next is finding someone to proof read my work. I'm thinking this could be quite expensive and I write in a slightly unusual way, so don't really want my book changed and lose the essence of myself, if that makes sense. I tend to swear a lot, it is an emotive response, and I use a fair bit of Geordie or Durham'ite dialect, its where I come from and I am proud to have a pit village accent and I think it adds to the authentic nature of my story.

 

Writing a book and putting it online

Next on the agenda after doing some research is where to place the book. Amazon KDP, looks like the easiest way to start. I think I can use a company called Draft2Digital to format the e-book and then upload it to Amazon. The thing from what I have read here is not to go for Amazons Free ISBN number. The ISBN is used to identify books, however if I use Amazons free ISBN I am then tied in to only selling the book on Amazon. So I have looked into how to get my own ISBN and think it costs £93 per book. So it would be £93 for an e-book, then £93 for a paperback and again £93 for a hardback. Mind you the paperback and hardback versions are just wishful thinking I mean I may not sell a single copy, but that is the good thing about "Print on demand", I don't have to go out and buy lets say 1000 books and then have them stored at home gathering dust as no one is interested, and I don't have to package them and ship them off. Amazon or any of the other print on demand companies take a percentage of the sales and do everything.

And so that is where I am at. Hopefully if I do get to release my own book, it would get a good reception, not be considered too depressing and who knows inspire, even one person, or help someone to understand they are not alone. Thinking big, it might make me a shed load of money so I can follow my dream and get that house up in Scotland LoL