Hopefully not to many Err's, Ahh's and Mmm's as I get interviewd at BBC Radio Tees.

 Things are going very well with the short documentary film I was invited to be featured in. So far, the film has won 6 awards, and it is still in the running to be chosen for more. As I posted last week, I had some exciting news about the film being screened in Barcelona and being invited to the event, I am so excited not only to attend the screening in September but also to get to spend some time with some of the amazing people who worked on creating and telling my story about part of my journey and who are also now dear friends and lovely people.

I have often been asked, "Where and when can we see the film?" well, I am sure at some point, it will be available to the general public however, for the time being, it has to do the rounds at film festivals. Rest assured, as soon as I can pop a link to the full film, all 22 minutes of it, I will. The film has quite an emotional effect on me each time I watch it. I think, No, in fact, I know that Dragos has captured something in the film that is very special.

With regards to the film and me now having to find money to privately fund my sporting prosthetic needs, I thought it may be a good idea to get in touch with BBC Radio Tees and see if they via a Go Fund Me page would be interested in my continued journey, encompassing the ups and downs of what has been going on.

Within the hour of firing off an email, I got a response from Dave Llewellyn, a producer and presenter over at BBC Radio Tees. Dave simply said, "What a Great Story," and we arranged a quick chat on the phone. I was then invited to BBC Radio Tees on Friday morning (yesterday the 30th of August) to meet with another presenter, Gary Philipson.

Real pleasure to meet with BBC Radio Tees Gary Philipson, what a nice fella

Upon arrival at the Radio station, a parking place had been reserved, and everyone at the station was very friendly and welcoming to my dad and me. We were invited in by Dave and taken upstairs in a small lift to a long waiting area. Here, we were invited to a drink, coffee/tea, and we had a little chat with Dave, before Gary came along and took us through to the Radio room with the recording set up.

On my previous visits, I had done live broadcasts. However, this time round, it was to be a recorded interview that could be edited and aired at a later date on Dave's show.

We pretty much got into the interview straight away, Dave checking his equipment and then starting by saying, "Let's start with your name". It's always slightly nerve-racking when you are trying to think of answering a question, trying not to ramble on and the dreaded "Err's, Ahh's and Mmm's" that can occur as you try to give yourself time to think. From my point of view, poor Dave hardly got a word in. However, he did ask some pertinent questions, which allowed me to explain what was going on.

 

BBC Radio Tees with the Ern

In hindsight, although I had mentioned the short documentary,  I wish I had mentioned the name of the film, which is "Meet the Local Hero - Glenn Johnstone" I think I have mentioned in previous blogs about the film, but I most definitely did not choose the title. I don't proclaim to be any sort of Hero I am just an ordinary bloke who has been through some extraordinary circumstances. What I do find remarkable is, upon my journey, some of the amazing people I have had the great pleasure of meeting. In a world that appears to be going mad, there are some really genuine, nice folk out there with their own interesting and important stories and messages of hope and inspiration.

Following the interview, we said our farewells, and Ern and I went for a cruise in my wee Abarth 124. It was a lovely day, so we had the top down. My dad directed me over to the Transporter Bridge, and I got a few shots for posterity. We then head home via Costco at the Metro Centre, this little car guzzles fuel I can't get it over 31.1 mpg, and I drive like Miss Daisy. 

  

Abarth 124 Spider at Middlesbrough

Me and the wee Abarth 124

  

Here's one of The Ern

On the ride home, we encountered one speed bump which my car scraped off. This is after having my car fitted with coilovers and lowered, plus larger wheels fitted. As I recall, the bump was somewhere near Wingate. My car also scapes off the mountain of a speed bump at the end of our street. When we got home my dad got changed and jacked up my car, popping it right up on ramps so that he could have a look underneath to see if he could see exactly where it was catching. Ern removed the under tray protecting the exhaust, and it became clear the protective skid pan was the culprit. I'm just pleased it isn't my exhaust I can live with the pan doing its job. My dad refitted the pan, and the car is now all good.

The interview aired on the 30/08/2024

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It's 03:20 am and I can't sleep. I'm thinking of writing a book!

Man it's 3:20 am and I just can't get to sleep. I have been lying on the couch all night, my stomach all upset and cramped up, andit feels like its on fire. I am down to 4 prednisolone tablets per day, having reduced them from 8 per day, they are for this newly diagnosed ulcerative colitis. I think the medication creates cortisol, so I haven't been sleeping well for over a month now.

I have always struggled to switch off,  nothing to do with medication. My mind is constantly whirring around, analysing this or debating that. Sometimes it can be very useful and help me problem solve, and then other times it can be a real curse, as I try to tell my mind "It's time for bed now".

writing an e-book

Over the years quite a few people have said things to me like " I think you should write a book" or on occasion "Have you ever thought about having a go at motivational speaking". I never really gave it that much thought, just thinking they were being polite when they had heard some of the experiences I had been through. Then lately I gave the book thing a bit more thought. As for the motivational speaking I am not sure. I mean I guess if I was talking about certain stuff that I had experienced, it's then how to get it out, and inspire, the whole purpose of motivational speaking is in the title "Motivation".

Getting back to the book thing, it will be a fictional book, not an autobiography, more of a true story or a memoir, I think they call it. I have been hard at work writing, well typing, I mean it is 2024 and feathered quills are not in vogue. So far I am up to just over 29,000 words. It is a very rough edit, with lots of grammar and spelling mistakes. It recounts part of my journey from taking ill at 27 with a giant cell tumour in my right leg, up until present day. The story is pretty full on, as I have been very honest and not held anything back. There are a lot of dark times mentioned and I try to explain my mindset during these periods, there are also happy times, funny times and a few stories about when I was growing up. I have included very personal things and shared some of my poems and songs, which some people I am sure will think are a load of bollocks, but hey, they are my words and thoughts, special to me so I am not too concerned.

I am by no means a professional writer, or poet, this is just something I would like to try, I guess for myself as much as anything.

The difficult parts:

There are a lot of things to consider when writing a book, for starters it is incredibly difficult writing a true story, and those people involved in that story not being named. If  I do include peoples names I have to then approach them, and get written consent.  I have met that many people over the years, it would take me forever to contact everyone and get consent. So I have attempted to write in such a way that not many people are named. Its a real shame as I would like to thank each one for their support and by naming them. There is nothing I have written that is defamatory in my opinion, a few funny instances I have recounted, that is about it.

Next is finding someone to proof read my work. I'm thinking this could be quite expensive and I write in a slightly unusual way, so don't really want my book changed and lose the essence of myself, if that makes sense. I tend to swear a lot, it is an emotive response, and I use a fair bit of Geordie or Durham'ite dialect, its where I come from and I am proud to have a pit village accent and I think it adds to the authentic nature of my story.

 

Writing a book and putting it online

Next on the agenda after doing some research is where to place the book. Amazon KDP, looks like the easiest way to start. I think I can use a company called Draft2Digital to format the e-book and then upload it to Amazon. The thing from what I have read here is not to go for Amazons Free ISBN number. The ISBN is used to identify books, however if I use Amazons free ISBN I am then tied in to only selling the book on Amazon. So I have looked into how to get my own ISBN and think it costs £93 per book. So it would be £93 for an e-book, then £93 for a paperback and again £93 for a hardback. Mind you the paperback and hardback versions are just wishful thinking I mean I may not sell a single copy, but that is the good thing about "Print on demand", I don't have to go out and buy lets say 1000 books and then have them stored at home gathering dust as no one is interested, and I don't have to package them and ship them off. Amazon or any of the other print on demand companies take a percentage of the sales and do everything.

And so that is where I am at. Hopefully if I do get to release my own book, it would get a good reception, not be considered too depressing and who knows inspire, even one person, or help someone to understand they are not alone. Thinking big, it might make me a shed load of money so I can follow my dream and get that house up in Scotland LoL

I don't claim to be a poet, a musician or particularly good at anything other than being me.

Just Me

As my blog title says, " I don't claim to be a poet, a musician or particularly good at anything other than being me". However, if you would like to comment, good or bad, please feel free to do so, either way, negative or positive, it will inspire me to become more creative, I guess.

I have been practising and learning to play the guitar for roughly 2 years now. I don't know if it is because I am relatively old to start learning new things, or I am just plain thick. However, I am not that good. The thing is, whilst I would love to be able to play any song and, if the fancy took me, be able to go on the local streets and busk to a great reception from an audience, I don't mind just trying my best and messing around with my various guitars. It brings me great joy, relaxes me, and takes me away for a little while. It has even helped me become creative and I have gone on to write what could either be considered songs or poems.

Parts of one of my songs/poems have been incorporated into the short documentary film I was invited to take part in, " Meet The Local Hero - Glenn Johnstone". I had to try and read the poem out loud and record my feelings about my words so that it would give a good representation in the film. This was a bit more difficult than I first thought, so I took a few takes. However, I was happy with the final results as was Dragos the director and Filmmaker.

Here is the poem that I wrote in its entirety and parts of it were used in the film.

Dark Thoughts

Thoughts so dark inside of my mind, Questions of how did I end up here.
No escape I'm so scared, locked in and trapped here, inside my head, it's a deathly tomb.

Imagination creates a barren wasteland, played out in black and white 
I try to flick my inner switch, to seek a corner and hide away.

Numb to the core, Can't sleep, Don't speak I think I'm losing my mind.
A dark chasm lies before me, an abyss to steal all hope away.

Suddenly I'm at its edge, if I fall now I'm forever lost.
The wind howls its wicked threats, it tries to push and I push back.

Ruinous shadows, malignant monsters, who reach out for me.
The call goes out to my inner white knights, to gather forces, charge in on horses. 

So much pain endured as this fight rages on
Thoughts of survival, good versus evil, then I see a light in the darkness, 

It's an epiphany, that comes to me, a thought inside my mind the light shines warm and kind, it comes along to help me escape this place.

The words describe how I was feeling, probably at my lowest point when I was ill with my Right leg in 2006/2007, just before I had it amputated in September 2007, It's funny how memories stick with you and can create something out of a negative experience.

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Next is a Poem/song about my dream of getting away and that house I always go on about in Scotland.

A Dream of Getting Away

The grass lying here it's all dead right here under my feet / I live in the pure hope that one day  I'll escape.
I let my eyes close shut, and I drift off to sleep sweet surrender it's now felt as reality gently fades.

A seed planted so deep whilst I'm in my sleep tended to with so much love to bloom into life.
Wandering around in my mind filing cabinets store my dreams only opened by me  I have the secret key.

A favourite dream is found it's formed in my mind. Stored safe in this place each day it's where I am happy.
I find myself beside a loch shore it's calming / tranquillity / found there  it's good for my soul.

Washed up on the shore each pebble a dream so many lay there which one to choose.?
Pebbles polished by time carried by ebb and flow picked up and now treasured a gratitude stone.

A tartan land is where I really long to be, the beautiful  Monroe's the lochs and all the trees.
I picture a wee house a place I can call home, no stresses or worries I rest my Weary Soul.

Now I'm inside my house lying there on the couch my hand on the wood floor the house whispers you're home.
A log fire burning giving off a warm glow the flames casting shadows which dance all around.

Now I don't drink  whiskey but here sits a wee dram it came from a local distillery right here in town
A record is spinning an old vinyl relic a forty-five playing knocking out an old tune.

My own piece of heaven  I carry it deep within, will this dream come to pass only time will reveal.
Tomorrow I'll return and play out this same scene in the hope that one day my dreams will all come true.

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This next poem is kind of sad I guess, it relates to being isolated and the feeling that you are all alone. It's just a short one.

It's called 

When You're All Alone

When you're all alone, and the only hand, to hold is your own, feels like no one cares.

Building walls so high what's there real purpose To protect your heart or to save your soul.

Don't want to be part, of the rat race, rather be alone, and do your own thing. 

Just like an old toy, Worn torn and threadbare, maybe lost an eye, or a missing limb.

Lying rejected, in a darkened place, questions in your head, will it be okay.
Always feeling lost, like you don't fit in, trapped inside your mind, why so critical.

Learn to love yourself, value who you are, we're not all the same, you're the only one.

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Next, we have a poem/song I tried to put music to this one and it's called simply 

Ride

Warm golden sun on skin, radiant light reaching deep within.
Where should we go today?  

Then a beautiful place comes to mind.
A tranquil woodland, not far away, it's so magical.

Lost in thought feeling free, searching for flowing lines between the trees.
Tires bite, dust rises up, with one foot down drifting a bend.

With a mind so crystal clear, all stresses fade so far away.
Passing trees, at an epic pace. It feels so good to escape the daily rat race.

Dry fallen leaves scatter the ground, riding through them a susurrus sound
Blue skies way up above flared light through a broken canopy.

A jump, a drop skidding to a stop. The chance to take in this Arcadian scene.
The songs of birds, and their melodies, are carried on the warm soft breeze.

A flowing stream, discovering its path, meandering this way and that.
Nature doesn't need words, it speaks directly to your heart and soul.

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This one is about, well I'll let you make your own mind up?

Beauty Lives In Scars

Beauty lives in scars fading in time memories live on a story of who you are.
Nature of your thoughts find happiness where's it hiding come out let's go play.

In a room that's full of thoughts that creep in invisible lost and lonely, no one knows.
Tilted screens are viewed unconscious minds don't care to find the truth behind what they see.

A life not to plan you're compass is broke you can't find your way darkness drawing in all around.
Sending up a flare high into the sky, hope someone sees hope someone cares about you.

Mountains in your mind, they block your view and fill you with fear but once conquered the view becomes clear
We all have our scars some are on show some are hidden from view some of them run so deep.

Beauty lives in scars.

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This one relates to the 5 stages of grief.

5 Stages

Denial 
                             
Everyone losing yesterday,
all of those Memories of better days.
Time passes by so slowly, waiting for the great unknown. Denying reality,
wishing things were back to how they were. Just turn off the lights, Just lock the doors. Pretending it's not happening there is no one home.


Anger 

It Feels like a really bad storm inside of my mind. I'm So angry all of the time.
Emotions at breaking point, with rage leading the way. A hurricane tearing at my thoughts I have no say.
I can't see through all of this red mist,
so much confusion I feel so lost

Bargaining 

Is there a deal that can be made, 
with either heaven or hell.
Bargains are offered but to what end,
all of my words fall on deaf ears.
Fate conspires at each turn,
an unwritten contract I cannot burn.
Praying for change, all of my dreams  turning to ash


Depression 

Those days that I'm feeling down,
this black dog  Follows me all around.
Sometimes big, sometimes small.
This sombre hound is no friend at all.
The most dangerous human concepts
are hope and faith which are both lost on me.
I suppose something has to be lost,  
before it can be found.              


Acceptance 

Time the great healer or so they say.
Searching for happiness, putting grief away.
Learning to accept the things I can't change.
Searching for answers, finding brighter days.
Learning to be honest / with how I feel.
Looking to the future embracing change
Just like a Phoenix born from ash,
I will rise  I will shine.

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I wrote this one whilst lying on my bed looking at my dream boards LoL

I hadn't thought of a title until I just started writing on my blog, so I will just call it.

My Mind Goes Astray

Lying here my mind goes astray
The world around me just falls away
Lost in pictures that I have pinned in place.
Colliding thoughts I lovingly embrace.

Old pictures with their dog ears
Worn and faded they tell a tale.
A story of where I can touch and feel
A story of where I'm supposed to be.

Three pieces of paper with famous faces,
A Queen that's passed and Alan Turing. 
Superman looks on with words of wisdom, he provides a plan not to become a victim. Find the hero in yourself, just try to do your very best.

A special necklace of sapphire blue 
an old ruler I rescued from a fiend. 
It's now retired seen better days
Pinned to my dream board it now stays.

A cheque made out to pay myself
The Promise of Imagined Wealth.
Paws prints from an old friend
A special reminder above my head.

A Poem to remind me to dream by day
Another to believe dreams can come my way.
A guitar that when played sounds blue.
I must learn to compose a happy tune.

Just a few things that I see each day.Things that have meaning to me in a special way.

Buddha and Buddy Christ sit on my shelf with a thumbs up and a happy smile they have real style.

 

Oh and did I mention the Geese?

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Yes, there are probably lots of spelling and punctuation mark errors, and probably the wrong format for poems, ahh who cares I just enjoy writing, it's good for the old mind.

Like I say, feel free to comment, you know I say that and I can see how many views I get, however, people rarely put a post back. It has me thinking is something broken upon my Blog other than Me Lol.

I maintain the rights to all of my work, so don't go nicking them lol