When you just don't feel like going out!

The lads had been going back and forth with messages upon Facebook arranging a ride out for Saturday morning. I only sent a few short messages, saying I didn't feel like heading out, but hoped they enjoyed themselves. As the days go by I just feel weaker and weaker and everything feels like a chore.

Well Saturday morning arrived I hadn't set my alarm like I usually would and was awakened by our doorbell ringing. Thoughts ran through my head 'aww just ignore it, who ever it is will go away'. I  then thought I had better go and see who it was. As I hopped down stairs using my elbow crutches as i couldn't be arsed to pop my leg on I saw though our kitchen window that it was my friend John. I went to the back door, opened it and John came in while I made a cup of tea and had some toast. 'You not up for a ride out' John said, to which I  replied 'I'm just not feeling it mate'. Soon after our other friend Lee arrived. When Lee saw I wasn't ready he asked 'You not coming'?, again I just repeated my earlier comment to John, saying I wasn't exactly feeling good. Lee was gutted, well so was John as they love hanging with me and going for a ride. Lee always says 'I always have an adventure or something happens when I am with you'. This is pretty much true, it's very rare we go out and something either funny, interesting or bizarre happens. As I was just finishing up my toast I spotted our other friend Al pull up in his car. At this point I was feeling a bit guilty, here were all the lads and me being a pussy just because I didn't feel too good. Before All got his bike unloaded off his car I hopped upstairs and popped my bikey gear on and got ready to head out with the boys.
              

Up the mucky farmers trail with Teflon Lee

Got to love the mud

Almost a death in the family, well more of a murder really!

Yesterday was a very traumatic day for me. I was up my friends Ade and Amanda's when I received the terrible news via text from my son Kyle that one of my dearest friends, had almost lost his life. This friend has been with me for well over 20 years through thick and thin. He has been there through relationship break ups, seen me through bad times and has always been there to listen. Admittedly he never says anything back in return, but at least I know he's not going to give me shit advice, try and play me or steal any potential girls. He loves me unconditionally and never expects anything in return, well apart from the odd drink now and again.

It wasn't me

Yes I love my Groot. Groot is an umbrella tree I have had him since he was a baby. I can still remember bringing him home, aww bless he was just a wee shoot of a thing. But with love and attention he grew up to be a beautiful, though slightly weird shaped plant. The thing I especially like about Groot is he doesn't conform to other umbrella trees, he has a mind of his own and does his own thing. He sprouts his leaves at weird times and at funny angles.

I can recall when I used to have him in the living room near our sofa, we would watch films together and Groot would tickle my head with his leaves as they bent right over the back of the sofa.  I would often chat to him and tell him 'what a pretty boy, Oh yes you are' and I swear he would rustle his leaves and grow a few millimetres by the next day.

Anyhoo back to this terrible text , it went : Kyle - 'Grandad just told me that Baxter just ate some of Groot'
 
Me - 'Is Groot ok'
 
Kyle - 'He says No, Groot is not ok, he is an amputee like you now, but has lost two limbs instead of one'

Baxter is a bad bad dog

Omg wor Baxter has tried to murder my best friend. I was not a happy bunny. When I got in Groot wasn't in his normal place and I panicked thinking Ern may have buried him or something in the back garden. 'Where's Groot' I shouted up our stairs. 'He is in the sitting room' Ern replied. I opened the door and was devastated to see my usually leafy friend was bare. Two of his wonderful stalks had been eaten and the leaves and branches gone.
 
Baxter came to greet me I gave him a 'You are a bad boy look', to which he returned my look with a 'it wasn't me, honest' expression.


Groot is now down to one stalk I do hope he recovers from this traumatic incident. I will be doing everything I can to nurse him back to full health. Even though the bloke at the job centre asked if my leg was going to grow back and it hasn't so far I have faith that Groots stalks will return.

Ok I have to go it's just all too much...

Sometimes not planning a route, turns out to be the best route.

It's been ages since I last rode with my good mate Lee. What with Lee working shifts and me never knowing where or what I am going to be up to and like everyone stuff just gets in the way from time to time.  Anyhoo Lee had given me a shout on Facebook Sunday night saying 'Hey I'm off tomorrow you up for a ride out?'. 'Sure' I replied as long as it's not an epic as I have been feeling really tired over the last week or so. In fact I hate to admit it but 2 days running I had hardly gotten out of bed. It wasn't the fact I was like sleepy tired, no more of a bone weary tired. After I had rode the 38 miles or so the other week when I went down to Tynemouth and back with my other friend John I just felt absolutely knackered and it must have lingered on. I am pretty stubborn and for me feeling like this is just not on, though I am learning sometimes I do need to give myself a break and rest and take it easy, other wise it takes even longer to get myself put right and this causes me to become even more anxious and frustrated.

Down the leafy trail

Lee

A Tootle from Newcastle to Tynemouth

****Update****

Decided to play around with some of my footage from my outing with John. There was so much stuff that I could probably make 3 or 4 small movies. May do more later but for the time being this crudely put together bit will have to do :)

 

Good news on the old White Blood Count

After having my bloods retaken on Tuesday I was very surprised to discover they had risen from 0.52 all the way up to 3.79. I'm not sure what I have been doing but it must have worked. My friend Ade reckons it was that trip we had to Holy Island lol. I have been trying to exercise (maybe a little too much at times) by getting out on my bikes and I have been eating plenty of mixed fruit and berries and drinking a lot more water.

Yesterday (Thursday) I attended Shotley Bridge chemotherapy day unit for my 5th cycle of treatment. When I was there the haematology nurse came over to have a chat and explained that as my Wbc's were not recovering each time I had treatment they thought it a good idea that this cycle I only have one session of chemo and antibody and this would also be the case for my next cycle. So I have today off from treatment and I have awoken feeling quite good. The side effects to the drugs usually kicks in around 4 days later, however last month I didn't experience hardly any, well apart from the dop in my wbc count.

The hardest part for me is having to try and take things easy and being off work, it gets so boring. I have never been a one for sitting still, yet due to unforeseen circumstances a great deal of my life has forced me to do just this. I think that is why I get so wound up at times now I just want to get on. Never mind just one more session and then normal service shall be resumed and I can ease back into the swing of things.

So much to look forward to and feeling well which will be a huge bonus. I never really seem to have a plan for life I rarely know what I am doing from one week to the next however I do know I want to achieve and accomplish more, doing what well I haven't a clue.

One things for sure my future will never pass me.

Have a great day everyone x

Bad Boy Baxter

So my dad comes up into my bedroom and says ' Errr did you leave the downstairs toilet door open'. (that's where we have our shoe rack and my cycling jackets hung behind the door) 'No I don't think so' I replied 'Why'. Too which Ern said 'Well wor Baxter has been in and ate my slippers', ah well that's not so bad I thought. Then my dad said 'He has also ate part of one of your new road bike shoes', 'awwww crap that's bad' I thought. On further investigation yep Baxter has decided to chew off the ratchet strap and part of the ratchet on my new Spiuk roadie shoe.

Bad Boy Baxter

I went to his crate where he was lying, looking up with a slightly 'It wasn't me' look upon his cute little face. 'Bad dog' I said as I showed him my shoe.

These stink Anyhooo

Ern is now on sorting the downstairs toilet door making it Baxter proof. You see it did have a roller ball catch. Ern is now putting on a proper catch so that Baxter can't just nudge the door and get in. I can't be mad with him as he really is a lovely little fella. I guess if you aren't giving him 100% attention he gets bored and goes looking for trouble. Baxter loves attention, he is one of the friendliest and loveable bullys and such a character.
 

Huh it wasn't me Honest!

A very enjoyable adventure to Holy Island

Following my visit to see my friends Ade and his wife Amanda yesterday and being at a slightly loose end as I am off work, (supposed to be taking it easy) I suggested to Ade 'why don't we go somewhere tomorrow. I am useless trying to think of new places to go so asked Ade did he have any thoughts. 'oh I wouldn't mind a look to Holy Island, sometime', he said thinking that we could maybe do that sometime in the future. Ade really wanted to head up that way and get some shots of the Puffins that frequent the Island. So I suggested 'hey why don't we just go tomorrow'. I mean we both didn't have any other plans and now I have my little car, it meant I wasn't leaving Ern vehicle-less. 

Looking over to Lindisfane

Amanda checked the tidal times that evening and I arranged to come up for Ade at around 6am the following morning. I then headed home and ended up having a late night, so come 5:30 am when my alarm went off I had only had just over two hours sleep. Strangely enough I awoke feeling quite good, my niggley cough which I have had the last few weeks didn't seem as bad and I felt like I had a little more energy. I got up, washed and dressed, grabbed my gear and set off for Ade, no breakfast this morning I just didn't have time.
Arriving at Ade and Amanda's, Amanda had made me a lovely cup of tea and I only had to wait a little while, whilst Ade got his camera gear and other bits and bobs sorted, then we were off.

I'm getting to grips with the new head unit I have put into Tango. It's a canny bit of kit for the money. I bought the unit off Amazon after looking for head units with a Sat Nav function. The Unit is a Pumpkin 6.95" Android 4.4 Universal In Dash HD Touch screen Car DvD player with GPS Navigation, stereo Am and FM radio support, as well as offering SD/USB ,Bluetooth/3G/Wifi/OBD2/ 1080P

Nice features and seems to work well

A little play around with the Sat Nav and we soon had a route to follow. The unit comes with iGo maps installed on a micro SD card and once you get used to the format of how to input stuff the Sat Nav works extremely well. As I recall I think the Sat Nav said we had around 70 odd miles to get to Holy Island. 

Time to think positive

The last few months have been difficult due to all this treatment, however even more so as my white blood count has been so low. Last month I was at around 0.72 and this month it had dropped to 0.14. On today's visit to Shotley Bridge and the chemo day unit my WBC (white blood count) had only marginally risen to 0.52. Ideally I need it to be at at least 1.5 so I can have treatment, this means I have a way to go.

At the moment I have a slight cold and this could be effecting how quickly my WBC comes up. I'm going to have to be a little cautious I guess as I really don't want to be spending time in some hospital ward.
 
After calling one of the G.P's at my local surgery I felt a bit better in my thinking as the doctor agreed I really should be off work and she had no qualms about issuing me a sick note. In my head i tend to think of this whole situation as no big deal and just wish I could get the bloody thing over and done with and get back to whatever 'normal' is for someone like me.

I've spent the last few weeks feeling rather down what with one thing and another I go through periods like this and always learn from them. Sometimes I need down time to allow me to reflect and appreciate 'hey you know what I can't always fix everything and it's not always my fault'. Sometimes things just follow a course or path that makes us sad or unhappy, but hey that is just life and no matter what we try to do fate or destiny or whatever you want to call it just keeps on coursing ahead.

I guess it's now time to regroup and think positive and get things in to  perspective and just do what I do best, dust myself off say 'Fuck it' and aim to be the best person I can be for myself and others.

As many of you will know I have a habit of writing from the heart and I think that is why so many people like my writing style. As I was out riding my bike the other day and was totally knackered, a song came on my mp3 player and  the lyrics certainly touched a chord with me as that was the way I was feeling at the time, they went as follows 'Wheeling through an endless fog', how the hell I managed to then get up that geet big hill amazed me, as I was feeling pretty depressed. It's funny how music can have such an impact on you and boy at times the fog is so thick.

Today however I feel a bit different, not sure why I mean things aren't exactly great, but I just know that the fog will never remain endless. Even when we feel life isn't exactly treating us kindly, change is occurring every second of every day, sure we can feel sorry for ourselves and try to slow it down, but it is inevitable, so why not go with the flow and move forward instead or trying to remain static. I think my biggest achievement is possibly in trying to give other people hope. Especially when they hear 'yeah I get down', I'm quite proud I can also get back up and learn from my experiences each time.

Just some thoughts from today :)

Does anyone really read this anyways

I haven't been blogging as much lately I mean I have still been doing stuff, just it doesn't feel important or interesting enough to really write about and lets face it who wants to read about negative stuff, because that's the way I have been feeling. Rides out haven't been so much about fun, but pushing myself way to far, because I feel weak and it's a kind of way of saying screw you to whatever bad is going on at the moment.

I really need to get out of this sort of self destruct phase, as although no time is good to be feeling like this, well it's even worse now that these stupid white blood cells are at zero and I need to be thinking and acting positively. Everyone always comments on how positive I am and in a way this just puts additional pressure on as I'm going through a hard time at the moment and just feel pretty alone.

And that's the negative stuff out the way no need to call the Samaritans just yet lol. I really need to practice what my headline says upon my blog page, just in a difficult place at the moment. Sure normal service will be resumed quite soon.

So dark in the woods had to have the flash on

Plans for this week, none. I just wake up and see what happens, so what happened this morning. My friend John messaged me asking how I was and did I fancy doing anything. We discussed either going for a ride in Tango, but couldn't think of anywhere, or an adventure out on the bikes. Bikes it was. John always leaves the route finding to me I don't know why as I always get us lost. Sometimes getting lost is half the fun though and today was no different. We discovered yet more new single track and had to ride up a long winding bank, great more punishment lol.

Taking a break

At Lamsley on a rock

John

I tried to pop my cheerful head on for John this morning, not sure I pulled it off. I have a really dark sense of humour, something John has now become accustomed to, so we quite often have a good laugh as my pessimism can actually be quite funny.

   

I think it's raining

Today's ride was a very wet one, we hardly saw anyone out, but I really enjoyed it. I love the rain, the pitter patter as you ride through the woods as the drops hit and fall from the leaves. The suck of your tyres as you go through mud and of course once you are wet, well it doesn't make a difference if you then ride through puddles and have a bit of a splash.

A couple of selfies on to of the Causey Arch, didn't discover any 'Cocks' today

Just me soaked through

I wasn't expecting it to lash down like it did, so today's ride probably wasn't the best idea. I'm in trouble if I catch a cold or bug.

Bright Light!

And that's about all I have to say for now lol