Watch & Wait

 It has been 13 years since I was first diagnosed with Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I can remember clearly when it first kind of started. It was upon a ride out with my friend Carl, and coming up through Beamish and No Place. I just was not feeling quite right and at the time had terrible stomach cramps. Strangely enough these cramps would come and go, however upon each episode they got increasingly worse.

Anyhoo Carl and I had been on a day out riding up at Kielder Forest, we had had a brilliant day however at some point I had snapped the bottom bracket of my brand-new carbon fibre bike. So upon our return I had contacted the bike retailer,  Stiff who were based down Leeds way. My dad and I took the bike back to Stiff and upon inspection they agreed that the frame would be replaced under warranty, however I would have to wait around 6 weeks for a replacement from the USA.

Back in 2008 and being silly

Great memories of a day at Kielder

 

After roughly 6 weeks, my bike was back together with a new frame and my dad and I went down to pick her up. This is the part where I can recall feeling proper poorly and knowing something just wasn't right. I was doubled up in our car with the most horrible stomach pain, on the return journey, so once near home, my dad took me straight to A & E at the Queen Elizabeth in Gateshead. I had had my leg off there in the September of 2007, so we thought going there was probably better than going to Dryburn at Durham, which would have been my local hospital.

After spending hours at the QE and being poked and prodded, and very friendly doctor who had examined me came in and informed me he had discovered an unusual lymph node in my neck. It was near my collarbone on the Left. He advised he would be making an appointment for me to see a consultant near home, so Durham, and that they would take it from there.

A few weeks later, I met a friendly consultant called Dr Keenan. What I liked about her was not only her voice, as she sounded a little like Mrs Doubtfire, but her candid approach. Dr Keenan said to me "I have some good news, and some bad news"... "Oh here we go I" thought. "So, what is the bad news?" I enquired to which she replied "Oh, you have cancer". "So, what is the good news?" I asked. "Oh, it is the best one you can get". This left me a little perplexed, however as I look back on it now I just kind of thought "Huh Ok".

In 2015, I had to undergo chemotherapy, which to be fair wasn't too bad compared to some poor folk. The worst bit was the additional antibody therapy, which totally had me wrecked and lasted almost 3 years.

As time went on I was armed with information and supported through the Non Hodgkin's, the consultant and specialist nurses always on hand if I needed someone to talk too. I think the hardest thing to deal with and this is where I am leading with this particular post is the "Watch & Wait". I find it very difficult to deal with this and at times don't particularly know what I am waiting for.

I am very good at going each day without ever thinking of this thing attacking my body. I have a dark sense of humour, so find it ironic that even my own cells don't like me LoL and from what I know that is what cancer cells are. I have heard them called "eternal cells" as unlike normal cells they don't die off, they just duplicate and spread.

So to last week, upon getting up on Wednesday morning I had an upset tummy. I went to work, however as the morning went on I felt increasingly unwell with an upset stomach, and I was sweating and felt all clammy. The girls at work are all very supportive and immediately noticed I didn't look good so were fussing around, checking my obs, opening windows and popping a fan on. I then became freezing cold and just thought I had some sort of bug. I booked a Covid test and then went home, having booked the test for 1 PM down at Chester -Le- Street.

Anyhoo the test came back negative, however I haven't felt well all week and this is that part of Watch & Wait I hate. Once I am feeling unwell with my tummy, it always brings back memories of that first time riding up through Beamish and the start of that period of my life and well it sucks.

After speaking to a G.P over the phone, although he was very kind, supportive and friendly, it has still left me not knowing exactly what is going on. The doctor came up with a few thoughts, yes it could possibly be a flare up of my Non Hodgkin's, however I don't really have any other symptoms. It could be a bout of gastroenteritis, or after the doc read my notes, he thought it could be stress & anxiety.

It has been hard going back to work after 9 months of lockdown, however I don't feel particularly stressed, but hey that is the thing with stress and mental health it can kind of sneak up on you. Sometimes you can ask yourself the question and your mind lies to you, however your body reacts in a different way. I will admit, a good few months ago I was going through a low period, however using some strategies like being kind to myself, meditation and exercise buoyed me again, and have kept me afloat. Of course, I am still a little down that I keep seeing "dream houses" in Scotland and know in a perfect world where I would be and what I would be doing. I enjoy this imagining, it can take me away and well if something does come about I will already be prepared and have a plan of action.

Going back to feeling like crap, I decided to test myself today and have a ride out with my friend John. I figured if I could get a few miles in and feel relatively ok I would be ok for work on Sunday. We rode a local loop of just over 12 miles down Beamish. I was quite impressed with myself as I didn't use any power all the way up the farmer's trail and actually for a fair amount of other sections. The turbo trainer is continuing to give me a good workout. I have been switching the resistance level up just to make things interesting.

And so as I write this, almost finished, I continue to have a dicky tummy and not feel 100%. I guess time will tell what is up.

I'll leave you with a few pics from today. I have put them at the end as I can't be arsed to slot them in to my story, Lol

Ok off to dream about a cottage I have seen in Argyllshire...