When being an amputee really sucks!

 Just a heads-up no pictures with this particular blog, as I mean stump pictures aren't exactly pretty.

I have never asked the question "why me?" with regard to my amputation or even when I got diagnosed with Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma a year after having my leg off. 

 I mean what is the point in questioning things that you can't turn the clock back on. It gets you nowhere, other than possibly feeling bitter, angry or depressed.

That said, I am not saying I don't get frustrated with my situation. Never more so than when my leg is not fitting properly, and it is causing me no end of grief.

At the moment, I feel as if every step I take is going to fracture the end of my wee leg (stump) I hate that word. You see although when I get on the weighing scales I don't appear to have fluctuated much in weight, my residual limb, wee leg, stump call it what you will has shrunk. It's probably about the size of my arm now. My socket, which I have had for going on over 4 years now, just doesn't fit anymore. I'm gutted, as this is the best relationship I have ever had with a socket in my fourteen years as an amputee.

Like I say, I have been an amputee for, Oh! About 14 years, and I have tried every trick I know to keep my prosthetic limb in place. This includes extra stump socks, there's that word again LoL, extra seals. I have tried sticking bits in my socket with Gaffa tape. Tried raising the seating area, with bits of foam and Gaffa tape. I have even cut a piece off a Yoga matt, made it into a circle, Gaffa taped it and then tried slipping it around the seal. Oh! And let's not forget using  Mepilex Borders on the end of my stump Grrrrrrr! And I even experimented with putting a pair of socks inside my socket before lowering myself into it, just to try and cushion the area where my bone rests on my socket as I walk.

If you are not an amputee and a "Norm" Lol let me try and give you an idea of my daily grind. So imagine you have had your leg lopped off, above knee of course and the doc has cut through your femur, that is the large thigh-bone. Now imagine putting all your weight on the end of that bone. It's like having permanent toothache but in your bone.

Awwww! Great I am now getting serious phantom pain.

Oh! That is just the physical side of things, I haven't even mentioned the mental side. I am not sleeping, I think this is due to stress and anxiety. You see, I am a pretty active lad. I am continuing to do my daily challenge of riding every day. This is not so bad as the pressure from my socket is not directly on the end of my stump, as long as I don't stand out of the saddle, something I can no longer do to be honest. What is worrying me is getting sorted and possibly having to give up my passion of riding my bikes. Then of course a big issue is work, I am stressed to hell as I can't do my job to the best of my ability, and feel like I am letting everyone down.

I am terrible at accepting kind words, and quite recently have been told some lovely stuff relating to how I work with patients in my job. Of course, this all goes out the window as "Critical Glenn" jumps in and presumes people are carrying me and feel sorry for me.

This year has been an incredibly hard one for a lot of people, what with Covid, and I don't want anyone thinking I am writing a blog bleating on and whining full of self-pity. Unlike Facebook, which I came off a few months ago, I like to keep things real and allow people to see what really goes on, the good the bad and the ugly, not all this false crap that folk post about and how their lives are amazing.

I am sure someone somewhere will read my blog and be able to think "man I am not the only one" and take some sense that you are not alone.

Of course, I am not going to end there, I absolutely refuse to give in and will work through these problems like I always have. I guess writing this is a good way for me to also release some tension.