Tonight is one of those nights where I just can’t switch off

Tonight is one of those nights where I just can’t switch off. My mind is working overtime. Yeah I’m tired and I know I will pay the price come the morning when I have to get up for work, it’s not even as if I have all that much phantom pain. Nope although I tell myself “just go to sleep” it’s not happening.

As I lie, kind of almost in a dream state, images keep popping into my head, quite a few of these appear to be based around what’s gone on in my life, both past and present, though not so much the future, as like you I don’t have the benefit or foresight. I think I know what is going on and it’s not that I’m worried I just simply can’t sleep tonight. I have been asked to write an article for the Challenged Athletes Foundation’s Blog, this has for some reason entered my thoughts tonight and got me thinking.

I know my blog is aptly named Post Amp Adventures, Why? Well because I much prefer to concentrate on the stuff that is going on now rather than what I went through for a long period whilst I was ill. However in order to get to where I am today I had to undergo all that bad stuff. 

So whilst I can’t sleep I am going to try and write down what had gone through my mind, just before I got up and decided to reboot my pc and start typing away.

At one point in my life I felt I faced the end. This may sound rather dramatic, though for me it was very real. I had reached a point which I can only describe as standing looking into a huge black void of nothingness. One step further I would fall from the edge and be lost forever. Of course this was the mental side of things. I felt I had reached my limit of pain and my life force was just ebbing away. I awoke each day when I could sleep wishing I hadn’t woke up. It wasn’t that I wanted to cease to exist, No I just wanted to wake up and everything be ok, be normal and not in pain. Be able to do something with my life. Physically I was a broken man, demoralised, no job, no partner and living with my parents instead of out there making something of my life and being independent. Relying on people all of the time is a tough pill to swallow.

At the time options were there I just couldn’t see all of them. All I could see was give up or continue in limbo, which basically equated to as good as giving up, two negatives in this case most certainly not making a positive.

Things took a rather surprising turn for me. I recall the time well. A rather special community nurse came to see me and tried her best to motivate and give me hope. Of course I wasn’t interested. I had decided to encapsulate myself in this imaginary protective bubble, my way of coping with my situation. Of course this meant I blocked out reality. I was lost and couldn’t see any options, my judgement clouded by pain and misery. Then it was as if I had what I can only describe as a light bulb moment “Ting” it was if someone had flicked a switch and I had this epiphany. A few very simple words from this nurse struck a chord somewhere deep inside, and my mind fired into action. Other possibilities came flooding into my conciousness. It was like if I do this, will it lead to this, or if I do that could I possibly go on to do that. For the first time in years I felt excitement. Excitement at what you may ask. Well this may sound weird, but excitement at having my leg chopped off. You see I hadn’t really thought about that option, well that’s a bit of a fib to be honest. I had and it scared the shit out of me. I had fought tooth and nail for well over 11 years to keep my leg, yet in the end it was the very thing I was fighting for that was holding me back. My leg had become my number one arch enemy. It’s a very bizarre feeling. It’s like having the love of your life betray you.

That was then this is now…

So as my thoughts formed in my mind, remember I’m trying to describe what I was thinking earlier I kind of equated where I am now to a favourite kind of analogy of mine and that’s of a Phoenix rising from the ashes. I think it symbolises quite a bit about my life. My old life left in the ashes, my new life rising to take shape. Something I am still totally amazed at and feel so lucky to have. Sometimes I reflect on the bad times, not because I am feeling depressed or sad, no it’s more a case of it allows me to see just how far I have come. I will never be an elite athlete, an astronaut or a brain surgeon. I’m just very happy and proud to be me and to have survived and fought to keep my sanity and also chose the right options in order to get out there and do something with my life. I suppose sometimes we have to take risks, in order to move forward with our lives and these risks can be very, very scary. 

I still can’t believe I’m back to work, not only back to work but doing something I love and working with some of the most fantastic people. I have travelled, wow me travelling all on my lonesome, this did wonders for my confidence and self-esteem. You lose things like that when you’re socially isolated for so long. And now I’m actually out swimming, riding bikes and very soon going to be learning how to run.

How many times have you ever thought, “That will never happen to me”. Now that can be in a good way or a bad way I guess you should always keep your options open huh.

So what have I learnt from my experiences? Well in short that you can always turn a negative into some kind of a positive. It may take a very long time and you may need help in discovering it, however it is there.

Ok I feel tired now and hopefully now that I have kind of wrote down what’s been running around in my mind I can get to sleep. I hope who ever reads this finds it interesting and if you’re having similar problems my thoughts and insight can help you in some way.

Night, night off to count sheep

PS you can really help me out in my aim to learn to run by supporting me and donating a few quid. Once I'm up and running my goal is to go on and help other people achieve their goals. I wouldn't normally ask for money from people as it doesn't sit well with me, however in order for me to help others I firstly need much needed support from you.

Thank you.
You Can Donate to my Virgin Just Giving Right Here. Just Hover over this Link

First ride on Bike Swanky's De Rosa Idol

Ever since returning from Seattle last September and having the opportunity to ride a road bike around town with my sponsor and buddy Brian Bartlett I have been thinking of getting one. I always thought "Me become a Roadie, No Way". My impressions of a roadie being  matching Lycra clad snobs, who never acknowledge you and think they own the road. However after having short go on a road bike I kind of saw the buzz, and whilst I don't go in for all the Lycra wear and I'm definitely not a snob, (you can't get much commoner than me)
 I can see the appeal of riding on the road as it's fast and you can keep up a good pace.

So moving along when I heard I had been approved for a running blade by the Challenged Athletes Foundation, then discovered that Arctic ONE where interested in what I was up to and wanted to help support me in my endeavours, well the next step was accepting the challenge of doing something I had never done before and that was a triathlon. 
 

Out on Bike Swanky's Demo De Rosa Idol

A night under the stars and bits and bobs from last week.

After having a relatively busy week what with appointments, work and trying to get some equipment sorted for my upcoming Triathlon in August I was feeling decidedly guilty that I hadn't actually gotten to do much riding or swimming as we approached the end of the week.

Canny hats them like

   

Climb — The Rob Jones Journey Story

Hi Guys I'm going to make this a real short blog as really this incredible video says so much more about a simply amazing bloke than I ever could.

I received the link today from my good friend and the sponsor of my BTK or Bartlett Tendon. I absolutely love my BTK (as you all know) however there are times when it's bloody hard work, so I have nothing but respect and admiration for Rob Jones, he is a truly inspirational guy.


Climb — The Rob Jones Journey Story from Ivan Kander on Vimeo.

Most Enjoyable Weekend

Isn't it lovely when you get a spot of nice weather, have no real plans and can just relax and do nothing in particular?

This weekend I kind of had plans to go biving with Lee, unfortunately after getting all my gear ready and just about preparing to set off to call on Lee he showed up at ours to inform me that his wife Michelle wasn't feeling to well and he wouldn't be able to go. Lee kept apologising saying "I feel really guilty" and asking was I ok about him having to change plans. "Hey don't worry" I said there will always be other adventures, at the end of the day Michelle is far more important than some over nighter sleeping in a plastic sack.  This treatment Michelle is undergoing is really taking it out of her, the sooner it's over the better.

I had spoken to my other friend Carl during the week and he was all up for a ride out on Friday afternoon, so that's what we did. Having a steady away up towards Consett and Waskerley Way, before turning around and coming back, popping into KFC to grab some sustenance in the shape of a Flaming wrap,popcorn chicken and some fries, oh and of course a Skittles Krushem milkshake. It was smashing seeing Carl, as it's been sometime and having a nice ride out with him. We covered just over 23 miles me, riding my NS Soda Air and Carl taking his Yeti ARC for a spin.

    

Me and Carl up towards Waskerley Way

Weapon of choice for today

A quick break before heading to KFC

Looking back the way we came

A random gate I just liked the sunshine

At the moment I'm pretty happy with the way my fitness is going, the  and local trails I'm riding not proving overly difficult and as I'm riding locally it allows meto get an idea of where I previously would struggle. Inthe past and I'm not making excuses for my fitness, however I have struggled to maintain some semblance of a routine. I have found something has always happened so my riding and general fitness has always been stop,start, stop,start. It actually gets depressing when you reach a certain level, have to stop for one reason or another then start right back where you originally were unfit and with no endurance or stamina. In the past I have suffered illness,broken bikes,ill fitting limbs,soreness,depression,laziness and a whole multitude of other sins and problems that have stopped me just getting out there and enjoying my riding. I'm still having a few probs at the minute socket wise, however feel this is one

of the most enjoyable periods I have had upon my various bikes.

On Saturday my friend Ade came down for both my son Kyle and me and we had a canny walk out. Firstly having a look down at the marina under Scotswood Bridge and then driving over to Swallwell visitor Centre, parking there and walking up the Derwent Walk. The Derwent walk was quite busy, various young couples,some with children in buggies other's taking their pooches for walks. There were cyclists and runners and all manner of people enjoying the beautiful weather. About roughly 2 miles into our walk we looked back as we heard the sound of a motorbike. "Weird" I thought where can that be coming from, as No motorcycles are allowed on the Walk, it's pedestrains,cyclists and horses only. But no approaching us and not slowing down for anyone is 3 scumbags all riding on the same clapped out motorbike. They are flying up the Walk with total disregard for anyone, whether that be adults their children or any dogs they have for a walk. I just stood in the middle of the path I wasn't going to shift for these cocks. As soon as they got past I asked Ade if he knew the non emergency number for the Police and after he did a quick Google search he told me it was 101. I discovered it wasn't 111 after I rang the NHS Oops. I reported what I had witnessed and the very polite operator asked would I like to be kept in the loop if anything came of the incident "Yes" I replied. Anyhoo I have had 2 courtesy calls so far from Northumbria Police and although they haven't caught these scumbags I am happy with the Police's response and how they have gone on to say they will monitor the area. It's absolutely ridiculous riding a motorcycle down that path as someone could get seriously injured or even killed.

And so today after not getting to bed until after 4:35am this morning, couldn't sleep so looking at bike porn. I'm in the market for a road bike just can't decide which one. I got up at around 10'ish. Lee had messaged me asking if I was up for an outing. I then got in touch with Carl and he was up for a look out so he came over for me and then I took him over to Lee's to introduce the two of them.


Once Carl and Lee had made each other's acquaintance we headed off, yep the old favourite route and up the farmers trail. We kind of just made the route up as we rode and found ourselves on the Tanfield Railway path and from there headed to Sunnyside. It was quite funny watching Carl clamber over a gate enroute. Lee and I looked on curiously "Errr why did  you climb over the gate Carl ?" Obviously Carl hadn't noticed the piece of rope keeping the gate shut lol.

Rather technical way of keeping the gate shut, Carl decided to climb over said gate

     After the gate was a big puddle wow you should have seen all the midges, they are right nasty little buggers and need to be avoided at all cost.

Midges were all over near this puddle

Look at all the vicious little buggers I hate scumbag midges

 This is where Lee showed me a completely different route and we ended up almost at the entry for the Clockburn Lonnen. As I caught up to both Lee and Carl, Lee informed me Michelle had been on the phone and that she wasn't feeling well. So unfortunately he had to head back home. Carl and I decided to crack on and went down the Clockburn Lonnen which was a real thrill as the bank is very steep. Once at the bottom we were on to the Derwent Walk and set a canny pace up the track. There was a young couple on bikes in front of us and we used them to set a pace. at one point they tried to lose us, however they ran out of steam and the 2 old farts passed them, no stamina these young'un's lol. After a few miles a quick pit stop for a banana and a couple of cereal bars and of course a bit chat, then we were off again all the way up to Consett and well may as well pop into KFC as we are passing, Carl treating us to a Zinger Burger each and a couple of shakes. The ride home was fun and I mentioned to Carl "you know what I think I could do that full loop again I feel good".

I've lost a good bit weight. On trying out my check socket

Carl sporting his beard

You can tell Carl hasn't been out for a bit as he was complaining of a sore butt

Admiring the view

  So overall this weekend has been very enjoyable. I only got nettled once and it's burning like a bugger at the moment. I got to spend some quality time with my friends, reported some scumbags so did my  whole looking after the enviroment and protecting our local area...expecting my good citizen award soon and maybe the keys to the city. Oh and the weather has been beautiful.

In ending although I have had a good time I would like to spare a thought for Michelle and Lee. So many people get wrapped up in their own little worlds that they forget about what other people are going through or facing. Here's wishing you a speedy recovery Michelle xXx

We meet some simply smashing people on our adventures

Chris, Graham and Lee

Another short blog, normally I wouldn't have even blogged about this afternoons ride as it was just my friend Lee and myself going out for a casual spin. I had my camera however I had brought it just in case more than thinking I was heading out to capture something specific or new. Until Lee txt me I hadn't really planned to go out ,which would have been a shame as it's been a beautiful day, if a little hot at times for riding.

Today was all basically local loops, though I did take Lee up Iveston bank and was well pleased that the bank wasn't half as tough as I last remember it I guess that is a good sign my fitness is improving. As we made our way down onto the cycle track, then cycled no more than a mile or two in the direction of Consett Lee got a puncture in his rear tyre. As he tipped his bike upside down and began repairing it two gentleman approached on bikes from the opposite direction.


These two gentlemen were very nice asking what was up and if we were ok. As Lee fixed his puncture it gave me the opportunity to have a right old chinwag with these two guys and they were very interesting. Graham and Chris had ridden from Alston and were on their way to Durham for a few nights, they were doing part of the coast to coast routes and intended heading down towards Hartlepool and from there way down to Whitby, good stuff. It's always very nice to meet these lovely people on our adventures and just pass a few moments of the day talking and sharing experiences.

After saying our goodbye's to Graham and Chris Lee and I headed up to KFC for a well earned ice cream. I decided to treat us to a mini meal each, consisting of a rather tasty flaming chicken wrap, some pop corn chicken and some fries, oh and a couple of those KFC Krushems with Skittles added. They went down a treat and we were both ready for them, the heat zapping our energy.

Only one photo taken today, it is a memento of the awesome people we meet upon our adventures and renews our faith that there are some really nice genuine people out there. Good luck to Graham and Chris it was a pleasure meeting you.

More goodies from my good friends over at Bike Bag Dude

Just a short blog to say a huge thank you to Kath n Kedan over at Bike Bag Dude, my gear arrived today. When I got in from work there was a large white heavy weight bag. I was well chuffed and excited and bonus no import duty, thanks guys for sorting that out and the great deal on the equipment. 

Awesome gear and pretty cool T-shirts too

   It was my awesome friend Mark Peterson who I visited like what seems centuries ago in his home town of Ogden Utah USA, however it was only last September who put me onto Kath n Kedan and ever since they have been so supportive of everything I have done, passing on kind words and encouraging comments upon Facebook and following my blog. In return I try to wear my bags with pride and always give them a mention when I do one of my small home movies or take a photo with their gear in place upon my bike.

This is going to make life easier on the bike

I was so impressed with my last bag from the guys that I decided to purchase another frame bag as well as a couple of chaff bags and a handlebar roll for my bike packing adventures which I'm hoping to do a lot more of.

As many of you will know I'm trying to raise funds for a running limb and I have this plan, idea call it what you will to do an unsupported bike packing adventure in the Hebrides, hopefully getting some good pictures and video footage so I can share it with everyone. At the moment I'm struggling with logistically I'm useless at planning and it's not just that to travel relatively light costs money. For instance I need a good sleeping bag and mat and at the moment I'm fancying the whole biving idea, though not quite sure. I have a small 2 man tent, however if I'm going to just bivi I think taking a tarp along would make good sense, so I need to purchase one of these too.

Ok then no need to do a review of the Bike Bag Dude's gear as I know it is solid having already used my other bag through some pretty hacky,dirty and mucky conditions. It has never let me down keeping everything bone dry and when requiring cleaning I just pop it in the washer on a rapid wash and low temp. Not sure if that's the right way to clean it, but so far the bag has been bullet proof and gets a 5 star rating.

Ooh what a lovely surprise from my friend Bex

A week to the day ago I was down in Buckinghamshire taking part in the Arctic One's duathlon. I had a fantastic time and met some proper friendly people and received loads of support and well wishes, oh and a few slightly bemused looks as people checked out my ride. Yeah obviously they hadn't got the memo everyone was supposed to turn up on Fat Bikes...Or was that just me. I suppose I must have looked like the guy who turns up to a party all dressed in a fancy dress costume only to find out "Errr actually it's not a fancy dress". Never mind for me and the guys at Arctic One it was all about the taking part, not so much how fast I could get around the course.

What a lovely surprise thanks Bex xXx

 

Huge thanks to Wayne and his mates for supporting Arctic One

Huge thanks to Wayne Hardman, Keith Tallentire, Richard Telford, Lee Couch, Christopher Elliott and Malcolm Irving for raising money for The Arctic ONE Foundation They completed their coast to coast cycle ride and the money raised will go towards our projects in 2014.

Cheers for your support Wayne and the rest of the lads