Bad Boy Baxter

So my dad comes up into my bedroom and says ' Errr did you leave the downstairs toilet door open'. (that's where we have our shoe rack and my cycling jackets hung behind the door) 'No I don't think so' I replied 'Why'. Too which Ern said 'Well wor Baxter has been in and ate my slippers', ah well that's not so bad I thought. Then my dad said 'He has also ate part of one of your new road bike shoes', 'awwww crap that's bad' I thought. On further investigation yep Baxter has decided to chew off the ratchet strap and part of the ratchet on my new Spiuk roadie shoe.

Bad Boy Baxter

I went to his crate where he was lying, looking up with a slightly 'It wasn't me' look upon his cute little face. 'Bad dog' I said as I showed him my shoe.

These stink Anyhooo

Ern is now on sorting the downstairs toilet door making it Baxter proof. You see it did have a roller ball catch. Ern is now putting on a proper catch so that Baxter can't just nudge the door and get in. I can't be mad with him as he really is a lovely little fella. I guess if you aren't giving him 100% attention he gets bored and goes looking for trouble. Baxter loves attention, he is one of the friendliest and loveable bullys and such a character.
 

Huh it wasn't me Honest!

A very enjoyable adventure to Holy Island

Following my visit to see my friends Ade and his wife Amanda yesterday and being at a slightly loose end as I am off work, (supposed to be taking it easy) I suggested to Ade 'why don't we go somewhere tomorrow. I am useless trying to think of new places to go so asked Ade did he have any thoughts. 'oh I wouldn't mind a look to Holy Island, sometime', he said thinking that we could maybe do that sometime in the future. Ade really wanted to head up that way and get some shots of the Puffins that frequent the Island. So I suggested 'hey why don't we just go tomorrow'. I mean we both didn't have any other plans and now I have my little car, it meant I wasn't leaving Ern vehicle-less. 

Looking over to Lindisfane

Amanda checked the tidal times that evening and I arranged to come up for Ade at around 6am the following morning. I then headed home and ended up having a late night, so come 5:30 am when my alarm went off I had only had just over two hours sleep. Strangely enough I awoke feeling quite good, my niggley cough which I have had the last few weeks didn't seem as bad and I felt like I had a little more energy. I got up, washed and dressed, grabbed my gear and set off for Ade, no breakfast this morning I just didn't have time.
Arriving at Ade and Amanda's, Amanda had made me a lovely cup of tea and I only had to wait a little while, whilst Ade got his camera gear and other bits and bobs sorted, then we were off.

I'm getting to grips with the new head unit I have put into Tango. It's a canny bit of kit for the money. I bought the unit off Amazon after looking for head units with a Sat Nav function. The Unit is a Pumpkin 6.95" Android 4.4 Universal In Dash HD Touch screen Car DvD player with GPS Navigation, stereo Am and FM radio support, as well as offering SD/USB ,Bluetooth/3G/Wifi/OBD2/ 1080P

Nice features and seems to work well

A little play around with the Sat Nav and we soon had a route to follow. The unit comes with iGo maps installed on a micro SD card and once you get used to the format of how to input stuff the Sat Nav works extremely well. As I recall I think the Sat Nav said we had around 70 odd miles to get to Holy Island. 

Time to think positive

The last few months have been difficult due to all this treatment, however even more so as my white blood count has been so low. Last month I was at around 0.72 and this month it had dropped to 0.14. On today's visit to Shotley Bridge and the chemo day unit my WBC (white blood count) had only marginally risen to 0.52. Ideally I need it to be at at least 1.5 so I can have treatment, this means I have a way to go.

At the moment I have a slight cold and this could be effecting how quickly my WBC comes up. I'm going to have to be a little cautious I guess as I really don't want to be spending time in some hospital ward.
 
After calling one of the G.P's at my local surgery I felt a bit better in my thinking as the doctor agreed I really should be off work and she had no qualms about issuing me a sick note. In my head i tend to think of this whole situation as no big deal and just wish I could get the bloody thing over and done with and get back to whatever 'normal' is for someone like me.

I've spent the last few weeks feeling rather down what with one thing and another I go through periods like this and always learn from them. Sometimes I need down time to allow me to reflect and appreciate 'hey you know what I can't always fix everything and it's not always my fault'. Sometimes things just follow a course or path that makes us sad or unhappy, but hey that is just life and no matter what we try to do fate or destiny or whatever you want to call it just keeps on coursing ahead.

I guess it's now time to regroup and think positive and get things in to  perspective and just do what I do best, dust myself off say 'Fuck it' and aim to be the best person I can be for myself and others.

As many of you will know I have a habit of writing from the heart and I think that is why so many people like my writing style. As I was out riding my bike the other day and was totally knackered, a song came on my mp3 player and  the lyrics certainly touched a chord with me as that was the way I was feeling at the time, they went as follows 'Wheeling through an endless fog', how the hell I managed to then get up that geet big hill amazed me, as I was feeling pretty depressed. It's funny how music can have such an impact on you and boy at times the fog is so thick.

Today however I feel a bit different, not sure why I mean things aren't exactly great, but I just know that the fog will never remain endless. Even when we feel life isn't exactly treating us kindly, change is occurring every second of every day, sure we can feel sorry for ourselves and try to slow it down, but it is inevitable, so why not go with the flow and move forward instead or trying to remain static. I think my biggest achievement is possibly in trying to give other people hope. Especially when they hear 'yeah I get down', I'm quite proud I can also get back up and learn from my experiences each time.

Just some thoughts from today :)

Does anyone really read this anyways

I haven't been blogging as much lately I mean I have still been doing stuff, just it doesn't feel important or interesting enough to really write about and lets face it who wants to read about negative stuff, because that's the way I have been feeling. Rides out haven't been so much about fun, but pushing myself way to far, because I feel weak and it's a kind of way of saying screw you to whatever bad is going on at the moment.

I really need to get out of this sort of self destruct phase, as although no time is good to be feeling like this, well it's even worse now that these stupid white blood cells are at zero and I need to be thinking and acting positively. Everyone always comments on how positive I am and in a way this just puts additional pressure on as I'm going through a hard time at the moment and just feel pretty alone.

And that's the negative stuff out the way no need to call the Samaritans just yet lol. I really need to practice what my headline says upon my blog page, just in a difficult place at the moment. Sure normal service will be resumed quite soon.

So dark in the woods had to have the flash on

Plans for this week, none. I just wake up and see what happens, so what happened this morning. My friend John messaged me asking how I was and did I fancy doing anything. We discussed either going for a ride in Tango, but couldn't think of anywhere, or an adventure out on the bikes. Bikes it was. John always leaves the route finding to me I don't know why as I always get us lost. Sometimes getting lost is half the fun though and today was no different. We discovered yet more new single track and had to ride up a long winding bank, great more punishment lol.

Taking a break

At Lamsley on a rock

John

I tried to pop my cheerful head on for John this morning, not sure I pulled it off. I have a really dark sense of humour, something John has now become accustomed to, so we quite often have a good laugh as my pessimism can actually be quite funny.

   

I think it's raining

Today's ride was a very wet one, we hardly saw anyone out, but I really enjoyed it. I love the rain, the pitter patter as you ride through the woods as the drops hit and fall from the leaves. The suck of your tyres as you go through mud and of course once you are wet, well it doesn't make a difference if you then ride through puddles and have a bit of a splash.

A couple of selfies on to of the Causey Arch, didn't discover any 'Cocks' today

Just me soaked through

I wasn't expecting it to lash down like it did, so today's ride probably wasn't the best idea. I'm in trouble if I catch a cold or bug.

Bright Light!

And that's about all I have to say for now lol

I'm at almost zero

So cycle 5 is due on Thursday 1st  and Friday 2nd October, or rather it was. Just been for blood tests and the nurse came back with an 'Oh doesn't look like you will be having your treatment this week'. She then went on to grab another two nurses who came along to see me and all 3 of them appeared really concerned, one in fact not even wanting to breath on me lol. I was then lectured on if you have the slightest cough,cold,chill or fever you must ring up and inform us.

'How are you feeling?' they asked to which I replied 'Err a little tired and down'. I had thought I was coming down with a cold early last week, but it's nowt really a few sniffles and I have had a sore throat for ages now, it's no big deal.

Today my white blood count was practically at zero, reading 0.14, this means my immunity is pretty shocking. One of the nurses commented on how weird it was that I looked so well. Anyhoo the results from today means more time off work and I have to be really careful. So I guess when I go out for bike rides I will just have to pull up my Arctic ONE Buff and this should hopefully stop peoples Cooties from infecting me.

My daughter Kayleigh has been on the phone texting me. I have told her not to worry, this is just another challenge. The reply I got was ever so sweet and it shows how much she loves me.She said in a txt 'It's hard no to worry :( literally hate how everything shit happens to you! You don't deserve it :( xxx  I don't really believe in luck or misfortune, shit happens to good people all the time and I see people worse off than me almost every day of the week, so it makes me feel lucky for the things I do have in my life. Yeah I go through phases where I feel everything is against me and when this happens I tend to go into hiding to regroup which can scare some people as they must think I'll never return.

At the moment my worst fear is having to take more time off work. Not only do I feel I am letting my work colleagues down, as well as my patients, but being off means I have way too much time to think and analyse what exactly I am doing on this planet. Feeling slightly lost.com

Support of your friends when you are feeling a bit down

This week has been a difficult one, what with going back to work and not exactly feeling 100%. I have felt in a low mood and add to the fact I'm a bit stressed over my forth coming treatment well it hasn't been an exactly great week. I hate it when I'm off work as I have far too much time to think and over think, then think some more and I end up becoming really tired and everything gets too much. The one thing that anyone who knows me knows is that I am very honest and I guess that goes for my blogging too. No good pretending everything is hunky dory when it's not. Sometimes things just don't work out the way you plan or stuff happens and it leaves you, well I can't even think of a word, maybe 'Lost' is as good as any.

Anyhoo after all the shit I have been through over the years I have discovered I am pretty resilient I just retreat behind my defences, learn from my experiences and try not to bring everyone else down around me. My unhappiness I pop in a little locker within my head and try not to visit it. I have always been the same I find it incredibly difficult to give myself a break yet, I'm great at shining a little light on others. My friends John and Ade have been very supportive this last week I'm not great at taking advice and tend to switch off. I have been told off by Ade as he knows I can so easily slip into hibernation mode and no one will see me for months on end.

I won on the Euro Millions this Friday and was already preparing in my head to move to Alaska, live in a cabin and become a recluse, unfortunately I don't think I can manage it on £2.90, ah well there is always next week.

My mates John and Lee were messaging me all Friday, arranging to head out on the bikes. Truth be known I just didn't feel like it. I had kind of lost my MoJo and have just been taking to my bed when I have come in from work, hiding under the quilt. I like sleeping when I can as it doesn't mean I am thinking. Anyhoo John mentioned I had to go out as a friend we had met on Facebook and who runs a group called simply 'Bike' wanted to head out with us and was eager to meet both John, Lee and myself. Not being big headed but David really wanted to meet me as he sees me as an inspiration. Again not blowing my own trumpet I get this a lot and I can't for the life of me understand why. I'm just a very ordinary guy, who makes the most of what I have got and can do. I often feel guilty as I think I have to live up to this idea of what people think I am and obviously I can't so it's a bit of a fail on my part. Again just how I perceive myself I guess, pretty sad really. On a positive I do try to be the best I possibly can and I am very warm and friendly and people do take to me pretty quickly. I am now very good at wearing this veil and hiding my true feelings and try to be bubbly and bright even when I am feeling crap, well it's not very nice bringing people down as they have their own problems and quite often as not they are ten times worse than mine.

So I decided to hook up with John and Lee and we arranged to meet David down at Rowlands Gill outside Maguire's Fish Shop the following day, Saturday at 9:00 am. I awoke pretty early and got all sorted, retrieving my Pyga from the shed. Si my bike mechanic had returned my bike all serviced and everything in good working order. I hopped on my bike and headed over the Font to retrieve some funds out of the cash machine, then decided what the hell I may as well ride up Durham Road Bank and go and meet John. Just as I got to the top there he was coming down. He greeted me with an 'Alreet mate how ye dee'in', to which he got a slightly subdued 'ahh am ok'. We then headed down the bank to call on Lee. A quick chat with Michelle, Lee's wife and we were off. Across to the farmers trail and up, the start of another adventure for the 3 Amigo's.

It didn't take us all that long to get to Rowlands Gill and we only had to wait 5 minutes or so before David turned up. It was then hand shakes all round and brief introductions oh and I grabbed a photo of us all. David saying 'aww man a hate me photo taken', tough mate when you are with me you got to have your pic taken it's how I recall memories.
 

David,John,Me and Lee

From the chippy we headed down the road and were soon on the Derwent Walk and heading up to Blackhill and Consett. It was nice taking it in turns to ride with one another and share a bit of banter. I rode much quicker and even though I was knackered today felt I did ok, it's probably because I wasn't on my Fattie which drags like hell. It was great hearing a little about David and just having a bit of fun with friends old and new. My mates mean everything to me as they are so supportive and even when I am feeling down put up with me and offer words of wisdom and encouragement. I really tried to be upbeat today as it was my first time meeting David and obviously I don't want him thinking I'm  a miserable twat.

 

Photo by John -Lee, Glenn & David

Soon we were at Blackhill, it was only like 10:10 or something so I suggested we head on up to MacDonald's for a cuppa and we could have a chat outside. Everyone was up for this so we set off again. Following on from MacDonald's we headed over to the sculptures as David wanted to grab some pictures and this is where we said our farewells. John, Lee and myself headed down towards Lanchester Way,saying what a canny lad David was. We will definitely arrange another ride out soon and David would like to meet wor Baxter and get a few photo's of him.

Just as we got down to the big red tug before the Hownsgill Viaduct I spotted a couple of lads at the side of the trail. One of them was on a  very nice Trek Farley Fat Bike, so I had to stop and say hello as you do. As I spoke to this very friendly gentleman John said 'Oh hey we have met affor man'. It turns out we had spoke to Ian once before at the Toon. he was on his other Fat bike at the time lol small world. Ian introduced us to his friend Steve and we shared a canny bit craic. Ian and Steve asking where the tea rooms where at the Gill. We showed them the way and then said goodbye, two really canny blokes, if you see this lads hope you got back safe and sound and it was great seeing you again Ian.

Steve and Ian

It didn't take us long to get down to Hurbuck Cottages and from there we joined the road  and headed along to the turn off for Stoney Heap. Here there was a canny climb, Lee was off in his typical Wiggins style, whilst John and I huffed, puffed and whined all the way up. John describing his ass as being off the Richter scale. As we rode up the bank I was his inspirational and motivational coach, saying 'you can't get off, just keep going m8, get to the next post'. A quick breather at the top and then we were off again. It didn't take long to get to Stanley a quick dodge down the Front Street past all the waifs and strays and before long Lee and I were saying bye to John. Lee and I then whizzed down the back streets of Durham Road, Lee actually slowing down for the junction this time as last time he almost went arse over tit as a car approached the road. I was shouting 'Watch oot for the road like'.

Got home and Ern was in the shed fixing kids bikes lol, his normal daily routine really.

A quick shower and it was almost time to head back up for John along with my dad and Essi my friend who has been visiting a few days. We were all going to have a ride through to the Mercedes dealership so that I could pick Tango my Smart Car up. Tango's been in to get a few bits and bobs done under a recall after the alternator belt snapped and disintegrated. A little chat to the service guy and one of the car salesman and John and I jumped in Tango. I've been getting a new radio and dear me it took me ages to connect my phone so I could play a few tunes on the way home. Soon on our way though.

I think John was impressed with the performance of my little car as it can whizz along considering it's only a 1 litre. It's such a fun little car to drive. When I got home I had a bit fanny around with the radio and think I have it sussed. I even popped a movie on a memory stick and was well impressed it plays.
 
Various stuff going on that has given me a different perspective on everything, not sure whether it's good or bad, maybe it requires more analysing, something I am very good at. I hate it when I can't fix things, me included.
 
A huge thanks to all my friends for your on going support and trying to cheer me up...Sorry this isn't as positive a post as usual, a lot going on and struggling for answers.

The End!



Oh Ps David has promised me some of his photo's as I just wasn't in the mood today.

A lovely afternoon out, over at Wylam.

Friday evening and my usual venture up to my good friends Ade and Amanda's. It has become a part of my weekly schedule to go up on a Friday evening and there we have a catch up talking about the weeks events and Amanda makes me several cups of tea and plies me with various cakes, biscuits, bags of crisps and even on occasion ice cream lollies.

Anyhoo on Friday I mentioned to Ade I would really like to try and get some decent photo's of Hagg Bank Bridge as Rachael had mentioned she liked the bridge as it used to be on her daily commute on her way into work each day when she was on the train. So I arranged with Ade that we would have a drive over that way the following day.

After having a bit of a nightmare getting my new car, "Tango" taxed because of this cherished plate transfer. I was over the moon to have been able to sort it all out on Friday morning. So my little Smart car was all road legal and I was looking forward to a blast out in her. The little Smart is so much fun to drive and quite pokey around town, in fact it surprises quite a few drivers just how quick it is. Quite a few people have a habit of pulling out on me as they think "Oh it's only a Smart Car".
 

Tango

Continuing to get out

It's all just about getting out, it doesn't really matter where. I'm happy as long as I can try to retain some semblance of fitness and not just sit in the house feeling utterly fed up and bored. I have had way too much of that in the past and whenever illness creeps up I panic.

I'm going to keep this a short blog as I think people get fed up with just reading about me going out on my bike and writing about it all the time. I mean I do always try to put a bit of something in my writing, whether it's humour, a little history now and again or just how I'm dealing with stuff and others may take something from that...I don't know. Writing these blogs is therapeutic for me and it also gives me something to look back on. Sure some of the memories aren't fond ones, but the majority are. Sometimes we have to go through the bad times to truly appreciate just what
a good time we are having.

Beautiful skies

Moo cows in the lush field

Down the Trail

Today's ride out was a 20 miler with my friend John. John and I are regular riding partners and although we haven't been out as much this year I know all I have to do is give John a shout and he is there to go for a ride and brighten up my day. We chat about anything and everything, mainly me doing the talking as well I'm good at it.


It was a cracking day for a ride. I don't know where John got his weather forecast from the night before but it was most definitely not raining and windy.

Rather than explain exactly where we went I will just say it was a local loop taking in the Lanchester Valley route and back home. We stopped along the Lanchester Valley Route to eat the berries I had brought along. Raspberries,black berries and blue berries. By the time I was finished with the blue berries my hand were all stained. I am trying to maintain eating lots of berries in the hope my bloods remain high, unlike a few weeks ago.

Lovely Berries

As we started back along the trail I informed John I was really socket sore. At the moment I have a really tender area where I weight bare on my sockets and wow is it hurting. So a little further down the trail I stopped and retrieved a Mepilex border which is a kind of plaster out of my bag. I then found a hidden spot between some bushes and proceeded to drop me draws and stick this plaster on my ass. They don't take away all the pain, but do give a little relief from the constant chaffing when I'm riding. The soreness and pain is one of the biggest limiting factors to my distance riding, well that and I am knackered from the chemo at the minute.

 

Berry stained fingers

As we came off the Lanchester Valley we headed up to Consett and got a coffee and a chocolate doughnut each from MacDonald's and sat out side and had a chat over them. We then headed back. When we came to near the Transformers sculptures I bumped into one of my old school friends dad. Dennis and his friend Doug are always out walking. I spent a good 20 minutes asking after him and Steven and the rest of his family and also about some of the places we have ridden and visited locally. Dennis likes history and walking so it was nice to share some of the trails we have been on. John and I then said our farewells and we continued on our way.

   

Lots of pretty flowers this time of year

As we got to the Ox Inn I called in. I am after some glasses you see. I want to get them for Rachael as she likes the design and the drink called Old Moot. It's a cider made in New Zealand I believe. My daughter Kayleigh had said the Ox may have some so I thought I would just go in and ask if they had any spare I could buy. The lasses behind the bar were very friendly, telling me they thought they had a few but the bar manager wasn't in and it would be up to her if they could sell the glasses. I just left my name and number on a piece of paper however haven't had a call as yet. Hey if you happen to have any old Moot glasses you don't want you know where to send them lol.

As I came out of the Ox I bumped into another cracking lad I know. So Steven and I shared a canny bit banter outside, me telling him about my new pup Baxter and Steven saying I would have to call along his sometime to show him Baxter. Again said our goodbye's and John and I continued down to Stanley and through the Front Street, then under the subway  and down Wear Road to  where John lives. "catch you later mate" I said  as I rode off down towards Durham Road and home. I even managed to get in our back yard without falling off, bonus.

   

The old Fat Bike is in need of some tlc

Whipped my BTK limb off and popped my everyday one on and then washed my little Smart car and gave her half a polish. Yeah I only polished the bonnet, roof, wings and the drivers side door. I was then knackered. I used Maguire's 3 stage stuff so had to go over each panel 3 times. Stage 1 a paint bringer backer upper'rer . Stage 2 a polish and stage 3 some canuba  wax. Tango now looks half shiny.

I'm a bit pissed off at moment car wise as I cannot use my little car. The car came with a private plate and I don't have the log book slip so cannot tax her. The previous owner wants this private plate back so I am not sure what the cars new registration will be. It's a right pain in the arse and very frustrating as I want to go out for a spin lol

What do you do to relieve stress?

So the other night I was feeling slightly stressed.  I had intended on heading out for a ride all day, but just never got around to it, busy sorting this daft bedroom out. When I did decide to finally go out I couldn't find my under shorts and then when I finally did find them I couldn't find my rear light. This just compounded my frustration and led to more feelings of "Aghhhhhh" I can't explain so that kind of sums it up.

Eventually I found all my gear but was so demotivated I decided to put it all away safely and just lie around feeling decidedly unhappy with myself "Pffffff".

This chemo has had some weird effects on me. I get really emotional and with being off work me being me I feel lazy. I'm not as active as I was and this gives me way too much time to over think every single situation and detail and generally get it totally wrong, creating more problems and complexities within my lets face it pretty simple life. Oh and did I mention my eye sight is horrendous now. I spoke to a MacMillan nurse and she informed me it may be due to the treatment. Driving on a night is the worst, as car lights feel like laser beams, they are just so bright. I quite often have to squint.

Looking out over Stanley at all the lights