PHFFFFFFFFFFF !!!

I can't do a sound of exasperation, tried my best in my tittle a Phffffffff !!! or a sigh sound. Here I am again with eyes like a fruit bat and wide awake at stupid o'clock in the morning.

Mmmmm what to do. Turn on the old computer and write some stuff I guess. Of late I have been dabbling writing poetry. It's way more difficult than I thought and I keep catching myself trying to make the bloody thing rhyme, which would probably make it more akin to a Limerick. I'm not even sure if when I read it back my stuff is a poem or just a group of words I've put together based how I'm thinking or feeling at any one time.

Never mind I decided I may as well share my stuff. I don't expect to win any awards or even much praise I just find writing therapeutic and well may be someone else will too.

My first poem I wrote was following my chemotherapy. It's short and just goes on to describe my first session of treatment.



Dark Therapy

A sharp scratch, leading to pierced skin,

Over active sensations as phantom pain kicks in.

Vein located, drugs infused,

Chemical assassin with no remorse.

Poison taken, now to wait,

The frozen veins capitulate.

Eternal cells will know there fate.

Fatigue comes hard, Sleep comes late, 

The next poem I wrote whilst thinking of a quote my good friend Brian Bartlett would end some of his emails with Keep keep Keeping On. It's about continuing on through adversity, whether that's big or small.

Keep keep keeping on

Born it begins, life’s great race, a journey into the unknown.
We lie then sit, crawl then walk and finally learn to run.

Goals are set, targets are met, sometimes we fail to achieve.

Hurdles are jumped, turns are took, the meandering path of life.

Time progress we un-relent and do what our bodies allow.

Life can be hard, life can be tough a spanner in the works.

So the thing that counts in large amounts is that we just,

Keep keep keeping on

And finally here's my latest creation. It's looking at how we are all different and sometimes we come together regardless of our differences, yet at other times people just don't get one another. 

People are like bits of Lego

People are like bits of Lego, they range in colour, shape and size.

Connections are made together, some simple, complex or simply insane.

People are like bits of Lego, who work to a design, they build many structures,

Some are quite successful whilst others fall at predestined junctures to the wayside

Not all people are like bits of Lego, some come in different forms.
Like stickle bricks, or Mechano, or malleable play dough.

It’s maybe why not everyone, is on the same winding path

As we try to stick a Lego bit, onto a stickle brick and cannot appear to work out the task

I’d like to think I was more akin to play dough, as I connect with all the rest.

I’m soft, I’m bright and I’ll reach and take hold and support you where I can.

 

Man I'm starting to understand what it must be like to be poisned ! ... I need your help too?

Today has been the worst so far following my chemotherapy treatment last Thursday and Friday. It's very hard to explain how exactly I feel. It's a bit like having a really bad and I mean the worst imaginable hangover in the world, along with heart burn and the sense that someone has kicked me all over. Add to the fact I can't stop running, (well not quite running in my case) to the toilet every five minutes for a tinkle and then the embarrassment of constantly farting. Well if I'm going to be honest why hold anything back... Parrrrrrrp! there's goes another one!

Something I also forgot to add is tiredness, however not tiredness in the sense of "Oh I'll have a nap". No it's a bone weary tiredness, a better word to describe it is fatigue. At the moment I'm having real problems sleeping and finding I'm going to bed late and rising at stupid O'clock then waiting to go to work.

It's as if you can physically feel the chemical assassin attacking not just the rogue cancer cells but also the healthy good cells. Day by day I have felt just that bit sicker. Of course really I'm quite lucky in the fact that my cancer is a low grade one, so once I've finished up shoring up my natural defences with the help of these treatments I should be able to get back to normal.

As I'm not sleeping it's given me a lot of time to ponder what the hell am I doing. I can't possibly just sit back and let this nauseating wave of negativity engulf me. I have to be or at least feel proactive. So this morning I sent Matt and Bex from Arctic ONE a message with a few ideas on how I can turn this around in my favour. My idea was that I could do some sort of a sponsored something or another and create a bit of awareness around Arctic ONE and also cancer related diseases and the impact it has on people.

As many of you will know I was due to take part in my second Arctic ONE Triathlon this month, but unfortunately just don't feel I can do the swim or run sections. I put to Matt and Bex that I could maybe just do my own challenge on Arctic ONE's behalf and so that is what I intend on doing.

I jested to Matt maybe I could do a sponsored ride seeing how many times I could get around the 5km course of Dorney lake before I puke. Of course if it was based on farting and everyone sponsored me we would be able to fund an entire squad of elite athletes lol.

So anyhoo that's my thoughts and my aim, to do as many laps around Dorney as I can. The Arctic ONE Dorney Tri-Festival is on the 28th and I get my 3rd and 4th session of chemo on the 25th and 26th. I know if I have the support like in the past I will do all the guys at Arctic ONE proud and I may feel like I can redeem a bit of this year.

If you would like to help support me and all my friends at Arctic ONE please visit here

Glenn's Virgin Just Giving Page


And thank you , this is very close to my heart x

Round 2 of treatment, then a very enjoyable bike ride to gather my thoughts...

Today was round 2 or should I say cycle 2 of my treatment. It was to get the second infusion of chemotherapy. Whilst I spent roughly 7 hours in a chair yesterday, today was much quicker as the bendamustine doesn't need to be monitored quite like the antibody drug which can cause certain reactions as lowers your blood pressure.

As I'm going through this treatment I'm learning a little about the respective drugs and what they do. The Chemo drug attacks both healthy and cancerous cells. My immune system will become very weak so I have to take care of myself. Tiredness comes in when red bloods cells are affected and the immune bit comes from the lack of white blood cells. The critical period between treatments is about 10 days in as this is when you are at your lowest, however I may be feeling tired in a few days time.

Before setting of for hospital I had to remember to take my concoction of new medication, what a pain in the arse. Tablets for this and that, but hey if they help me feel better I'm not going to complain...Much lol!

I arrived at UHND chemotherapy clinic just before 11:00am and saw a different nurse today. She was very pleasant just the sort of person you want looking after you. We shared a bit of banter whilst the nurse got all the stuff ready. She then popped off and got a warm bowl of water to soak my hand in, I found this quite relaxing. Then it was time for the unpleasantness to begin, yep the dreaded needle. First attempt was a complete fail "Ouch" I knew as soon as the needle went in that it wasn't in right as it proper stung. I've noticed over the past two days my phantom pain has been horrendous I now think I know why. You know when you see or feel something that makes you cringe, well when it happen to me my phantom pain starts. It's just like a uncontrollable subconscious reaction and it sucks. Ok attempt number 2, much more successful. I was given a quick flush with saline then the bendamustine was pumped in. Bloody hell it was cold having just come out of the fridge. The nurse kindly popped a towel over my arm, but it still felt freezing. Never mind I was only hooked up for a little over 35minutes.

Chemotherapy Treatment Round One...Ding Ding!

 Ooh a couple of days off work, for many of us this is a real treat, for me though I'd much rather be at work and just lead an ordinary hum drum sort of day. I'm never more happy than when I'm the one trying to help other people get better,recover or just try to make their day more bearable. Being a patient sucks and I have had my fair share on the side of the curtain.

When it's my turn to be a patient and I'm not feeling so good I always try to make sure I put the correct head on in the morning and be as friendly, positive and helpful as a patient can be towards the clinical staff and other patients as from personal experience it really does help things go along a lot smoother and more efficiently, hence getting you out that little bit quicker, well hopefully.

That wasn't the case today, No not because I was being stubborn or rude or had indeed incorrectly chosen my grumpy head, yes it does exist, it's way back in the darkest recesses of my wardrobe gathering dust. I don't like that head. Today was long because of the type of drug treatment I was going to be going through.

I arrived at the University Hospital of North Durham (UHND) just before my appointed time of 9:00am and was immediately introduced to the nursing staff and directed to a seat. One of the nurses  came over and checked all my details and got straight on preparing all the required gear to get me up and running. A needle was placed in the back of my left hand. Now I have had many needles popped in over the years, however the experience never gets any easier for me. I still always feel nervous,clammy and queasy. The nurse was very attentive and caring frequently asking "are you ok". I'd like to say maybe I'm really scared of needles because of a few incidents where I can recall things didn't go well. Over the years there have been a few dodgy incidents one being when I visited the old South Moor community hospital which is now no more. Having being demolished and the ground left unattended for a good few number of years. I hear more new houses will be built on the sight. This to me is a real shame as in my opinion a modern community hospital or a similar rest-bite and or hospice should have replaced the old hospital which had a really good reputation and stunning grounds. Instead no doubt there will be town houses built in a deprived area where people struggle to find work. Anyhoo getting back to the needle incident a nurse at the old South Moor Hospital I think completely missed my vein or went through it. I got like a dead arm and I'm sure she drained more than the required alotted amount, the pain was horrendous. A few days later my whole arm was tingly and went black and blue.

My next bad experience was when I was in theatre awaiting the anaesthetist. You can kind of tell things aren't going to go well when the anaesthetist enters the room, glasses on and all chirpy, introduces himself then proceeds to walk into the over head projector surgery light with a reverberating "Doinggg!" after hitting his head. I really did panic when he then went to put the needle in my hand and I heard those not so encouraging words of "Oops". The words "Oops" and clinical staff never go well together, especially when sharp instruments are involved.
Really it's just a case I'm a natural born pussy and have always been fearful. From an early age if I knew there was some sort of vaccination going on at school I would think of a way of getting the day off.

Now my technique for needle fear is look away and think of something like a shopping list, obviously not a boring food shopping list, no a bike porn shopping list. See it worked "sharp scratch" the nurse says and it's in and taped down. A quick flush with some saline and then the nurse is on taking my blood pressure.

The antibody drug Ritixumab is then placed upon my drip stand,attached and fed in ever so slowly. This drug can cause an allergic reaction and lower a patients blood pressure so has to be infused very slowly. The bendamustine which is the chemo drug can go through a lot quicker.

As I sat in the recliner chair the chemo department started to fill up. And after a while I struck up a conversation with a very nice gentleman and shortly after a lovely couple. We discussed a wide variety of topics which as you can imagine included what types of cancer we had all presented with. I have to say I was amazed at how up beat and open everyone was. The young lady of the couple asked some very interesting questions as I did of her. I like people who are like this, they quite often say "I hope you don't think I'm being rude". I don't think it's being rude to take an interest in someone it's just being inquisitive and this is how we learn and grow. I discovered the young couple just live up the road from me in my good friends Lee and Michelle's estate so I fully intend to take them up on their offer and call in and see them at some point. I would love to introduce them to Lee and Michelle as they are genuine friendly salt of the earth people and what with Michelle kicking cancer's ass in her brave fight last year well it gives us all common ground. People don't realise that cancer doesn't just effect the person who has it, it effects whole families and close friends too. For me speaking as someone caring for my mam when she had terminal pancreatic cancer I can't describe the emotional roller coaster and the feelings of guilt and anger I went through. Of course I was also very proud when I heard my dad tell people of how  proud he was of how I cared for my mam in her final weeks. When we lost my mam it was a huge devastaing loss, however I took something positive from her passing and I use it almost everyday in my current job. Compassion and care and looking at how I can do the best for people. I know my mam would approve of this and be so very proud to see that although I was never going to be a high flyer I am happy in what I do and how I try to make a difference.

Today was one long session, 7 hours sat in a reclined chair does your back no good at all. As I'm sat here typing this up I can honestly say that the worst thing about today is my back, it's aching like hell tonight. So No not the sickness so far it's early days but I have none. Yes I'm tired, but hey that may be that I have been feeling tired for months now anyhoo. I did have a bit of a headache when I left the treatment and also felt a tad light headed, a good long doze cured that when I got in after having something to eat.

I now have lots of other meds to take at home. Steroids, ant- sickness meds and more anti-sickness meds in case the first ones don't work. Oh and the ones I'm going to hate taking which are anti-biotics. I will be on these the length of my treatment 6 months, then have to take a further 6 month course.

Tomorrow is round 2 at 11am, it shouldn't take as long as it's just the chemo treatment. Then I'm off for a month before round 3 and 4 start.

I have been given advice on do's and don'ts. Things like not mixing with people with infections and being more careful should I go out mountain biking. I have a habit of getting scrapes and scratches so ill have to be aware of these and try and watch what I'm doing. I caught my leg on a wire fence pole when out with John last week and got a big scrape. Any other time it would be considered innocuous, I will now have to think just that little bit more and take a tad more care.

I will write more for hose of you who are interested, trying to keep it light, but real.

I will end with my  Virgin Just Giving Page. I'm not asking for donations for myself but my chosen charity Arctic ONE who have been of immense support to me. Arctic ONE helped fund raise to get me a running prosthesis and obviously I'm gutted I can't take part in this years Arctic ONE Tri- festival at Dorney Lake. I know this has been out of my control, never the less I still feel a sense of failure and guilt at letting everyone down. That includes my friend Brian Bartlett who always writes such inspiring mails to me. Pace Rehab for their tireless  work, Bike Swanky who sponsor me on my PYGA and of course Arctic ONE. I have had great words of encouragement from all these people and I guess that support epitomises what these people represent. Of course what they get from me is they know I will never quit and I write a lot...I mean a lot. It only takes one person to say something that then sparks an interest in someone else and before you know it people are sharing info and ideas and looking at positive ways to help support or change things for the better. Well that's what I hope happens when I write, you guys are the judge of that.

A huge thank you to everyone you, help to make me who I am and life's battles appear easy with friends at your side.