What a month - A camera up the rear and a New Bike Day.

The last few months, well I should rephrase that to most of this year, since May in fact I have not been feeling well at all. My diagnosis was confirmed last Saturday when I had to have another camera up me hoop.

This time I attended my appointment for a sigmoidoscopy. It was no less uncomfortable than my two previous colonoscopies, but hey the procedure needed to be done to try and get to the bottom of what is going on with me.

I have currently been placed on another 2 months of predisanone, steroids and at least when I am on these they help with my ongoing symptoms. Though I must hasten to add I still do not feel my usual self. I have been able to return to work on a phased return and this is a massive help for my mental health. There is nothing worse than being at home with loads of time on your hands, but feeling to ill to do stuff. It just gives you too much time to think of all the negative stuff and end up feeling sorry for yourself.

Anyhoo onto something more exciting and positive. As I have wrote in a previous blog post I had been waiting for a new Orbea bike to arrive in at Wheelbase, in Darlington. As I recall I placed an order for a Cannondale Mottera, then changed my mind and opted for an Orbea Rise M10.

Adam kept me informed about the delay in the delivery of the Orbea, however as the months passed by, no sign of the bike. This was down to Orbea and nothing to do with Wheelbase, something to do with the components I had asked to have on the bike I believe.

Eventually I decided to cancel the Orbea and was indeed going to put a new bike on hold, due to my ongoing health concerns. I then thought "No, you know what a new bike will inspire me to get out there". Did I need a new ride? Well Yes of course I did I am addicted to shiny new bikes. I have already got my eye on another one for if I am invited to take part in next years Artic ONE charity bike ride, around the Isle of Wight. I can't be seen cheating on an e-Bike now can I?

 

New Bike Day

Getting back in touch with Adam at Wheelbase I mentioned I had seen a good deal on a Santa Cruz Heckler SL and could he possibly do a price match. Adam said to give him a day or so, and he contacted the distributors, getting back to me with the good news, a bike easy available and he could price match. Great I placed an order and following my bike coming into the shop one of the workshop team fitted a Ridewrap protection kit, as I had requested.

Wheelbase Darlington

Wheelbase Darlington

I'm over the moon as my bike also came with a Fox Transfer Kashima Dropper seat post, and I am sure it has a lot carbon Reserve wheel set. Adam finished off the bike with some little trick Bugtec trick bits. A Bugtec top cap and, stack spacers.

A great choice of bikes from various manufacturers 

Santa Cruz Heckler SL

Santa Cruz Heckler SL

I am just on my way home now, with Ern. As my dad is driving us back I am typing up the very thing you are reading. A nice cup of tea when we get back and then I will fit a few parts to my new bike which includes  Rockgaurdz front and rear mudguards, plus a K-Edge adjustable stem mount bracket to hold the new Beeline Velo 2 I purchased.

K-Edge adjustable stem mount

I am looking forward to reviewing the Beeline Velo 2 as in communication with the guys who make the small device, they have been ever so friendly and helpful. Each of the back and forth messages made me feel like I wasn't just another customer. I like the fact that they listened to my feedback and where actually interested in my continued journey and cycling. So once I  get the chance to test out the new bike and give it a bit of an informal review from a non professional riders point of view I will also get around to reviewing the Beeline Velo 2. I am lexcited to seeing if the small Beeline will help with my atrocious sense of direction.

 

Looking forward to reviewing this little GPS and offering Beeline some feedback.

Ooh decided to pop down to Team Cycles to treat my bike to a Peaty's Fidlock bottle and mount. Got a chance to see a DJI Amflow in the shop. First one I have seen, looked canny. The rear triangle looked thinner than I thought, but overall a nice looking bike.

A Peaty's Fidlock  bottle

Thanks for reading. Best wishes to everyone for the coming holiday season, and a Happy New Year 2025.

Abarth 124 Spider - Hardrace Strut Brace + other mods I forgot about.

It's probably a good few months now when I did a little research into what strut brace I could purchase to fit my wee Abarth 124 Spider. There were a few on the market, however I really wanted a blue coloured one to tie in with my car, call it OCD.

Another reason for a replacement strut brace was for more practical reasons. You see as I am running Yellow Speed Racing coil overs, with the original brace I could not adjust the suspension, through the top mounts. without removing the factory strut brace. The original brace completely covers the top of the struts, so has to be removed for any adjustments to be made, which means it is a right faff.

Hardrace strut brace,

Now as many of you will know the Abarth 124 shares the same platform as the Mazda MX5 ND, so when I couldn't find a suitable Abarth version I started looking at braces that were made for the Mazda.

I happened to come across a blue Hardrace Strut brace, so decided to go ahead and purchase one. 

When the strut brace arrived, it was well packaged and the box contained all the required mounting plates and fasteners.

Can now get access to top of coil over struts

Both Ern and myself got cracking with the job in hand and soon the old brace was removed, and replaced with the new Hardrace version. It was a very easy job, and not only does the new brace look a lot better astheticaly, but I think I have noticed improved stiffness when driving. So I am very happy with my new mod.

Oh and I also forgot to mention whilst we were on, around about the same time I had a Sports CAT fitted to my car, Well the garage that fitted it were unable to pop the heat shield back on, as there were no mountings on the new CAT. After driving my car I noticed it smelled and felt very hot. My da and I ended up remobing the CAT in our back yard. It was easy yo get off, however after wrapping the CAT with Funk some Lava Wrap, what a nightmare getting the bloody thing back on. It was one single bolt in a suport bracket that we had the issue with.

   

The Ern working on my wee Abarth 124 Spider

Follwing putting the CAT back on we fitted another of my new mods a PTP Lava Turbo blanket. Now with both the wrap on the CAT and the turbo blanket my wee Abarth is sorted. 

  

PTP Turbo Blaket for Abarth 124 Spider.

Oh and finally I ordered an eMotion2+ Personal OBD Tuner from Celtic Tuning. I attached the tuner to my car, downloaded the file to the box, and then uploaded to my PC and sent the file off to the eMotion2+ people. Within a short space of time I had a new modified file and was able to pop that on the tuner box and reupload to my car.

   

eMotion2+ OBD tuning Box

The whole process was pretty easy anI didn't encounter any issues. The eMotion2+ guys were very friendly and helpful. Now that the remapped file is on my car I can definitely tell a difference. I am not sure how much extra horses it has given me. My car now along with the Sports CAT and the new remap, where I get some small pops and bangs with the valves open on my Ragazzon exhaust sounds absolutely epic.

As a 56 year old old fart I now love driving my car in "Hooligan Mode" and it makes me feel relatively young again, especially in the fine weather with the top down.

Waiting is the worst part

       As we approach the end of another year and I reflect back, I have to say this year has been, without sounding to depressing almost a complete fail. 

      Of course there have been some exciting and positive moments, like my involvement in all of the success of the film "Meet the Local Hero", and the very kind invitation to travel over to Spain from my friend Dragos, the director to spend time with him and his partner Ana, then being able to attend the film screening in Barcelona, at the Love & Hope International Film Festival. 

Dragos and myself during filming

      There has been the help and support of various generous people alongside the Arctic ONE Foundation, on my Go Fund me page in trying to help me raise enough funds to buy a new G3 Infinity Knee, so that I could continue riding. 

  

Arctic ONE - what an amazing foundation

G3 Infinity Knee

      And there is the fact I have found trying to write a book quite intriguing, and have enjoyed the journey of reflection and putting my thoughts and memories down. There is still a lot of work to do to get it all finished, mostly to do with grammar and getting a front and back cover done, however the story is just about at a point where I am happy.

      And so to this year and why I consider it a fail. Well I decided to treat myself to a new ebike, way back in May of this year 2024. After doing some research I opted for a Cannondale Moterra SL. I contacted Wheelbase in Darlington and went down to put a deposit down and place my order. I knew with the bike being a new model it would take some time to arrive, however whilst waiting I got my eye on a different model bike, so I decided to change my mind, and opted for an Orbea Rise M10 LT. I custom specc'd the bike down at Wheelbase and then I waited, and waited, and waited some more. Finally after waiting over 6 months the bike had not arrived, and I was informed it wouldn't be here until possibly December or even later. Apparently there was a problem with getting components.

      Now at this point I must make it clear, Wheelbase had done everything they possibly could to get the bike to me, it has had nothing to do with their customer service. I spoke to another local bike shop lately and they stated they have had the exact same problems when it comes to delivery times from Orbea. The same thing actually happened when I was looking to buy my Orbea Gain, I just couldn't get a bike for love nor money at the time.

      Anyhoo just this week I cancelled the order for the Orbea Rise with Wheelbase. There are other reasons, other than the long wait. I currently have stuff going on that have me kind of all over the place. If you are a follower of my blog you may have read that I have been going through some health issues, which funnily enough started just after I ordered a new bike, oh and when my old Bartlett Tendon Knee started acting up and became pretty much un-useable. 

   

Orbea Rise Cancelled - Took way too long to arrive

      Going back to this health thing, I originally thought I had just picked up a really bad bug from work, however after a prolongued period of illness I was to discover this was not the case. 

      It has hit me really hard as my intention was to save up for a new bike, then my knee fucked up so I started the GoFund Me, and then this whatever it is health problem started getting worse. Obviously best laid plans and all that have not gone as I thought. I think I must have been off work going on 6 or so months this year, with what had been described as Ulcerative Colitis by the Inflamatory Bowel Disease clinic.

    Things got a little better following the taking of some predisanone which are steroids, these allowed me to take the trip over to Spain and even do some riding, however upon my return home and gradually coming off the steroids I found I was feeling unwell again, which has meant more time off work and I cannot ride my bike. I just feel so unwell. Whatever is going on has me wiped out, and in so much pain, alongside lots of stress.

      Having been back to the IBD clinic and now been put back on steroids alongside another medication, Salofalk Granules I am now waiting more investigations, this is to be another camera up my hoop, something called a Flexible Sigmoidoscopy and a MRE, which is similar to a MRI, however is apparently better for observing soft tissue.

      My IBD nurse has been wonderful in her support, she says there is a Big question mark over my diagnosis, and I am a trickey customer, due to my past history with the Non Hodgkins Lymphoma and having treatment for that. Now that I am needing more tests  I am obviously concerned, however trying to stay positive.      

      I just feel my whole life is back in limbo again, waiting for a definitive diagnosis, and then to see what will happen. My health has to come first as without it I can't do jack. I am stressed about work, and I know I will have the Department of Work and Pensions on my case and the awful people over at Universal Credit. I was sanctioned £800 the first week I was forced onto this new benefit system, and went from disabled tax credits which I used to receive from HMRC without problems.

       Now recently I have been sanctioned by Universal Credit, 2 months in a row since being on the sick, and I have been informed I owe £900 quid back. The people at Universal Credit took great delight in telling me there is no such things as "disabled tax credits", basically you are treat like a benefit scrounger. I hate it on the rare occassion when I do have to attend the Job Centre, as you have to face the demeaning glare of the so called advisors, who look at you like you are pure scum. I don't get a great deal a month from the government, it's just supposed to be a little help to bump up my wage, to meet the national standard. I have had to reduce my hours at work, as I have been struggling for sometime, so I am now down to 24 hours per week, well when I feel well enough to even go.

      Man this all sounds like doom and gloom and I apologise if you are reading this and thinking " Wow I could do without reading all this negativity", however my blog has always been about telling it how it is. Life for a lot of people isn't like in the movies, or like on social media, where everyone is trying to portray this amazing, yet fake lifestyle. Yes I have had a bit of a whine in my relaying of events, or is it more of just getting my thoughts out there ?

      You see I find writing stuff down helps with my thought process. I know I have faced serious health concerns in the past, so although I am stressed to fuck at times, due to the unknown, I also feel pretty well equipped to deal with what is to come. The best bit of advice I can give anyone, I guess is to talk to someone and try not to keep things bottled up. Although it may feel like moaning and it can get tedious as your whole life appears to revolve around whatever problem you have, talking to someone you trust can help relieve a great deal of pressure.

Of course I also have that internal dark side to me, and if you know anything about me you will know I love quotes. This one is by Lou Holtz who used to be an American football player, coach and analyst, and it goes like this...

" Never tell your problems to anyone... Eighty Percent don't care and the other twenty percent are gald you have them"

      I just keep telling myself take one day at a time and live in the moment, the past is the past and the future is not here yet so it is no good getting all wound up, of course its difficult, however I am a lot better at stopping my over active imagination and telling my inner voice to do one, when it starts with all its negative questions and scenarios. At the end of the day this is just life, and part of my journey.

     I am going to focus on keep going with my goal of getting a new G3 Infinity Knee, and looking ahead to getting a new bike so that I can follow my passion of being out in nature on some beautiful trail or another. It kind of reminds me of way back in 2007 when I knew I was going to have my leg amputated. I bought a new bike, way before my surgery and that was the inspiration to overcome and move forward. 

     Future inspiration a picture for now...

Santa Cruz Heckler SL

For now I will probably wait a little while for a more positive diagnosis, then I will know exactly what I am dealing with, and I can figure out a way forward. Hey its just another challenge Right?

Why I would never buy another Abarth

 As the title to this post states "Why I would never buy another Abarth!"

I purchased my Abarth 124 Spider from Motorpoint in Birtley sometime around August of last year 2023, after trading in my Abarth 595 Competzione. As with all my other cars that I have owned, there has been no expense spared in either servicing or in modifying my car. I always use top end products, for washing and cleaning, and it was upon cleaning my car some 7 months ago, and I will now explain how the 7 months is relevant. 

      You see it was a hot day and after washing my car and going on to dry her  around the boot area, I obseerved the rubber boot seal appeared loose. As I took my duster to mop up any residual water the seal moved and I noticed what appeared to be signs of rust under the seal. Upon lifting the seal up, sure enough the paint was blistered.

Following the drying of my car and giving it a good polish I decided to pop to a local garage, and the friendly chap took a look at the area and informed "You should get intouch with the main dealer, as this should come under warranty". He advised I check my service book and look under the warranty section. So when I got home that is what I did. It clearly stated the car is only warrantied for 36 months against manufacturing defects of the paintwork, this was on page 9. However when I turned the page and looked at page 10 it stated that the car was covered under warranty for "Perforating Rust" and this is for 8 years. Now my car is a 2019 so if we go to 2024 that means it is 5 years old, so I thought " Get in I am covered". I mean the area the car was rusting could not have been caused by stone chips, or other accidental damage. The paint is blistering from what looks like to me the inside to the outside. It is as if the car has had a spot weld on the panel and not enough protective paint had been applied.

   

Paint Warranty for 36 months

Not worth the papaer its wrote on

I did a quick search on Google and Perforation was described as 

"perforation, is corrosion forming from inside a metal panel which is rusting from the inside of the panel and works its way through the panel from inside to out".

Start of rust forming

Start of car cancer

What do you think ?

Anyhoo I contacted my local Abarth dealer Richard Hardie down at Silverlink and after a little chat was advised to take my car to their approved body shop, which was Fenham Garage Services in Newcastle. Upon the paint guy inspecting my car and taking some photographs, my dad being with me the guy clearly stated "Ahh yes it looks like the paint has blistered  and is perforated".

Fenham Garage Services then issued an invoice to Richard Hardie, as far as I am aware, and I got back in touch with Richard Hardie to confirm what FGS had said. I then waited, and waited and nothing from Richard Hardie. A call to Richard Hardie and I was informed that Abarth Customer Care had not been back in touch with them. Anyhoo 2 months passed by so I decided to get in touch with Abarth Customer Care myself. I was issued a case number, and then another few months went by with no communication. I got back intouch with Abarth customer care and was informed, that they had been having problems talking to the person involved at Richard Hardie, he just wasn't around. More time ticked away.

Eventually some roughly 7 months later I received an email to say that my claim had been refused, as the "Photographs didn't support the warranty claim for perforated paint". I wrote back saying I didn't agree and commented on the terrible customer service, I had received, I mean come on 7 months, not only that but to be informed by the approved body shop that the paintwork was defective and then not have anyone look at it in person from Fiat or Abarth or whoever I thought was shocking. I then received an email today to say the case was at its conclusion as 

"Additionally, certain criteria must be met for us to investigate further, including factors such as the age of the vehicle, which unfortunately falls outside the parameters we consider." 

"Err hold on the warranty clearly states up to 8 years for perforating rust, and if they are just going off pictures, surely someone should look at the car in person". Its a bit like these damn insurance companies, they are only to willing to fleece people for high premiums, however then not willing to pay out the true price of a replacement vehicle like for like, when you have informed them of how much money and care you have gone into looking after your motor.

Now I know my car was second hand, however it has a full service history and came with a warranty, that is in my opinon not worth the paper it is written on. The service by both the main dealer Richard Hardie and the Abarth customer service has been shocking. Oh and upon further research if you check the Abarth Forums, this doesn't appear just to be a one off, as in just my car. There are many people complaing of the same areas, where these cars are rusting.

In ending I would say the Abarths are a great little car, however like anything else if you aren't looked after by the after sales, well it certainly puts you off any future investments. So I guess this is a tip and words of advice if you are intending on purchasing am Abarth 124 Spider, check under the boot rubber for signs of rust.

Arctic ONE Forward Motion

Hi

Many of you may not have heard of The Arctic ONE Foundation I am not sure how I became aquainted with the charity to be honest, whether they discovered me or I discovered them. Thinking back I may have been introduced to Matt Kirby and Bex Stubbings, two of the leading representitives of Arctic ONE when I was being supported by the lovely people over at what was then Pace Rehabilitation. This was way back in 2014. 

Anyhoo from my point of view with dealings with the lovely people over at Arctic ONE what I like about the foundation is their transparency, their passion and how they treat everyone equally, striving to offer support where they can. Arctic ONE makes you feel like part of a big family, and friendships are formed.

  

A little about what The Arctic ONE Foundation is all about:

The Arctic ONE Foundation provides opportunities for people to get active and enjoy sport.

We believe that Everyone should have the chance to be active. We set up Arctic One to provide opportunities to people with disabilities to get involved in sport through our grants system, our events and training days and through working with other charities to provide resources and raise awareness

22 Minutes of Fame in Spain

           Well, here I am in Spain, writing parts of this blog, I will finish it upon my return. 

  

So fortunate to have these guys as friends.

My dad had taken me to Newcastle Airport, on the 17th of September, and came inside with me briefly. The parking charges at Newcastle Airport are extortionate.

It has been some time since I last travelled, 2013 to be exact, when I travelled to America, which was my first time taking a flight and being outside of the UK, so not being experienced I found trying to find my way around the airport quite daunting. I could feel myself getting anxious, however, I am getting better at understanding my inner feelings, so changed this to a more positive "Oh you are just excited". I decided to approach the man on the Bureau de Change and after getting initial directions I figured out the next steps to eventually get to the boarding area.

I was flying with EasyJet and have to say the plane was a little smaller than I expected. My recollection of my last flights all those years ago where of bigger planes with more room, this is of course, when I think about it, was because they were International flights, taking many hours and not just a 2-hour hop over. 

The flight over was without incident, I was in a window seat and as we were coming in towards Alicante I could see the sky light up with flashes of lightning which looked amazing.

Hopefully not to many Err's, Ahh's and Mmm's as I get interviewd at BBC Radio Tees.

 Things are going very well with the short documentary film I was invited to be featured in. So far, the film has won 6 awards, and it is still in the running to be chosen for more. As I posted last week, I had some exciting news about the film being screened in Barcelona and being invited to the event, I am so excited not only to attend the screening in September but also to get to spend some time with some of the amazing people who worked on creating and telling my story about part of my journey and who are also now dear friends and lovely people.

I have often been asked, "Where and when can we see the film?" well, I am sure at some point, it will be available to the general public however, for the time being, it has to do the rounds at film festivals. Rest assured, as soon as I can pop a link to the full film, all 22 minutes of it, I will. The film has quite an emotional effect on me each time I watch it. I think, No, in fact, I know that Dragos has captured something in the film that is very special.

With regards to the film and me now having to find money to privately fund my sporting prosthetic needs, I thought it may be a good idea to get in touch with BBC Radio Tees and see if they would be interested in my journey, encompassing the ups and downs of what has been going on.

Go Fund Me

Within the hour of firing off an email, I got a response from Dave Llewellyn, a producer and presenter over at BBC Radio Tees. Dave simply said, "What a Great Story," and we arranged a quick chat on the phone. I was then invited to BBC Radio Tees on Friday morning (yesterday the 30th of August) to meet with another presenter, Gary Philipson.

Real pleasure to meet with BBC Radio Tees Gary Philipson, what a nice fella.

The interview aired on the 30/08/2024

BBC Radio Tees Interview with Gary Philipson - I totally forgot to mention my Go Fund Me and the title of the Film- which is "Meet The Local Hero - Glenn Johnstone"

The film can be found on Internet Movie Data Base and has a Facebook Page. It has recieeved some very positive feedback, as it deals with things such as disability, love, family and overcoming challenges.

Upon arrival at the Radio station, a parking place had been reserved, and everyone at the station was very friendly and welcoming to my dad and me. We were invited in by Dave and taken upstairs in a small lift to a long waiting area. Here, we were invited to a drink, coffee/tea, and we had a little chat with Dave, before Gary came along and took us through to the Radio room with the recording set up.

On my previous visits, I had done live broadcasts. However, this time round, it was to be a recorded interview that could be edited and aired at a later date on Dave's show.

We pretty much got into the interview straight away, Dave checking his equipment and then starting by saying, "Let's start with your name". It's always slightly nerve-racking when you are trying to think of answering a question, trying not to ramble on and the dreaded "Err's, Ahh's and Mmm's" that can occur as you try to give yourself time to think. From my point of view, poor Dave hardly got a word in. However, he did ask some pertinent questions, which allowed me to explain what was going on.

 

BBC Radio Tees with the Ern

In hindsight, although I had mentioned the short documentary,  I wish I had mentioned the name of the film, which is "Meet the Local Hero - Glenn Johnstone" I think I have mentioned in previous blogs about the film, but I most definitely did not choose the title. I don't proclaim to be any sort of Hero I am just an ordinary bloke who has been through some extraordinary circumstances. What I do find remarkable is, upon my journey, some of the amazing people I have had the great pleasure of meeting. In a world that appears to be going mad, there are some really genuine, nice folk out there with their own interesting and important stories and messages of hope and inspiration.

Following the interview, we said our farewells, and Ern and I went for a cruise in my wee Abarth 124. It was a lovely day, so we had the top down. My dad directed me over to the Transporter Bridge, and I got a few shots for posterity. We then head home via Costco at the Metro Centre, this little car guzzles fuel I can't get it over 31.1 mpg, and I drive like Miss Daisy. 

  

Abarth 124 Spider at Middlesbrough

Me and the wee Abarth 124

  

Here's one of The Ern

On the ride home, we encountered one speed bump which my car scraped off. This is after having my car fitted with coilovers and lowered, plus larger wheels fitted. As I recall, the bump was somewhere near Wingate. My car also scapes off the mountain of a speed bump at the end of our street. When we got home my dad got changed and jacked up my car, popping it right up on ramps so that he could have a look underneath to see if he could see exactly where it was catching. Ern removed the under tray protecting the exhaust, and it became clear the protective skid pan was the culprit. I'm just pleased it isn't my exhaust I can live with the pan doing its job. My dad refitted the pan, and the car is now all good.

The interview aired on the 30/08/2024

`

It's 03:20 am and I can't sleep. I'm thinking of writing a book!

Man it's 3:20 am and I just can't get to sleep. I have been lying on the couch all night, my stomach all upset and cramped up, andit feels like its on fire. I am down to 4 prednisolone tablets per day, having reduced them from 8 per day, they are for this newly diagnosed ulcerative colitis. I think the medication creates cortisol, so I haven't been sleeping well for over a month now.

I have always struggled to switch off,  nothing to do with medication. My mind is constantly whirring around, analysing this or debating that. Sometimes it can be very useful and help me problem solve, and then other times it can be a real curse, as I try to tell my mind "It's time for bed now".

writing an e-book

Over the years quite a few people have said things to me like " I think you should write a book" or on occasion "Have you ever thought about having a go at motivational speaking". I never really gave it that much thought, just thinking they were being polite when they had heard some of the experiences I had been through. Then lately I gave the book thing a bit more thought. As for the motivational speaking I am not sure. I mean I guess if I was talking about certain stuff that I had experienced, it's then how to get it out, and inspire, the whole purpose of motivational speaking is in the title "Motivation".

Getting back to the book thing, it will be a fictional book, not an autobiography, more of a true story or a memoir, I think they call it. I have been hard at work writing, well typing, I mean it is 2024 and feathered quills are not in vogue. So far I am up to just over 29,000 words. It is a very rough edit, with lots of grammar and spelling mistakes. It recounts part of my journey from taking ill at 27 with a giant cell tumour in my right leg, up until present day. The story is pretty full on, as I have been very honest and not held anything back. There are a lot of dark times mentioned and I try to explain my mindset during these periods, there are also happy times, funny times and a few stories about when I was growing up. I have included very personal things and shared some of my poems and songs, which some people I am sure will think are a load of bollocks, but hey, they are my words and thoughts, special to me so I am not too concerned.

I am by no means a professional writer, or poet, this is just something I would like to try, I guess for myself as much as anything.

The difficult parts:

There are a lot of things to consider when writing a book, for starters it is incredibly difficult writing a true story, and those people involved in that story not being named. If  I do include peoples names I have to then approach them, and get written consent.  I have met that many people over the years, it would take me forever to contact everyone and get consent. So I have attempted to write in such a way that not many people are named. Its a real shame as I would like to thank each one for their support and by naming them. There is nothing I have written that is defamatory in my opinion, a few funny instances I have recounted, that is about it.

Next is finding someone to proof read my work. I'm thinking this could be quite expensive and I write in a slightly unusual way, so don't really want my book changed and lose the essence of myself, if that makes sense. I tend to swear a lot, it is an emotive response, and I use a fair bit of Geordie or Durham'ite dialect, its where I come from and I am proud to have a pit village accent and I think it adds to the authentic nature of my story.

 

Writing a book and putting it online

Next on the agenda after doing some research is where to place the book. Amazon KDP, looks like the easiest way to start. I think I can use a company called Draft2Digital to format the e-book and then upload it to Amazon. The thing from what I have read here is not to go for Amazons Free ISBN number. The ISBN is used to identify books, however if I use Amazons free ISBN I am then tied in to only selling the book on Amazon. So I have looked into how to get my own ISBN and think it costs £93 per book. So it would be £93 for an e-book, then £93 for a paperback and again £93 for a hardback. Mind you the paperback and hardback versions are just wishful thinking I mean I may not sell a single copy, but that is the good thing about "Print on demand", I don't have to go out and buy lets say 1000 books and then have them stored at home gathering dust as no one is interested, and I don't have to package them and ship them off. Amazon or any of the other print on demand companies take a percentage of the sales and do everything.

And so that is where I am at. Hopefully if I do get to release my own book, it would get a good reception, not be considered too depressing and who knows inspire, even one person, or help someone to understand they are not alone. Thinking big, it might make me a shed load of money so I can follow my dream and get that house up in Scotland LoL

I don't claim to be a poet, a musician or particularly good at anything other than being me.

Just Me

As my blog title says, " I don't claim to be a poet, a musician or particularly good at anything other than being me". However, if you would like to comment, good or bad, please feel free to do so, either way, negative or positive, it will inspire me to become more creative, I guess.

I have been practising and learning to play the guitar for roughly 2 years now. I don't know if it is because I am relatively old to start learning new things, or I am just plain thick. However, I am not that good. The thing is, whilst I would love to be able to play any song and, if the fancy took me, be able to go on the local streets and busk to a great reception from an audience, I don't mind just trying my best and messing around with my various guitars. It brings me great joy, relaxes me, and takes me away for a little while. It has even helped me become creative and I have gone on to write what could either be considered songs or poems.

Parts of one of my songs/poems have been incorporated into the short documentary film I was invited to take part in, " Meet The Local Hero - Glenn Johnstone". I had to try and read the poem out loud and record my feelings about my words so that it would give a good representation in the film. This was a bit more difficult than I first thought, so I took a few takes. However, I was happy with the final results as was Dragos the director and Filmmaker.

Here is the poem that I wrote in its entirety and parts of it were used in the film.

Dark Thoughts

Thoughts so dark inside of my mind, Questions of how did I end up here.
No escape I'm so scared, locked in and trapped here, inside my head, it's a deathly tomb.

Imagination creates a barren wasteland, played out in black and white 
I try to flick my inner switch, to seek a corner and hide away.

Numb to the core, Can't sleep, Don't speak I think I'm losing my mind.
A dark chasm lies before me, an abyss to steal all hope away.

Suddenly I'm at its edge, if I fall now I'm forever lost.
The wind howls its wicked threats, it tries to push and I push back.

Ruinous shadows, malignant monsters, who reach out for me.
The call goes out to my inner white knights, to gather forces, charge in on horses. 

So much pain endured as this fight rages on
Thoughts of survival, good versus evil, then I see a light in the darkness, 

It's an epiphany, that comes to me, a thought inside my mind the light shines warm and kind, it comes along to help me escape this place.

The words describe how I was feeling, probably at my lowest point when I was ill with my Right leg in 2006/2007, just before I had it amputated in September 2007, It's funny how memories stick with you and can create something out of a negative experience.

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Next is a Poem/song about my dream of getting away and that house I always go on about in Scotland.

A Dream of Getting Away

The grass lying here it's all dead right here under my feet / I live in the pure hope that one day  I'll escape.
I let my eyes close shut, and I drift off to sleep sweet surrender it's now felt as reality gently fades.

A seed planted so deep whilst I'm in my sleep tended to with so much love to bloom into life.
Wandering around in my mind filing cabinets store my dreams only opened by me  I have the secret key.

A favourite dream is found it's formed in my mind. Stored safe in this place each day it's where I am happy.
I find myself beside a loch shore it's calming / tranquillity / found there  it's good for my soul.

Washed up on the shore each pebble a dream so many lay there which one to choose.?
Pebbles polished by time carried by ebb and flow picked up and now treasured a gratitude stone.

A tartan land is where I really long to be, the beautiful  Monroe's the lochs and all the trees.
I picture a wee house a place I can call home, no stresses or worries I rest my Weary Soul.

Now I'm inside my house lying there on the couch my hand on the wood floor the house whispers you're home.
A log fire burning giving off a warm glow the flames casting shadows which dance all around.

Now I don't drink  whiskey but here sits a wee dram it came from a local distillery right here in town
A record is spinning an old vinyl relic a forty-five playing knocking out an old tune.

My own piece of heaven  I carry it deep within, will this dream come to pass only time will reveal.
Tomorrow I'll return and play out this same scene in the hope that one day my dreams will all come true.

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This next poem is kind of sad I guess, it relates to being isolated and the feeling that you are all alone. It's just a short one.

It's called 

When You're All Alone

When you're all alone, and the only hand, to hold is your own, feels like no one cares.

Building walls so high what's there real purpose To protect your heart or to save your soul.

Don't want to be part, of the rat race, rather be alone, and do your own thing. 

Just like an old toy, Worn torn and threadbare, maybe lost an eye, or a missing limb.

Lying rejected, in a darkened place, questions in your head, will it be okay.
Always feeling lost, like you don't fit in, trapped inside your mind, why so critical.

Learn to love yourself, value who you are, we're not all the same, you're the only one.

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Next, we have a poem/song I tried to put music to this one and it's called simply 

Ride

Warm golden sun on skin, radiant light reaching deep within.
Where should we go today?  

Then a beautiful place comes to mind.
A tranquil woodland, not far away, it's so magical.

Lost in thought feeling free, searching for flowing lines between the trees.
Tires bite, dust rises up, with one foot down drifting a bend.

With a mind so crystal clear, all stresses fade so far away.
Passing trees, at an epic pace. It feels so good to escape the daily rat race.

Dry fallen leaves scatter the ground, riding through them a susurrus sound
Blue skies way up above flared light through a broken canopy.

A jump, a drop skidding to a stop. The chance to take in this Arcadian scene.
The songs of birds, and their melodies, are carried on the warm soft breeze.

A flowing stream, discovering its path, meandering this way and that.
Nature doesn't need words, it speaks directly to your heart and soul.

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This one is about, well I'll let you make your own mind up?

Beauty Lives In Scars

Beauty lives in scars fading in time memories live on a story of who you are.
Nature of your thoughts find happiness where's it hiding come out let's go play.

In a room that's full of thoughts that creep in invisible lost and lonely, no one knows.
Tilted screens are viewed unconscious minds don't care to find the truth behind what they see.

A life not to plan you're compass is broke you can't find your way darkness drawing in all around.
Sending up a flare high into the sky, hope someone sees hope someone cares about you.

Mountains in your mind, they block your view and fill you with fear but once conquered the view becomes clear
We all have our scars some are on show some are hidden from view some of them run so deep.

Beauty lives in scars.

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This one relates to the 5 stages of grief.

5 Stages

Denial 
                             
Everyone losing yesterday,
all of those Memories of better days.
Time passes by so slowly, waiting for the great unknown. Denying reality,
wishing things were back to how they were. Just turn off the lights, Just lock the doors. Pretending it's not happening there is no one home.


Anger 

It Feels like a really bad storm inside of my mind. I'm So angry all of the time.
Emotions at breaking point, with rage leading the way. A hurricane tearing at my thoughts I have no say.
I can't see through all of this red mist,
so much confusion I feel so lost

Bargaining 

Is there a deal that can be made, 
with either heaven or hell.
Bargains are offered but to what end,
all of my words fall on deaf ears.
Fate conspires at each turn,
an unwritten contract I cannot burn.
Praying for change, all of my dreams  turning to ash


Depression 

Those days that I'm feeling down,
this black dog  Follows me all around.
Sometimes big, sometimes small.
This sombre hound is no friend at all.
The most dangerous human concepts
are hope and faith which are both lost on me.
I suppose something has to be lost,  
before it can be found.              


Acceptance 

Time the great healer or so they say.
Searching for happiness, putting grief away.
Learning to accept the things I can't change.
Searching for answers, finding brighter days.
Learning to be honest / with how I feel.
Looking to the future embracing change
Just like a Phoenix born from ash,
I will rise  I will shine.

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I wrote this one whilst lying on my bed looking at my dream boards LoL

I hadn't thought of a title until I just started writing on my blog, so I will just call it.

My Mind Goes Astray

Lying here my mind goes astray
The world around me just falls away
Lost in pictures that I have pinned in place.
Colliding thoughts I lovingly embrace.

Old pictures with their dog ears
Worn and faded they tell a tale.
A story of where I can touch and feel
A story of where I'm supposed to be.

Three pieces of paper with famous faces,
A Queen that's passed and Alan Turing. 
Superman looks on with words of wisdom, he provides a plan not to become a victim. Find the hero in yourself, just try to do your very best.

A special necklace of sapphire blue 
an old ruler I rescued from a fiend. 
It's now retired seen better days
Pinned to my dream board it now stays.

A cheque made out to pay myself
The Promise of Imagined Wealth.
Paws prints from an old friend
A special reminder above my head.

A Poem to remind me to dream by day
Another to believe dreams can come my way.
A guitar that when played sounds blue.
I must learn to compose a happy tune.

Just a few things that I see each day.Things that have meaning to me in a special way.

Buddha and Buddy Christ sit on my shelf with a thumbs up and a happy smile they have real style.

 

Oh and did I mention the Geese?

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Yes, there are probably lots of spelling and punctuation mark errors, and probably the wrong format for poems, ahh who cares I just enjoy writing, it's good for the old mind.

Like I say, feel free to comment, you know I say that and I can see how many views I get, however, people rarely put a post back. It has me thinking is something broken upon my Blog other than Me Lol.

I maintain the rights to all of my work, so don't go nicking them lol