Watch & Wait

 It has been 13 years since I was first diagnosed with Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I can remember clearly when it first kind of started. It was upon a ride out with my friend Carl, and coming up through Beamish and No Place. I just was not feeling quite right and at the time had terrible stomach cramps. Strangely enough these cramps would come and go, however upon each episode they got increasingly worse.

Anyhoo Carl and I had been on a day out riding up at Kielder Forest, we had had a brilliant day however at some point I had snapped the bottom bracket of my brand-new carbon fibre bike. So upon our return I had contacted the bike retailer,  Stiff who were based down Leeds way. My dad and I took the bike back to Stiff and upon inspection they agreed that the frame would be replaced under warranty, however I would have to wait around 6 weeks for a replacement from the USA.

Back in 2008 and being silly

Great memories of a day at Kielder

 

After roughly 6 weeks, my bike was back together with a new frame and my dad and I went down to pick her up. This is the part where I can recall feeling proper poorly and knowing something just wasn't right. I was doubled up in our car with the most horrible stomach pain, on the return journey, so once near home, my dad took me straight to A & E at the Queen Elizabeth in Gateshead. I had had my leg off there in the September of 2007, so we thought going there was probably better than going to Dryburn at Durham, which would have been my local hospital.

After spending hours at the QE and being poked and prodded, and very friendly doctor who had examined me came in and informed me he had discovered an unusual lymph node in my neck. It was near my collarbone on the Left. He advised he would be making an appointment for me to see a consultant near home, so Durham, and that they would take it from there.

A few weeks later, I met a friendly consultant called Dr Keenan. What I liked about her was not only her voice, as she sounded a little like Mrs Doubtfire, but her candid approach. Dr Keenan said to me "I have some good news, and some bad news"... "Oh here we go I" thought. "So, what is the bad news?" I enquired to which she replied "Oh, you have cancer". "So, what is the good news?" I asked. "Oh, it is the best one you can get". This left me a little perplexed, however as I look back on it now I just kind of thought "Huh Ok".

In 2015, I had to undergo chemotherapy, which to be fair wasn't too bad compared to some poor folk. The worst bit was the additional antibody therapy, which totally had me wrecked and lasted almost 3 years.

As time went on I was armed with information and supported through the Non Hodgkin's, the consultant and specialist nurses always on hand if I needed someone to talk too. I think the hardest thing to deal with and this is where I am leading with this particular post is the "Watch & Wait". I find it very difficult to deal with this and at times don't particularly know what I am waiting for.

I am very good at going each day without ever thinking of this thing attacking my body. I have a dark sense of humour, so find it ironic that even my own cells don't like me LoL and from what I know that is what cancer cells are. I have heard them called "eternal cells" as unlike normal cells they don't die off, they just duplicate and spread.

So to last week, upon getting up on Wednesday morning I had an upset tummy. I went to work, however as the morning went on I felt increasingly unwell with an upset stomach, and I was sweating and felt all clammy. The girls at work are all very supportive and immediately noticed I didn't look good so were fussing around, checking my obs, opening windows and popping a fan on. I then became freezing cold and just thought I had some sort of bug. I booked a Covid test and then went home, having booked the test for 1 PM down at Chester -Le- Street.

Anyhoo the test came back negative, however I haven't felt well all week and this is that part of Watch & Wait I hate. Once I am feeling unwell with my tummy, it always brings back memories of that first time riding up through Beamish and the start of that period of my life and well it sucks.

After speaking to a G.P over the phone, although he was very kind, supportive and friendly, it has still left me not knowing exactly what is going on. The doctor came up with a few thoughts, yes it could possibly be a flare up of my Non Hodgkin's, however I don't really have any other symptoms. It could be a bout of gastroenteritis, or after the doc read my notes, he thought it could be stress & anxiety.

It has been hard going back to work after 9 months of lockdown, however I don't feel particularly stressed, but hey that is the thing with stress and mental health it can kind of sneak up on you. Sometimes you can ask yourself the question and your mind lies to you, however your body reacts in a different way. I will admit, a good few months ago I was going through a low period, however using some strategies like being kind to myself, meditation and exercise buoyed me again, and have kept me afloat. Of course, I am still a little down that I keep seeing "dream houses" in Scotland and know in a perfect world where I would be and what I would be doing. I enjoy this imagining, it can take me away and well if something does come about I will already be prepared and have a plan of action.

Going back to feeling like crap, I decided to test myself today and have a ride out with my friend John. I figured if I could get a few miles in and feel relatively ok I would be ok for work on Sunday. We rode a local loop of just over 12 miles down Beamish. I was quite impressed with myself as I didn't use any power all the way up the farmer's trail and actually for a fair amount of other sections. The turbo trainer is continuing to give me a good workout. I have been switching the resistance level up just to make things interesting.

And so as I write this, almost finished, I continue to have a dicky tummy and not feel 100%. I guess time will tell what is up.

I'll leave you with a few pics from today. I have put them at the end as I can't be arsed to slot them in to my story, Lol

Ok off to dream about a cottage I have seen in Argyllshire...

Just making it up as I ride along.

 I awoke pretty early this morning, for some reason it's a regular occurrence these days, however I didn't get up immediately and lay contemplating should I go for a ride and if so where to. I feel sometimes I don't head out as it's just the same old, same old, and I get bored with the routes. I mean, I have been riding since around 2008 and pretty much know everywhere fairly local.

Anyhoo I finally convinced myself to just get up and go and make it up as I went depending on how tired or socket sore I got. I took my Specialized Turbo, figuring if I got a bit fed up from home, I could just take it easy and switch to Turbo mode.

It didn't take long to get sorted, once I had reattached my Cams and Tendons to  my BTK Crossover knee. I filled my Arctic ONE bottle with some fresh water from the fridge and transferred some gear from my backpack to my Camelbak "Fanny Pack". When possible I prefer to use the small fanny pack as it is light and easy to just turn around whilst still fastened to access stuff.

I got my bike out, switched it on and connected it to my phone, and then I was off in no particular direction.

"Ooh the farmer's trail, it's been a while since I have ridden up there", I thought, my bike didn't appear fussed which direction we were going, so we headed for the trail.

Up the resurfaced Farmer's Trail

Down the Farmer's Trail to pick up my camera

As I approached the farmer's trail, I could see that it had been resurfaced, not with tarmac, but with hardcore and gravel. It actually made the climb up a lot easier. I had my bike in Eco mode, and using about 15% assist. This means I still get a workout, it actually feels like I have both legs, so it wasn't long before I was halfway up the trail. I stopped halfway as I spotted two Alpacas in the field. I tried to coax them over, but they just gave me a funny look. I tried using my phone camera to take some pics, but as they were too far away the images were naff, way too blurry.

Lots of Bails in the fields

A little further up the Trail

I set off again and headed for No Place and then down to Beamish and the entrance to Beamish Museum. Here I took a couple of pics, before riding down the bank, past the Museums Farm and down towards Beamish Hall. Once near Beamish Hall, I turned to an off-road trail to my Right, which would take me into Beamish Woods. It is nice in this area, very pretty and quite quiet. I generally only come across the odd fellow cyclist or dog walkers.

At the entrance to Beamish Museum

Another stop for a few pictures on the way through the wood and at the pond, before setting off up the hill and the trail that would take me back onto the road that links up on the way to Sunnyside

Having a nightmare setting camera up

Clip In Damn You

Out the saddle

 

Arctic ONE Band

At the Pond

Me Bike

 

Again I used another trail after the road section I had been riding on and this took me towards Birkhead and eventually to Tanfield Railway. I then followed the railway line using the meandering trail to the side of the tracks.

Now at Sunnyside I stopped for a brief moment, trying to decide, should I head down the back of Watergate and visit Watergate Park, or cross over at Sunnyside and get on yet another farmer's trail which would lead me to Fell side Road, coming out at the Woodsman Arms. Decision made, another farmer's trail and Fell Side Road.

At the end of Fell side Road I turned Right and headed as it's going towards the Hobson, however turned off and tootled along going towards Tanfield Village. Once at Tanfield Village I rode up and through Sleepy Valley and at the cross roads, continued up into Tantobie. Some pretty good climbing there in that section. The only time I put my bike in Turbo mode was to get across the crossroads, as cars come pretty quick along there.

Once at Tantobie I took a little side road which led me down into Harperley. It's funny how things drop out of your head. I had been this way a few weeks back and as I rode through Harperley I then recalled where I had seen the caravan storage place. I knew I had seen one and was trying to describe it to one of my da friends, but just couldn't remember where I had seen it.

Harperley has changed so much, I have some fond memories of the park as a kid, hanging out with my friends.

Ooh another climb, up Harperley bank, again no cheating, my bike was left in Eco mode and I ground my way up the bank, coming out at The Ox Pub. I then rode towards Stanley and when I got to the Arch Traffic lights decided to venture down South Moor and just for fun and because I had a bit of energy go up the other side of South Moor and then Wilka's bank.

At the top of Wilka's I turned on to Wagtail Lane and had a nice little bimble along the road, towards Craghead. As I was riding, looking over at the fields, thoughts of Scotland pervaded my mind. They are never far away, these thoughts. I was imagining what it would be like to get to know a local area in Scotland and head out on adventures there. Then to return to my Scottish abode and relax in front of a log burning stove, and take in the picturesque view complete with a nearby loch. When it comes to Scotland I have such a vivid imagination, of what I would like to do, and how things would be.

I rode 18.5 miles today and considering I was in two mind whether to go out, I have to say I am pleased I did. On some occasions, I even switched the battery off on my bike, and this made me feel pretty good, knowing my fitness level is quite good. Even on the hills and banks, I didn't feel as if I was working all that hard, mind you I could hear my heart beat in my ears, so I must have been exerting myself somewhat.

Day 251 and a wee ride out.

 It's day 251 today. "Day 251 of what?", you may ask. Well of riding every day this year. Most of my riding has been done indoors on my turbo trainer, something that I just got into a habit of doing due to shielding during covid. I actually rode every day last year and this year decided to continue, however do it for a good cause, which is the Arctic ONE foundation. As I am no longer on social media I have not raised a great deal, but hey every little counts, and it has spurred me on to keep going on those days I just feel like lounging around.

If you would like to help me to support Arctic ONE that would be great

Virgin Money Giving Link

Oh! And for some reason I also decided to start doing crunch sit-ups and this has now become somewhat of a further challenge as each month I increase them by 50 each day. Last month I completed 11200 for the month, having added some extra ones when I was bored or felt particularly full of energy and this month I am already up to 3200, that is 400 per day.

I have now convinced myself I quite enjoy exercising, so came up with the bright idea of buying a gym ball. I opted for a 65 cm version. My thinking was, as I didn't have enough room in my bedroom for a weights bench, I could do some gym ball exercises in combination with my dumbbells. Wow! What was I thinking? Obviously I wasn't as the exercises are so hard to do as an above knee amputee.

I have been trying to do a variety of exercises which include crunch sit-ups, a chest press and triceps curls. I'm just pleased no one has seen me in my efforts as I'm wobbling all over the shop and swearing at this stupid leg, or lack of it depending on which way you look at it. It's just so hard to maintain my balance. I do have to say though I'm quite proud of myself and have persevered and finally feel I am improving. It's amazing just how introducing a gym ball into a workout routine can really make you feel muscles you had forgotten about, it's brilliant for core stability. Saying which, it didn't stop me falling off my bike today over at Kya Bogs Lol.

So back to today. I had a ride out with my buddy John, as he has been getting a new bike. It's an Orange Clockwork Evo 29'er and a nice bit of kit. We just played it by ear with no real direction in mind, however John kind of knows I love just tootling around Chapman's Wells, as well it's just so quiet and not many people there, so it was pretty inevitable we would end up there.

John and his new steed

I can spend hours alone over there on my bike, with my Mp3 playing, and just doing loops of the nature reserve. 

I decided to take my Silverback Synergy Fat Bike on today's outing and have to say how surprised I was at my overall fitness, the turbo trainer must be keeping me in some sort of shape. Durham Road is quite a steep bank and I "granny geared" up no worries.

When John and I got over to Langley View after riding up the Black Path at South Moor, we headed down as if going towards The Drift at Quakies, however turned off into the field behind the houses. 

I decided to take a few pics, and it was at this point John spotted the plastic guard on his cassette. "I hate the look of those things" he said, so set about trying to remove it. It turned out to be a right fanny on and in the end I had to whip out my trusty £1 utility tool and try sawing, cutting and pliering off the surround. For a quid that little tool has been spot on I even think it has a thing for removing stones out of horses hooves LoL.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Anyhoo we had a lovely ride out in the beautiful sunshine, it was well worth popping in  a days annual leave. 

I will leave you with more pics from today...

 

Setting up the Camera

I have waited long enough...

 I have been a fan of Orbea Bikes for some time now I even considered buying a road bike  way back in 2019 and blogged about it. Of course in the 3 years since, bikes have come a long way. The bike I have been looking at is a gravel ebike with the emotion X35+ system

Orbea Gain M20 1X

 

Of course, not everyone is a fan of the ebike scene, and some even consider it "cheating". Well for me if I was to say to a norm, "yeah let's go out for a ride, but you only use one leg otherwise it's considered cheating", well you would probably think I was a bit bonkers. What I am trying to get at is that for people with  lower limb disabilities, an ebike can be set up in such a way that it gives you back some of that lost power and make a ride that little more pleasurable, rather than beasting yourself to keep up with your mates, not that I have too many mates. I'm quite happy just talking to myself as I tootle along and listen to the odd tune.

So getting back to the Orbea brand, I have been waiting and waiting, and then waiting some more for an Orbea Gain M20 1X which is the gravel bike variant to become available here in the UK. I had my sights set on a Silver-Grey & Black model, however there are just none available in a size Large. Then one afternoon whilst perusing the interwebs I spotted an Ice Green/ Black model. At first, I wasn't entirely sure I liked the colour combo, however the more I checked it out, the more I liked the colour. The bike was at Leisure Lakes and as far as I could see the only one available in a size Large anywhere in the UK.

I still wasn't entirely sure whether to purchase the bike, over the next few days, and kept checking it out online as I came in from work. Then following treating a few patients at work, I kind of had the thought "Ahhh what the hell it's only money, you only have one life, and you have to do what makes you happy". So I pulled the trigger when I got home and bought myself a new bike.

Why a gravel bike. Well for starters I have never owned one and as I am tending to do a lot of indoor turbo training on my road bike I thought a gravel bike would be ideal so that I could ride on the roads without the drag of my mountain bike tyres, then when I wanted to head off on some gravel/off-road trail I could do that too.

Hopefully the weather will stay fine for a while yet, and I can get out for a few rides and hopefully the fresh air and activity will help with my low mood which I have been struggling with for some time now.

How the Black Dog can sneak up on you

Right from the off I don't want to be coming off all negative and what not, however I do believe in keeping it real, so as the title to this blog says I am going to mention how I have just not been feeling great the last few months.

I am sure it was Winston Churchill I maybe wrong who first wrote about The Black Dog, as he referred to it, which was a symbol of his depression following him around.

Of course, I will also go onto to set aside my low mood and concentrate on some of the positives.

Apologies for the swearing in advance

So for starters, I have deactivated my Facebook account. Facebook has changed dramatically over the years, however now I just feel it is a place mostly full of negativity, hate and people are not genuine. It's as if we live in a make believe world, with make believe friends, all of whom have an opinion and are trying to out do one another. I just don't need that shit in my life. I want to be out of the rat race, not bang smack in the middle of it, way too much drama.

Yesterday, I completed my crunch sit-ups, jumped on my turbo trainer and completed day 629 of riding every day. I then felt I had energy to burn, so went for a walk of just under 8 miles. Whilst out walking, I had my mp3 player turned on and a Keane song came on as I had the player set to random. It was the song Starting Line, It's funny how when you are in a world of your own, you tend to listen to lyrics more. Anyways the song had one particular verse and it kind of struck a chord in how I am feeling, as it went "You wanna be lost and not be found". When I think on this line in the verse, it kind of says a lot about how I have been feeling for quite some time, probably more than a few months when I analyse it. It actually relates to me wanting to head off to Scotland and be pretty much isolated and again, goes towards my feelings of NOT being involved in the rat race and just going through the motions of life. I am struggling with the question of purpose I guess, or lack of it.

Maybe it is because I feel so alone, that in my head it is a way of saying "well screw you all" I don't honestly know. I think what is scary about depression and feeling down is that when you try to ask yourself the question "Why am I feeling like this", it's as if your mind shuts down, maybe to protect you or maybe because it's just plain stubborn, or in some cases it's just fucked up.

Anyhoo on a positive note some Northern Soul popped up on my mp3 so as I continued on my walk I got in the swing of things and even busted out some moves, well there was no one around at like 10pm on a deserted woodland trail.

Today was Day630 of riding every day, so I decided to complete my crunches for this month, so that is a total of 9300 for the month of July, and I then I got ready and went out on my bike.

9300 Crunches this month

I thought I would do a few loops of the walk I had taken the previous day. I won't bore you with details. Basically around and around again, a local 8 mile'ish loop, obviously where there weren't many people. Oh! I did see a frog.

Over at Chapman Wells

So there I was off in my own little world once again when one of the bolts snapped in my Bartlett Tendon. You know what, I am so numb I couldn't even be bothered to get annoyed or upset and swear. I just hopped off my bike and began removing the inner cam and tendon to pop in my bag. As I had stopped, a very friendly lady came along walking her dog, and we began chatting. Turned out she was a veterinary nurse, and she offered some good advice when I told her about wor Baxter and his allergies.

After saying goodbye I set off again, it had started to rain, so I popped my bike in Turbo mode and set off for home at a slightly quicker pace.

Positives, well I had a turbo mode on my bike...

Oh! And I am continuing to support Arctic ONE with raising money for their Grant system. Now that I am not on Facebook, I am not entirely sure who will even read my blog. Feel free to comment on my Blog. I just think it's important to live in the real world and no it's Not always sunshine & light. Maybe someone reading my wee post will take something positive away, knowing that it's ok to put it out there that you are not going through a particularly good time or feeling down. Or that there are other people out there struggling with mental health problems.

Anyhoo if you feel you could help support me with fundraising for Arctic ONE here is the link

https://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/GlennJohnstone1


Thank you