Right from the off I don't want to be coming off all negative and what not, however I do believe in keeping it real, so as the title to this blog says I am going to mention how I have just not been feeling great the last few months.
I am sure it was Winston Churchill I maybe wrong who first wrote about The Black Dog, as he referred to it, which was a symbol of his depression following him around.
Of course, I will also go onto to set aside my low mood and concentrate on some of the positives.
Apologies for the swearing in advance
So for starters, I have deactivated my Facebook account. Facebook has changed dramatically over the years, however now I just feel it is a place mostly full of negativity, hate and people are not genuine. It's as if we live in a make believe world, with make believe friends, all of whom have an opinion and are trying to out do one another. I just don't need that shit in my life. I want to be out of the rat race, not bang smack in the middle of it, way too much drama.
Yesterday, I completed my crunch sit-ups, jumped on my turbo trainer and completed day 629 of riding every day. I then felt I had energy to burn, so went for a walk of just under 8 miles. Whilst out walking, I had my mp3 player turned on and a Keane song came on as I had the player set to random. It was the song Starting Line, It's funny how when you are in a world of your own, you tend to listen to lyrics more. Anyways the song had one particular verse and it kind of struck a chord in how I am feeling, as it went "You wanna be lost and not be found". When I think on this line in the verse, it kind of says a lot about how I have been feeling for quite some time, probably more than a few months when I analyse it. It actually relates to me wanting to head off to Scotland and be pretty much isolated and again, goes towards my feelings of NOT being involved in the rat race and just going through the motions of life. I am struggling with the question of purpose I guess, or lack of it.
Maybe it is because I feel so alone, that in my head it is a way of saying "well screw you all" I don't honestly know. I think what is scary about depression and feeling down is that when you try to ask yourself the question "Why am I feeling like this", it's as if your mind shuts down, maybe to protect you or maybe because it's just plain stubborn, or in some cases it's just fucked up.
Anyhoo on a positive note some Northern Soul popped up on my mp3 so as I continued on my walk I got in the swing of things and even busted out some moves, well there was no one around at like 10pm on a deserted woodland trail.
Today was Day630 of riding every day, so I decided to complete my crunches for this month, so that is a total of 9300 for the month of July, and I then I got ready and went out on my bike.
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| 9300 Crunches this month |
I thought I would do a few loops of the walk I had taken the previous day. I won't bore you with details. Basically around and around again, a local 8 mile'ish loop, obviously where there weren't many people. Oh! I did see a frog.
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| Over at Chapman Wells |
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After saying goodbye I set off again, it had started to rain, so I popped my bike in Turbo mode and set off for home at a slightly quicker pace.
Positives, well I had a turbo mode on my bike...
Oh! And I am continuing to support Arctic ONE with raising money for their Grant system. Now that I am not on Facebook, I am not entirely sure who will even read my blog. Feel free to comment on my Blog. I just think it's important to live in the real world and no it's Not always sunshine & light. Maybe someone reading my wee post will take something positive away, knowing that it's ok to put it out there that you are not going through a particularly good time or feeling down. Or that there are other people out there struggling with mental health problems.
Anyhoo if you feel you could help support me with fundraising for Arctic ONE here is the link
https://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/GlennJohnstone1
Thank you
2 comments:
I can relate in many way Glenn. I have struggled with depression my entire life. I don't know that I have any insight concerning depression other than depression always bends reality for the depressed. In other words it creates an illusion that usually is self reinforcing. The only thing I have found to escape the darkness is creativity. I the darkest hours I have ever observed in my life I began to draw. That simple act became a staircase that helped me crawl out of the dark place. That is also what I use Facebook for. For me, I am just creating little bits of art and it is not specifically for anyone else, but sharing it seems to connect me with others. I will miss you on FB Glenn but I will follow your blog and your adventure. Know that you are Loved by many and many consider you family. Love you Brother.
Hi Mark
Thanks for the kind words and support, it means a lot. I always intended to keep in touch with you, regardless of coming off FB and had an inkling you would read my blog and respond. I will continue to keep my blog going, so you can contact me here, or you can also email me at kotz68atgmail.com just replace the (at) with the symbol.
I think I have mentioned before I keep a scripting diary and tend to write and doodle in it. This helps me to communicate better with my subconscious, as I try to concentrate on positive things that I want to occur or change in my life.
Love you and your folks, thanks for dropping by.
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