Why Me?

Well as the title to this blog says "Why Me?", well why not? I mean yeah I have suffered my fair share of bad luck and ill health, but hey illness and diseases are in the main quite indiscriminate (unlike certain people). You can try to eat healthy, not smoke or drink and take all your vitamins, but in certain cases if it's meant to be then it's meant to be. It could be a case of bad genes or just plain bad old luck.

I have to admit when I lost my leg after fighting for around 12 years to save the dam thing I never once said "why me". Sure I was devastated when I got the diagnosis, however after years of suffering was relieved to wake up with it gone.  A year after having my leg off I was diagnosed with NHL or Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma and although I thought I was dealing with it ok in the first few months of my diagnosis I can sort of remember having a meltdown as time went on and asking "Why me ?". Weird as in reality my NHL wasn't the worst cancer I could have got  and really other than a few lumps and bumps and the odd upset tummy, which in hindsight was more due to stress it wasn't that bad. It was at an advanced stage so incurable, but on a positive low grade and really slow to progress. 

Which brings us to 7 years down the line. And the slow progression of my NHL. Of late I have been feeling really tired. At first I put it down to taking on an additional job and maybe over doing it in my free time. You see the problem with me is that if I just sit at home and chill I then have a proper go at myself for being lazy. This I think stems from years and years of inactivity due to having a buggered leg, where my daily routine would be lying on a couch or bed with my fixed leg, leaking horrible gunk and hurting from getting up till I went to bed. Now I just feel if I take any "Me Time" well that's just not on. I mean what would people think. Seriously these are the sort of stupid thoughts that float around my brain. I have a responsibility to maintain this perception of what people actually think of me. Like I'm some superhuman or something. Obviously these thoughts are in my deluded world and of late through chatting to very caring  and supportive friends I have come to realise that actually who gives a stuff what other peoples perceptions are of you. What counts is looking after yourself, learning to love yourself, because if you push yourself to far and break, then how the hell can you support anyone else.

Errr where was I? Ahh yes, so 7 years on and feeling tired. Well I also had these painful node in my neck. So I visited my consultant, who sent me for a CT scan. The results showed my cancer had progressed and that brings me to today. Upon visiting with my consultant she went over my results, explaining the progression and what she thought would be the best option at this point. We both agreed it was possibly a good time to commence treatment. This is to be in the form of chemotherapy alongside antibody therapy. The chemo drug is called Bendamustine (Levact), whilst the antibody drug is called Rituximab (Mabthera). Both drugs although they won't cure my NHL have proven successful in keeping the disease at bay for a period of time. My consultant was very optimistic too explaining that cancer treatments have come along way and with further research and development well things can only improve.

I now have a few dates for my diary, an appointment to chat with my cancer specialist nurse this coming Wednesday, then my treatments will start on the 28th and 29th of May. I have never had treatment like this before so I'm not entirely sure what to expect. In trying to look at this in a positive way I guess I can say this will be a new experience which I can share. It is a means of feeling better, even though I may feel pretty unwell for a period of time. And who knows I may even get some super human powers from the freaky drugs, yeah I know that's highly unlikely but hey I can dream. Growing a new leg would be a start lol.

I'll be continuing my blog and try and write my thoughts from a personal point of view. Be wonderful to hear your comments or words of support.

In ending I would also like to point out I was hoping to take part in the Arctic ONE Triathlon this coming June. Unfortunately I don't think I will be able to take part now. I'm gutted as both Matt and Bex and everyone involved with the Foundation has been ever so supportive of me. I don't want anyone to donate money because they feel sorry for me. I would like to leave a link to my Virgin Just Giving so that if you can spare a few quid you can help other people out to achieve their goals.

Virgin Just Giving

Thanks guys

Excited,nevous,determined,anxious,positive,scared,buzzing, did I mention scared

Yes the blog title shows a whole range of emotions and feelings and a lot more to boot. My biggest fear in commencing new challenges is like anyone, failure and letting not so much myself down, but others. If I let myself down I just go into hibernation mode and constantly tell myself how crap I am. Letting other people down is well... unacceptable.

After speaking to Matt of Arctic One via Facebook this evening I have decided I am going to try and get down to Hawridge (where ever that may be) and take part in the Arctic One's Hawridge International Duathlon which is on a Tuesday I believe. So if I can persuade my boss that he doesn't really need me for that day and possibly the next as it's a long way to travel I would imagine, then I'll be there.

My aim is to ride the on road course of 11 undulating miles in a relay. Matt has very kindly offered me the loan of one of his road bikes, however I think it would be different to maybe have a go at completing the section on my Sandman Fat Bike. Will see what I decide to do.

I have just set up a Virgin Money Giving page and will use this for those people who would like to donate for this or any of my upcoming challenges. At the moment I am trying to come up with various ideas, that not only incorporate my love of cycling, but also something I can do that will capture the heart of those that follow my blog on a regular basis. The way I see it is it's ok handing money over to various charities, but it's always nice to get something in return, even if it is the chance to watch a little home made movie or read a funny story about a one legged bloke.

I will be posting in due course of any fund raising ideas I come up with and hopefully you can help support me on my adventures in the future.

If you do feel like you would like to donate to Arctic One and of course my cause in getting a running blade so that I can actually do more than just the bike leg in any up coming events then my Virgin Giving page is here.

Once again thanks to you who have always been there supporting me, it means a lot...

Uk Virgin Money Giving page Fundraiser for Glenn Johnstone - Arctic one


If you would like to read all about Arctic One please click here.

Arctic One's Homepage