Does anyone really read this anyways

I haven't been blogging as much lately I mean I have still been doing stuff, just it doesn't feel important or interesting enough to really write about and lets face it who wants to read about negative stuff, because that's the way I have been feeling. Rides out haven't been so much about fun, but pushing myself way to far, because I feel weak and it's a kind of way of saying screw you to whatever bad is going on at the moment.

I really need to get out of this sort of self destruct phase, as although no time is good to be feeling like this, well it's even worse now that these stupid white blood cells are at zero and I need to be thinking and acting positively. Everyone always comments on how positive I am and in a way this just puts additional pressure on as I'm going through a hard time at the moment and just feel pretty alone.

And that's the negative stuff out the way no need to call the Samaritans just yet lol. I really need to practice what my headline says upon my blog page, just in a difficult place at the moment. Sure normal service will be resumed quite soon.

So dark in the woods had to have the flash on

Plans for this week, none. I just wake up and see what happens, so what happened this morning. My friend John messaged me asking how I was and did I fancy doing anything. We discussed either going for a ride in Tango, but couldn't think of anywhere, or an adventure out on the bikes. Bikes it was. John always leaves the route finding to me I don't know why as I always get us lost. Sometimes getting lost is half the fun though and today was no different. We discovered yet more new single track and had to ride up a long winding bank, great more punishment lol.

Taking a break

At Lamsley on a rock

John

I tried to pop my cheerful head on for John this morning, not sure I pulled it off. I have a really dark sense of humour, something John has now become accustomed to, so we quite often have a good laugh as my pessimism can actually be quite funny.

   

I think it's raining

Today's ride was a very wet one, we hardly saw anyone out, but I really enjoyed it. I love the rain, the pitter patter as you ride through the woods as the drops hit and fall from the leaves. The suck of your tyres as you go through mud and of course once you are wet, well it doesn't make a difference if you then ride through puddles and have a bit of a splash.

A couple of selfies on to of the Causey Arch, didn't discover any 'Cocks' today

Just me soaked through

I wasn't expecting it to lash down like it did, so today's ride probably wasn't the best idea. I'm in trouble if I catch a cold or bug.

Bright Light!

And that's about all I have to say for now lol

I'm at almost zero

So cycle 5 is due on Thursday 1st  and Friday 2nd October, or rather it was. Just been for blood tests and the nurse came back with an 'Oh doesn't look like you will be having your treatment this week'. She then went on to grab another two nurses who came along to see me and all 3 of them appeared really concerned, one in fact not even wanting to breath on me lol. I was then lectured on if you have the slightest cough,cold,chill or fever you must ring up and inform us.

'How are you feeling?' they asked to which I replied 'Err a little tired and down'. I had thought I was coming down with a cold early last week, but it's nowt really a few sniffles and I have had a sore throat for ages now, it's no big deal.

Today my white blood count was practically at zero, reading 0.14, this means my immunity is pretty shocking. One of the nurses commented on how weird it was that I looked so well. Anyhoo the results from today means more time off work and I have to be really careful. So I guess when I go out for bike rides I will just have to pull up my Arctic ONE Buff and this should hopefully stop peoples Cooties from infecting me.

My daughter Kayleigh has been on the phone texting me. I have told her not to worry, this is just another challenge. The reply I got was ever so sweet and it shows how much she loves me.She said in a txt 'It's hard no to worry :( literally hate how everything shit happens to you! You don't deserve it :( xxx  I don't really believe in luck or misfortune, shit happens to good people all the time and I see people worse off than me almost every day of the week, so it makes me feel lucky for the things I do have in my life. Yeah I go through phases where I feel everything is against me and when this happens I tend to go into hiding to regroup which can scare some people as they must think I'll never return.

At the moment my worst fear is having to take more time off work. Not only do I feel I am letting my work colleagues down, as well as my patients, but being off means I have way too much time to think and analyse what exactly I am doing on this planet. Feeling slightly lost.com

Support of your friends when you are feeling a bit down

This week has been a difficult one, what with going back to work and not exactly feeling 100%. I have felt in a low mood and add to the fact I'm a bit stressed over my forth coming treatment well it hasn't been an exactly great week. I hate it when I'm off work as I have far too much time to think and over think, then think some more and I end up becoming really tired and everything gets too much. The one thing that anyone who knows me knows is that I am very honest and I guess that goes for my blogging too. No good pretending everything is hunky dory when it's not. Sometimes things just don't work out the way you plan or stuff happens and it leaves you, well I can't even think of a word, maybe 'Lost' is as good as any.

Anyhoo after all the shit I have been through over the years I have discovered I am pretty resilient I just retreat behind my defences, learn from my experiences and try not to bring everyone else down around me. My unhappiness I pop in a little locker within my head and try not to visit it. I have always been the same I find it incredibly difficult to give myself a break yet, I'm great at shining a little light on others. My friends John and Ade have been very supportive this last week I'm not great at taking advice and tend to switch off. I have been told off by Ade as he knows I can so easily slip into hibernation mode and no one will see me for months on end.

I won on the Euro Millions this Friday and was already preparing in my head to move to Alaska, live in a cabin and become a recluse, unfortunately I don't think I can manage it on £2.90, ah well there is always next week.

My mates John and Lee were messaging me all Friday, arranging to head out on the bikes. Truth be known I just didn't feel like it. I had kind of lost my MoJo and have just been taking to my bed when I have come in from work, hiding under the quilt. I like sleeping when I can as it doesn't mean I am thinking. Anyhoo John mentioned I had to go out as a friend we had met on Facebook and who runs a group called simply 'Bike' wanted to head out with us and was eager to meet both John, Lee and myself. Not being big headed but David really wanted to meet me as he sees me as an inspiration. Again not blowing my own trumpet I get this a lot and I can't for the life of me understand why. I'm just a very ordinary guy, who makes the most of what I have got and can do. I often feel guilty as I think I have to live up to this idea of what people think I am and obviously I can't so it's a bit of a fail on my part. Again just how I perceive myself I guess, pretty sad really. On a positive I do try to be the best I possibly can and I am very warm and friendly and people do take to me pretty quickly. I am now very good at wearing this veil and hiding my true feelings and try to be bubbly and bright even when I am feeling crap, well it's not very nice bringing people down as they have their own problems and quite often as not they are ten times worse than mine.

So I decided to hook up with John and Lee and we arranged to meet David down at Rowlands Gill outside Maguire's Fish Shop the following day, Saturday at 9:00 am. I awoke pretty early and got all sorted, retrieving my Pyga from the shed. Si my bike mechanic had returned my bike all serviced and everything in good working order. I hopped on my bike and headed over the Font to retrieve some funds out of the cash machine, then decided what the hell I may as well ride up Durham Road Bank and go and meet John. Just as I got to the top there he was coming down. He greeted me with an 'Alreet mate how ye dee'in', to which he got a slightly subdued 'ahh am ok'. We then headed down the bank to call on Lee. A quick chat with Michelle, Lee's wife and we were off. Across to the farmers trail and up, the start of another adventure for the 3 Amigo's.

It didn't take us all that long to get to Rowlands Gill and we only had to wait 5 minutes or so before David turned up. It was then hand shakes all round and brief introductions oh and I grabbed a photo of us all. David saying 'aww man a hate me photo taken', tough mate when you are with me you got to have your pic taken it's how I recall memories.
 

David,John,Me and Lee

From the chippy we headed down the road and were soon on the Derwent Walk and heading up to Blackhill and Consett. It was nice taking it in turns to ride with one another and share a bit of banter. I rode much quicker and even though I was knackered today felt I did ok, it's probably because I wasn't on my Fattie which drags like hell. It was great hearing a little about David and just having a bit of fun with friends old and new. My mates mean everything to me as they are so supportive and even when I am feeling down put up with me and offer words of wisdom and encouragement. I really tried to be upbeat today as it was my first time meeting David and obviously I don't want him thinking I'm  a miserable twat.

 

Photo by John -Lee, Glenn & David

Soon we were at Blackhill, it was only like 10:10 or something so I suggested we head on up to MacDonald's for a cuppa and we could have a chat outside. Everyone was up for this so we set off again. Following on from MacDonald's we headed over to the sculptures as David wanted to grab some pictures and this is where we said our farewells. John, Lee and myself headed down towards Lanchester Way,saying what a canny lad David was. We will definitely arrange another ride out soon and David would like to meet wor Baxter and get a few photo's of him.

Just as we got down to the big red tug before the Hownsgill Viaduct I spotted a couple of lads at the side of the trail. One of them was on a  very nice Trek Farley Fat Bike, so I had to stop and say hello as you do. As I spoke to this very friendly gentleman John said 'Oh hey we have met affor man'. It turns out we had spoke to Ian once before at the Toon. he was on his other Fat bike at the time lol small world. Ian introduced us to his friend Steve and we shared a canny bit craic. Ian and Steve asking where the tea rooms where at the Gill. We showed them the way and then said goodbye, two really canny blokes, if you see this lads hope you got back safe and sound and it was great seeing you again Ian.

Steve and Ian

It didn't take us long to get down to Hurbuck Cottages and from there we joined the road  and headed along to the turn off for Stoney Heap. Here there was a canny climb, Lee was off in his typical Wiggins style, whilst John and I huffed, puffed and whined all the way up. John describing his ass as being off the Richter scale. As we rode up the bank I was his inspirational and motivational coach, saying 'you can't get off, just keep going m8, get to the next post'. A quick breather at the top and then we were off again. It didn't take long to get to Stanley a quick dodge down the Front Street past all the waifs and strays and before long Lee and I were saying bye to John. Lee and I then whizzed down the back streets of Durham Road, Lee actually slowing down for the junction this time as last time he almost went arse over tit as a car approached the road. I was shouting 'Watch oot for the road like'.

Got home and Ern was in the shed fixing kids bikes lol, his normal daily routine really.

A quick shower and it was almost time to head back up for John along with my dad and Essi my friend who has been visiting a few days. We were all going to have a ride through to the Mercedes dealership so that I could pick Tango my Smart Car up. Tango's been in to get a few bits and bobs done under a recall after the alternator belt snapped and disintegrated. A little chat to the service guy and one of the car salesman and John and I jumped in Tango. I've been getting a new radio and dear me it took me ages to connect my phone so I could play a few tunes on the way home. Soon on our way though.

I think John was impressed with the performance of my little car as it can whizz along considering it's only a 1 litre. It's such a fun little car to drive. When I got home I had a bit fanny around with the radio and think I have it sussed. I even popped a movie on a memory stick and was well impressed it plays.
 
Various stuff going on that has given me a different perspective on everything, not sure whether it's good or bad, maybe it requires more analysing, something I am very good at. I hate it when I can't fix things, me included.
 
A huge thanks to all my friends for your on going support and trying to cheer me up...Sorry this isn't as positive a post as usual, a lot going on and struggling for answers.

The End!



Oh Ps David has promised me some of his photo's as I just wasn't in the mood today.

A lovely afternoon out, over at Wylam.

Friday evening and my usual venture up to my good friends Ade and Amanda's. It has become a part of my weekly schedule to go up on a Friday evening and there we have a catch up talking about the weeks events and Amanda makes me several cups of tea and plies me with various cakes, biscuits, bags of crisps and even on occasion ice cream lollies.

Anyhoo on Friday I mentioned to Ade I would really like to try and get some decent photo's of Hagg Bank Bridge as Rachael had mentioned she liked the bridge as it used to be on her daily commute on her way into work each day when she was on the train. So I arranged with Ade that we would have a drive over that way the following day.

After having a bit of a nightmare getting my new car, "Tango" taxed because of this cherished plate transfer. I was over the moon to have been able to sort it all out on Friday morning. So my little Smart car was all road legal and I was looking forward to a blast out in her. The little Smart is so much fun to drive and quite pokey around town, in fact it surprises quite a few drivers just how quick it is. Quite a few people have a habit of pulling out on me as they think "Oh it's only a Smart Car".
 

Tango

Continuing to get out

It's all just about getting out, it doesn't really matter where. I'm happy as long as I can try to retain some semblance of fitness and not just sit in the house feeling utterly fed up and bored. I have had way too much of that in the past and whenever illness creeps up I panic.

I'm going to keep this a short blog as I think people get fed up with just reading about me going out on my bike and writing about it all the time. I mean I do always try to put a bit of something in my writing, whether it's humour, a little history now and again or just how I'm dealing with stuff and others may take something from that...I don't know. Writing these blogs is therapeutic for me and it also gives me something to look back on. Sure some of the memories aren't fond ones, but the majority are. Sometimes we have to go through the bad times to truly appreciate just what
a good time we are having.

Beautiful skies

Moo cows in the lush field

Down the Trail

Today's ride out was a 20 miler with my friend John. John and I are regular riding partners and although we haven't been out as much this year I know all I have to do is give John a shout and he is there to go for a ride and brighten up my day. We chat about anything and everything, mainly me doing the talking as well I'm good at it.


It was a cracking day for a ride. I don't know where John got his weather forecast from the night before but it was most definitely not raining and windy.

Rather than explain exactly where we went I will just say it was a local loop taking in the Lanchester Valley route and back home. We stopped along the Lanchester Valley Route to eat the berries I had brought along. Raspberries,black berries and blue berries. By the time I was finished with the blue berries my hand were all stained. I am trying to maintain eating lots of berries in the hope my bloods remain high, unlike a few weeks ago.

Lovely Berries

As we started back along the trail I informed John I was really socket sore. At the moment I have a really tender area where I weight bare on my sockets and wow is it hurting. So a little further down the trail I stopped and retrieved a Mepilex border which is a kind of plaster out of my bag. I then found a hidden spot between some bushes and proceeded to drop me draws and stick this plaster on my ass. They don't take away all the pain, but do give a little relief from the constant chaffing when I'm riding. The soreness and pain is one of the biggest limiting factors to my distance riding, well that and I am knackered from the chemo at the minute.

 

Berry stained fingers

As we came off the Lanchester Valley we headed up to Consett and got a coffee and a chocolate doughnut each from MacDonald's and sat out side and had a chat over them. We then headed back. When we came to near the Transformers sculptures I bumped into one of my old school friends dad. Dennis and his friend Doug are always out walking. I spent a good 20 minutes asking after him and Steven and the rest of his family and also about some of the places we have ridden and visited locally. Dennis likes history and walking so it was nice to share some of the trails we have been on. John and I then said our farewells and we continued on our way.

   

Lots of pretty flowers this time of year

As we got to the Ox Inn I called in. I am after some glasses you see. I want to get them for Rachael as she likes the design and the drink called Old Moot. It's a cider made in New Zealand I believe. My daughter Kayleigh had said the Ox may have some so I thought I would just go in and ask if they had any spare I could buy. The lasses behind the bar were very friendly, telling me they thought they had a few but the bar manager wasn't in and it would be up to her if they could sell the glasses. I just left my name and number on a piece of paper however haven't had a call as yet. Hey if you happen to have any old Moot glasses you don't want you know where to send them lol.

As I came out of the Ox I bumped into another cracking lad I know. So Steven and I shared a canny bit banter outside, me telling him about my new pup Baxter and Steven saying I would have to call along his sometime to show him Baxter. Again said our goodbye's and John and I continued down to Stanley and through the Front Street, then under the subway  and down Wear Road to  where John lives. "catch you later mate" I said  as I rode off down towards Durham Road and home. I even managed to get in our back yard without falling off, bonus.

   

The old Fat Bike is in need of some tlc

Whipped my BTK limb off and popped my everyday one on and then washed my little Smart car and gave her half a polish. Yeah I only polished the bonnet, roof, wings and the drivers side door. I was then knackered. I used Maguire's 3 stage stuff so had to go over each panel 3 times. Stage 1 a paint bringer backer upper'rer . Stage 2 a polish and stage 3 some canuba  wax. Tango now looks half shiny.

I'm a bit pissed off at moment car wise as I cannot use my little car. The car came with a private plate and I don't have the log book slip so cannot tax her. The previous owner wants this private plate back so I am not sure what the cars new registration will be. It's a right pain in the arse and very frustrating as I want to go out for a spin lol

What do you do to relieve stress?

So the other night I was feeling slightly stressed.  I had intended on heading out for a ride all day, but just never got around to it, busy sorting this daft bedroom out. When I did decide to finally go out I couldn't find my under shorts and then when I finally did find them I couldn't find my rear light. This just compounded my frustration and led to more feelings of "Aghhhhhh" I can't explain so that kind of sums it up.

Eventually I found all my gear but was so demotivated I decided to put it all away safely and just lie around feeling decidedly unhappy with myself "Pffffff".

This chemo has had some weird effects on me. I get really emotional and with being off work me being me I feel lazy. I'm not as active as I was and this gives me way too much time to over think every single situation and detail and generally get it totally wrong, creating more problems and complexities within my lets face it pretty simple life. Oh and did I mention my eye sight is horrendous now. I spoke to a MacMillan nurse and she informed me it may be due to the treatment. Driving on a night is the worst, as car lights feel like laser beams, they are just so bright. I quite often have to squint.

Looking out over Stanley at all the lights

The 3 Amigos ride again

It's been sometime since the 3 Amigo's have ridden together. I haven't seen Lee in months, what with not getting out and riding as much and then of course we all have our various jobs and different lifestyles and things to be doing. John on the other hand I see quite a bit of, well when I have been feeling well.

Anyhoo today was to be a special day and a chance for us all to have a catch up. Lee and John had done most of the arranging via Facebook and I just said "yeah I'll come along". The weather was supposed to be nice and we decided a route which would take us to Parkhead Cafe. It's round about a 37 mile there and back and the stop at the cafe halfway is always a welcome treat.
John arrived at my house for about 7:45 am and in typical fashion I was late. I always and i mean always lose something. This morning I couldn't find my Endura shorts and Arctic ONE Buff. Ern has been on sorting my inner wardrobes shelving in my room and everything is disorganised so my Ocd type layout of clothing which goes something like long sleeved shirts in colour order, short sleeved shirts with collars, T Shirts, Jeans, then casual shorts and then mountain bike gear colour organised was in total disarray. At the moment I have mountain bike gear with long sleeved dress shirts and shorts with other shorts that aren't mountain bike ones...Ok I'm going to stop writing about that as it's stressing me lol. You get the idea chaos in my room.

Eventually I discovered my Endura shorts hiding on the bottom rail and my Buff was where I had last put it in my Camelbak. Job sorted. I got my Fat Bike out and John and I headed over for Lee. Lee was almost ready and we were soon on the roll, heading over to the Font so that lee could grab a few quid out of the Post Office Speedbank.

We rode up past the entrance to South Moor Golf course and past the new housing estate, going up towards South Moor. A quick ride up Popular Street and we were soon at the bottom of the Black Path and heading up it to the top and Langley View. Soon we were over the road and up to the Morrison and his is where we got on the C2C. From there it's straight up to Parkhead, taking in Leadgate and Consett, before coming to Waskerley.
 

The 3 Amigos

Tango!

Me n Tango!

Upon visiting Ade and Amanda on Tuesday afternoon, talk came around to cars and my lack of one. I haven't had a car now since I sold my MINI  COOPER S way back in ooh I think it was 2007, a good few months before I had my leg amputated. Part of the cash I got for my car I gave to my dad to put towards our little Honda Jazz and the rest well I bought a rather expensive mountain bike.

Love at first sight

Anyhoo I was chatting way to Amanda and she asked me what did I fancy car wise. I have always fncied a "Smart Car" and had even done lots of research into getting one and then having it modified with a Hyabusa motor. The problem I always encountered was how to make the car semi automatic as I struggle with a clutch.

 Amanda happened to look upon Auto-trader asking me "what colour are you after", "Oh an Orange one I jested". After a few moments Amanda said "Hey there is one here in Orange". So I had a look and thought "wow that looks cool and it's not badly priced". Amanda sent me the link and I didn't really think anything more about it until the following day whilst out shopping with Ern.

"I'm just going to ring that garage and see if the car is still there" I said. I spoke to a lovely lad named Dean and pretty much decided then and there, you know what I'm going down to have a look at this car this afternoon.

Tango!

So that's what I did. I rang Ade asked him did he fancy a look down with Ern and I and we drove to Bradford. The garage was right next to Bradford Football ground and the Smart was in the forecourt, gleaming away. Dean invited me to check the car out, which I did and then it was job done. Make payment, sort out insurance then we had a drive home.

I'm very pleasantly surprised by this small shoebox on wheels. It is quite pokey for a 1.0 litre. I'm not sure I like the auto box as it is slow to change, however I have heard a remap can help with this. The interior is funky and has loads of room and I can get in and out with ease. It's also great on petrol and very comfy and fun to drive. The engine sound canny for a little car and the whole car feels like driving a go cart.

Rachael has decided to name my car Tango, it seems to fit as it is quite a bright orange colour.

Enjoyable jaunt out, but I can feel cells dying!

Had a really enjoyable ride out with John this morning. It was only a 15 mile local loop, taking in the Turbines on the Lonely road and more disgusting asshole fly tippers then down into Chapman's Wells. Then from there a ride back out and down to Holmeside , through the tail end of Craghead and down to Grange Villa. This is where we bumped into a very nice gentleman named Trevor and shared a good bit friendly banter.

Fly Tippers

Nice Filter on here

  Trevor asked about my prosthetic leg and informed both John and I he used to love to mountain bike, but unfortunately due to illness could no longer get out a s much. It was lovely talking to Trevor as I shared a certain empathy with him. Things like how at times you have felt like giving up, the "why me syndrome" and what the hell am I going to do now. Before giving yourself a good talking to and saying "you know what life isn't quite over just yet". Anyhoo long story short I told Trevor about my Blog and invited him to catch up with me on Facebook. We then discussed having a meet up at the Shepard and Shepherdess for a pint or tow. I love meeting new people and hopefully brightening up their day with a friendly "hallo". Life is so unexpected and you just have to go with the flow and grab all the opportunities you can.

  

Wheeeee!

Got to have a bit play

Even John joined in

 After saying shaking Trevor's hand and saying "bye", John and I headed up through Newfield, John getting the inevitable dog turd on his front tire. Well it wouldn't be a ride out with John if he didn't get some poo on his bike. It was then eventually across to High Handenhold where we got on the C2C and the route home. As we rode up the line I recognised my old boss from when I worked at Royal Mail. Melvin was a great manager and a gentleman I hold in very high regard. It was great to have a brief catch up.


Off the C2C and up Barn Hill, around by the indoor market and we were soon on to Stanley Front Street. I left John at his house saying "ta ta" and rushed down home to grab a shower. I was going to head out with my other friends Ade and Amanda and their middle son Jordan. I love hanging with all the Hair family as they are so warm and friendly. Ade and Amanda had invited me the day before to come along to the Hilltop and I "thought why not".


The Hilltop at East Stanley has all just been done out and made into a like proper prime beef type restaurant, that sells absolutely delicious steaks as well as fish and chips and other tempting things on their menu. I opted for a 12oz Rib Eyed Steak and wow was it beautiful, cooked to perfection, in my case medium rare. It was very reasonably priced to at £10.49. After the meal I was thinking I could possibly have polished off the 16oz, but not sure about the 32oz lol.

Mmmmmmm!

All in all a canny day like. Starting to feel the effects of the chemo again today. It's a strange feeling like yo can feel certain bits dying. I'm so tired right now. Quite a few people have commented I am maybe overdoing it, but I don't think so. I am feeling rather guilty being off work, so will see how I feel next week and hopefully make a return. Only 2 more cycles then I'm done with the chemo. I still have to go back and forth for antibody treatment of course for the next year and a half, but that is only once per month.

Ok will leave it there...